Five Favorite Projects?

I should probably think about making a traditional portfolio in addition to my "work samples" and [relatively] complete portfolio. A traditional portfolio would probably be 10-15 pages of the five best projects I have to show. And what would those be?

Thesis is probably my most favorite [as it should be...], but I don't think that should fit into the portfolio? Otherwiseee... there is always:

- Observatory
- Salt Flats
- DD
- Blindfield
- Vertical Garden [or Shell Houses]


Cb

SPAIN

I need to add to my list of places Spain and Morocco.  These places [architecturally] and in terms of lifestyle are like dreams to me. The Spanish are such beautiful people and Spanish architects are probably the best in the world in my opinion. They take clean lines and neurotic details to the finest completion and work with forms in ways that are completely amazing. Sure, the Dutch [or Danish] created that awesome rock with some perfect balance on display at the China Exhibition, but the Spanish create things of beauty with a flick of the wrist. I would love to work in Spain - Granada, Barcelona, Bilbao, Salamanca... so many lovely places.

Cb

Books over Break

- Bare Poles
Harold Strub

- Cold Front
David Fairhall

- The Sacred and the Profane
Mircea Eliade

- Wisdom Sits in Places
Keith Basso


... and that's just the start! These are only the ones suggested [soo farrr] by Julia and Tamar, but I'm sure there will be more to come! I only hope my Thesis book can be less than 300 pages!!


Cb

Where to visit?

Dia:Beacon or Dia:Chelsea?

http://www.diacenter.org/sites/main/chelsea


Cb

Full Speed Ahead

Seeing as it is almost the new year, I might as well lay out some lofty goals. Hopefully I will achieve the majority of them, especially without another person in my life to have to take any account for.

Here goes:

- lose 10-15 pounds, start running
- travel to Chicago, Philly, Boston, New York, New Orleans, beaches down South - Carolinas would be nice [and if I can get there - somewhere in Northern California]
- get a grant to go to Alaska and meet the Shishmaref
- apply to my favorite firms [and get interviews with them!]
- either work with a firm for a year or two making awesome projects, oorr take the summer off and take the GRE's then apply to Harvard, U. Louisiana State.... andd other top Master of Landscape Architecture schools [although not Cornell... I realllyy don't want to go there]
- take a GRE prep class? [probably need it for the math]
- travel abroad: Italy, Brazil, Switzerland, or anywhere in Scandinavia


I think that's a substantial list for now. It'll likely change in a month or two, but I think it's a great start - so come on and challenge me 2012.

-Cb

After Fall Thesis

Haven't written on this in soooooo long. I guess there is a lot of updating to be had. This has probably been some of the most stressful and unenjoyable months of my life. And it's amazing the amount of ups and downs that can happen when you're staying awake 19 - 20 hours a day... for weeks.

The bad news first? Okay... here goes. Well Eric was acting like a total prick for months. He didn't stay with me on my birthday in May and was pretty much absent all summer long. It got to the point that I didn't even care what he was doing [he's boring on his own anyway] and also to the point where I was dragging my heels just to have him around. But like a sad little puppy dog I tend to just stay. I didn't break up with him even though I really wanted to, because I look at my parents and my 8 aunts and uncles... all in marriages and not a single divorce! Most of my aunts and uncles knew each other in high school and married after college, the others met around my age and were together for ten years before getting married [I don't want to marry at age 32 : (   ]. Anyway, he and I were together for almost four years [just shy by two months] I thought the time would have meant something to him, but I guess if it's just not right it won't work. And I was veryy upset for a long time after he finally came over and said he was done, but then about a month after I saw him walking down the street wearing some stupid train conductor hat and laughed at how terrible it was. I was starting to get over him after seeing his bad fashion choices... his likely attempt at being "hipster" one of his many self-absorbed dreams. Also during this time I started seeing Noah, my friend from Computer Games Camp. I thought this was just going to be a fun adventure, but I think he and I are like the most toxic mixture when we come together. Maybe we're both too passionate and crazy about everything we do? And at the same time we are opposites... it doesn't really make much sense. But that's another set of bad news to follow. So anyway, I go to library cafe with some friends one random day [I think I had pulled an allnighter before because I remember my eyes being super heavy] andd I see Eric and this leprechaun-witch thing walk into the library bathrooms together! What a whore and what a huge asshole. I think he just doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. I mean if he wants to have conversations about engineering and how fun their run was that day then so be it - it would make sense with how boring and dull he is [I always felt like I was a little too adventurous for him, but his parents seemed to praise me for getting him out of the house and out of strictly engineering classes...]. So this day was bad. I didn't even eat for another day after that. Ahh, also this new girl I think she has a boyfriend, but is with Eric? Also, all of the archies think she looks like a rodent. Gawd Kyle and Eric... why do you go and choose trolls after me? I hope this isn't a critique about how I look? Whatever...

And things are going as well as could be after that - I wasn't hearing from Noah, he was with his fun clubbing girl [so I heard] and I didn't see Eric, which was good! Andd thennn... I present my project at the final reviews Friday Dec 2 and it was amazing - great feedback from a jury of Harvard-ians and even Jefferson seemed supportive of me! So later that night at the Ruck - there are like twenty of us there to eat and get drunk. After two beers I get an email from Julia telling me I was choosen to present in the Awards Review in front of the Dean and all the visiting critics at 10 am Saturday. Woo!! Such good news! Andd thenn, twenty minutes later a terribly-bearded Eric and his witch walk into the Ruck... just them and together. I couldn't handle it. Really Eric? It was so upsetting. I felt so bad for Roz, Marissa, and Sage I cried the whole carride home, during my entire hour-long shower, and well into the night. I think that is what started my insomnia.

The Awards Review went really well, also. Maybe because the Arctic is like the last frontier, it is such a draw to have discussions about. And most of the design up there is indigenous. Foreign architects that have tried to create proposals up there have seen their efforts physically fail after 3 - 5 years. Of these designers, Erskine had been the most praised, but from what I've seen he was also too engrossed with the Modern Movement styling and etc to really be focused on the demands of Arctic living. So after my [long... always a little too much time] presentation, the jurors were supposed to talk for 15 minutes, only they spent close to an hour debating everything! It was so great.


To Be Continued...

Kay. Back.

After that Saturday review things were going very well. I was so happy that the professors and visitors thought so highly of my work. Andd thenn the week and a half of no sleep happened upon me. The Saturday night I think I only slept four hours and the nights following that got even worse. My body was sore laying in bed for too long and even though I was exhausted I could only get two consecutive hours. My mind wasn't even racing about things - it was vacant and oddly so - I didn't have to think about Thesis, the other classes were on the back-burner, Noah was off with clubbing-girl, and Eric was erased from my mind.

But that week was so tough. I was constantly frustrated. I didn't want to sleep during the day and be up all night so I just wasted my time either watching tv, organizing stuff in Studio, working on my Thesis book in little itty bitty parts. Really it was highly unproductive. Even drinking at night didn't put me to sleep. Even running did nothing. It was terrible.

Well that week came to a close rather awfully, too. It was kind of a snowball effect of greatness and terribleness. On Thursday I had a staff dinner with all the OCS friends - Norris, Chelsey, Kevin, Tim, Alli, and Howie. We went to Brown's and it was so great. Seeing them really made the end of the semester seem worth it, despite all the hardship. Always a silly group and amazing to see what we have all been working on - be it Theses or fraternity activity... hahaha. Also at the lovely Brown's that night was a table of the three musketeers, where my fun, fun Thursday all started. James, Steve, and Kyle were on a nice outing there and kindly invited me over to "watch some Always Sunny and hangout in the Vortex." Soon, after two beers [for me] and a bottle of Andre [for each of them] someone shouted "To the Ruck!" and we were out the door. Thursday was the fun night of that weekend. First it was "a beer for you, and one for me too" then there were four pitchers sitting on our table and about twenty more guys [LXA and AEPi surrounding us]. Anndd thenn, Noah walked in all by his lonesome. I did feel kind of bad seeing him like that, especially since I was there with like five other guys, but it also felt good to see him out of the context he tends to project himself as being immersed in. So I tried my hardest to avoid him, even asking Elliot to escort me to the bathroom and to not let Noah come over to our area... like he would with all the archie guys. But of course it happened - my small bladder got the best of me and I had to get back there. I agilely avoided him on my trip to the bathroom, but maybe he saw? Or maybe it was just my bad luck that when I came out he was blocking my only path back to the front of the bar. Well, THAT was a funny encounter that then ensued. He pulls me innn and acts all sweet and then good old Mike Zwack lets me know he's been hooking up with some girl who's been throwing up her guts in the bathroom for the past few hours... Nice Noah... haha I was sooooo glad for my out - I guess the win goes to Zwack on that one. Soo, eventually we all decide that we are not going to finish pitchers 3 and 4 and get a ride back to the Boat [I think there was also a stop at I Loves... but I've been notorious for blacking out during the food runs... like this entire semester]. I think the next thing I remember is waking up on the Vortex with a blanket, and Kehoe running up and downstairs to go on the skiing trip. Thattt was a veryy hung over, unhappy day.

Ahh, and then there is Fridayy night. This was made for Sage's Christmas & Graduation Party. Even though I don't think we left the house until after 5pm. We aptly gathered six? Seven? Thirty racks andd two handles? Something like that... and I swooreee not to touch any of it, not after a hangover that lasted til 4pm! And I guess I didn't... but I found other things... By dinnertime I was halfway through one of my red wine bottles, and I think Roz and I finished the first bottle of Merlot before people even got to the house. We had beer pong, cards against humanities, andd quarters hockey with all our lovely archie friends, and also some of Sage's biology and Circle K friends. I think I played a game of beer pong with Elliot... maybe two? But I'm sure it was terrible because my game has not been good like 90% of the time. Thenn I kept bothering Vin and Jeff for something to smoke and hilariously there ended up being a big group of like eight of us on the porch coughing our lungs up. [This is kind of where the night really got underway...] After taking a little bit too much I was coughing and running up to the bathroom to empty my stomach of extra wine... probably should have been a warning sign there. But the second I got back downstairs Kyle said his brother was there to drive us to AEpi... which was suuupposeedd to be like old times, me and Kyle and Shaggy Steve, but Steve wanted to stay for some reason... so the Vin came along instead. Andd even so it was totally like old times. The house was pretty empty, just random games and cooking going on. Some little kids hanging out upstairs and an empty basement... so we broke into the bar. With the intention of Starry Nights, but I was too drunk to even notice what terrible thing Kyle put in the shotski. It was horrible, and all three of us were coughing from the burn after. I think I started to not remember things a little while after that shot [they always do me in], because I knowww we left shortly after and went to the Ruck where I was absolutely obnoxious and definitely not aware of what I was doing. That's when I ran into Noah. My first reaction was to make him jealous, but oddly all the guys were feeling loyal to their girls that day... and I was left to fend for myself... literally. For some reason he made me cry and I went to the bathroom to get away from him and then a couple minutes later Rachel is tapping me laughing and telling me he's looking for me. And then he's there in my face. Andd we end up making outt. Suuuch bad decisions. Needless to say all the archie guys were apparently deciding whether or not to punch Noah... and I really wish they had. It would have made the past two weeks a little less stressful for me, but noone did and I ended up leaving with him [so stupid!]. It really wasn't as fun as it had been. Maybe because he seemed so exciting the first couple times, so new and fun, but then after not calling me for a month the funness wore off. It ended up just being the same-old with someone who had proven to me he didn't really care, it was so bad. Emotionally he wasn't there for me [anymore?] and physically he just doesn't listen well enough - it's like he's disconnected from something. I guess that's why I hope for him he mends things with his ex back at home, maybe she can straighten him out? I could have definitely set myself up for a lot of embarrassment for how much I thought I liked him, but if he's chasing some strange club-girl and still dreaming about his ex from hs, there's just no place for me in all of that. I think I figured all that stuff out the day after, laying in bed and trying to not become pregnant. Ahh, the end of the semester could have left me there, that far down in the pit, but to top it all off - it wasn't just my social life suffering terribly, but also my academic life? After such great reviews and awesome feedback I wasn't really worried about my grade, but then the Harvard bit back. I got an A- in Thesis and it's still crushing me now. It doesn't make much sense? Maybe she doesn't like me? Maybe it's supposed to motivate me to work harder in the Spring? Maybe she just doesn't give out A's? I think any of these could be true - it seems like she doesn't really like our class anyway. Telling handfuls of people in Studio that they would Fail mid-semester, and skipping our class outing... But whatever.

It's all love-hate [with everything] for me this year. I absolutely love my Thesis and the things we are researching. But I hate not having the support to back me up. I felt really strongly for Noah [or maybe just the artist/ friend type], but hated how worthless I felt after being with him. I did love Eric at one point, but absolutely hate him now for walking around campus with the red-haired rodent and completely getting rid of me after helping him prepare for his interview. Ahh too much complexity right now to figure anything out. I can only hope to get some clarity after graduation, but somehow I feel like it will just keep getting harder. All I can really hope for is to travel a lot, have a job where I make some contribution in a dynamic landscape [hopefully marine or aquatic], andd one day have an apartment or small place to myself with dogs and an adopted baby girl. Those are my wishes for 10 years from now? But I won't get married to them.... things change much too quickly to be set in stone [ha - architecture you are so last-four-years landscape is where it's at!].

-Cb

the pixie

Ah! So one recent thing I've failed to share is the new haircut I want. This has had mixed reviews from the people I've discussed it with - and by mixed I mean mostly "no's", but I reaalllyy want to try it out. Especially because getting it now it might look cute, whereas cutting it like this when I'm older will just make me look like a mom. Sooo, here are some images of the cut I like [on a model of course... but would it look good on mee??]:

The first two are French model, Audrey Tataou, on which I think the haircut looks supercute. The bottom picture is an American actress [I forget her name... oops], but it also doesn't look too bad on her. I found another length worn by Audrey T that I also like:

but unfortunately I don't think my hair is that curly. Ohhh if only there were a good way to do a test-run of a hairstyle. I feel like I might chicken-out anywayyy : (

- c

some webbie things

siberian huskyyy - pretty

clavel architects - also prettyyy

- c

few thoughts

Ahh last day of freedom is finally heree, tomorrow it's back to Troooy. [I don't think I want to go back yet] But maybe it'll be a different story living in the house with people I actually want around... Also I hope it'll calm me down by having a couple days buffer before classes begin.

Definitely have been dreaming a lot more about grad school than actually working my way towards it [probably should pick up the GRE book a bit more often]. But now it's at that point where I'm nervous and excited for getting back to that great old love-hate relationship I have with the Greene building. Ahhh architecture what will you bring for me this year?

- c

from freshman to 5th year

It's always this time of year again - or maybe its 70% of the year that I spend dreaming about Italy. Being bored out of my mind today, I caught myself staring at the picture at the top of the blog [looking over Castle Vecchio], and dreaming of those first few days in Italy. It was like I had escaped my previous life and had transcended into a new one. Everyone was so summery fresh and happy, so carefree - it was kind of like freshman year all over again. And there was no real "architectural" learning going on the first few weeks there - it was just learning about our surroundings, about the type of environment we were immersing ourselves in. And it was so much fun. I don't think much can compare to the days after landing in Zurich, through the days in Venice. I think those were some of the strongest memories I will take with me from RPI. It is so funny looking back then, that going to Italy I felt soo old. Like this was a huge milestone in my career as an architecture student. For our first year we had been like little babies hearing of the 3rd years going abroad and doing crazy scripting projects with Saunders. And then... all of a sudden... it was us. We were the ones going abroad to do crazy Jefferson projects. But looking back now, we were such babies even then! So funny to think of how old we thought of ourselves, and yet, now we are 5th years. Even still, I can't imagine myself having the same amount of knowledge and presence in the school as the 5th years before us. I feel like I'm constantly trying to live up to the "Viv" standard, but am always falling short somehow. I remember back in freshman year when she was my TA and telling her that the gap in knowledge I felt between me, being a first year, and her, working in her second year, was unbelievable. I couldn't imagine knowing all of the things she did then, oor being able to work through the kinds of things the people in her class were doing. Only now, just after this past semester, do I feel like I have any sort of knowledge of what I've been doing this whole time. I think through all of my soul-searching, form-finding, tears, and struggles along the path of architecture I have finally learned to do the opposite of what caused all the pain. And dBell's studio was just the right environment to test and finally foster this new perspective on my work. Being able to take breaks, breathe, and let go of the 'death grip' I'd have on my work actually helped me to take a step back and evaluate what I'd been doing.  Whereas before, I would trudge along with leads, then fall behind with unforseen setbacks, always taking the whims and wishes of my professors to heart and pursuing their vision rather than my own. It was only during last semester when I felt that I could take hold of my [good] ideas and see them come to fruition [I think I also had some good ideas for Blindfield, that came together in the 'field-y-ness' of it in the end, but were entirely overlooked - and copied! throughout the semester... fuck you Elliot you have zero ideas and zero potential... ugh had to get that out there]. Okay, so anyway I definitely found inspiration and my 'niche' through dBell's studio. I think this was partially due to the fact that there were no crazy people in the group... okay well there were a few, but they weren't really threats to anyone. But what could have been intimidating about me, Sean, Roz, Jenni, and Walshy? I think it was probably the most laid-back group there could have been. And that really helped me catch up to speed again. I think I was used to being 'ahead' freshman and sophomore years - I was learning the computer programs fast, and I had a good aesthetic that got me by most of the time. But then there came Gustavo, with no telling me "no" until it was too late. That semester crushed my self esteem, and left me hanging in no-man's-land. I felt like I had jumped ship, but without even knowing it. It was also during this time that many more people rose up through the ranks and started taking studio more seriously... this changed the whole game. And then there was Eric. Also introduced during my Gustavo semester, and I guess it was good that I learned to have a life during that time because if I hadn't I'd probably still be a workaholic with no idea about how to trust guys, or get into relationships. So things worked out in the end. Bahhh, and now it really is the end! Thesis is hiding around the next corner - literally - I go back after another day, andd whaaat will it be like?

- c

shopping or running?... ha

I HAVE A SHOPPING PROBLEM.  I first learned to admit this last week, when after two weeks of visiting the mall - almost daily - it dawned on me that maaaybeee I shop too much? This only occurred after running around the Gap in a mad daze trying on everything in site before their flash sale ended [Eric and I walked in at 6:30 and the sale ended at 7]. I don't think we even said a word to each other that whole half hour... and I had narrowed things down to two pairs of pants and two shirts, but there was no way I could take all of that. Just the week before I had bought two dresses, a pair of heels, and two shirts. Oh - but this is not the end of it. So at the flash sale - 30% off EVERYTHING and $20 off all jeans [bah! yeaaa] I ended up with one shirt and one pant [pretty tame]. Anddd then I bought a dress at H&M and dinner after.... ahhh. I was handing over my card at H&M when it hit me - maybeeee I spend a littttlleee tinnnyy bit too much on the things I put on my back. Oh, but school hasn't started yet... so I can usually make it a day of no shopping and then I'm back to it the day after. Case in point - going awayyy. I went to visit Marissa and stay at the beach, which shouuuldd mean nooo spending money... what is there to buy at the beach anyway? But noo, these were CT beaches... with outlets two or three of them within fifteen minutes of the beach! Sooo... a belt, scarf, and earrings... ahhh!!! Okay, but that's been it sooo far, and with school approaching I'm hoping my habits will change. I will probably be spending more money on beer and foodd [and hopefully the puppyyy]. I thought of a great idea I should practice but [obviously] have not started yet - that would be going for a run every time I have the urge to shop. See it's perfect - because every time that I would have the opportunity to shop would be the best opportunity to run. It would have to be light out, not during one of my classes, and essentially "down time". Ohhh if only it were thattt easy...

- c 

good post archdaily

great archdaily post. i love scandinavian design!

- c

italian studies

What do I want out of this Master's program? Well, what more could I want? Every time I read more into the Italian Studies program at NYU, the more I feel at peace with my future. For one, unlike many universities, they allow you to graduate with a Master's in a language/ culture program [Harvard will only accept you on a PhD track], and also there seems to be a limitless number of possibilities in this department. [now I only wish I had visited them when I was in the city... another visit? yes please!] So as I was reading more into this thing - besides being almost completely blinded by the fact that you can SPEND A YEAR IN FLORENCE AT THEIR HOUSE LA PIETRA... umm what was I saying again? Oh yea, well besides that amazing fact I could finish my Masters in two years, anddd apply it to my field of study from my Bachelors [hellloooo perfection!]. I don't think I could have found a better fit at a better time. I guess that's just how my long journey has had to turn out... probably how all of my long journeys will turn out, in some way that will only make sense in the end. Throughout this whole long, five year uphill struggle I've jumped from wanting every extreme. In the end, I feel like I am being led to the front door of the rest of my life. This could even be inspiration for my Thesis - why not take the spirit of the thing I want to study and integrate it into this project [although this could end in catastrophic failure... hmm].

But what would I say? When asked "why do you want to enter this program for your Masters"? What do I say? I mean from my end, there are a million and a half reasons why to go forward with this - isn't it on their end to deem the final judgement? I mean of course there's Italy itself. The semester I still dream about, and long to return. There's Italian architecture that has been on my mind, and nestled deep within my inspirations since my visit. There are the people and the lifestyle, the food. Everything about that time in Italy has changed me as a person, why not continue exploring this change? I think having a purely "American" world-view is probably very limiting. Especially in the field of architecture, overexposure to one way of life seems like it could lead to things like... well I dunno the US pavilion at the Expo last year [Shanghai]... ahhh! The horror!! Yea no... cannot have that spring up during my midlife crisis. I need something new, an outlet that can balance and enhance all that I have currently worked for. I think the introduction of a new mindset, a new pace, and new flavors for life could be just the thing to revamp my career as an architect. I would have not only the stringent, technical-American-school eye for things, I could also have the lively, energy-for-living perspective of the Italians. Dear NYU, please plan on seeing my shining face because I will return!

- c 

new name!

Decided to revamp the blog again. Kind of like spring cleaning... only in mid-August. Yep, along with the new format that came a few months ago, I decided to change the name. This time I'm going with "The Night Owl"... not entirely original but true-to-form, whatever form I might come in this upcoming year. I think it'll be quite appropriate for my Thesis lifestyle - being that either I will be an in-studio night owl, or an out-on-the-town night owl. Either way - the name will be fitting.

In other news, I think I can whole-heartily admit that August is my favorite month of the year. I can't even begin to understand why someone's favorite season is Spring. Even I - a spring baby - should have the biggest amount of love and longing for this season, but no. No way. Spring is the worst! All that spring consists of here is rain and finals. Who would love that? I think fall is my favorite season, there's always a mysterious sense in the air maybe the anticipation of winter that is like an odd, unconscious drive. Not to mention the best holidays are all in the fall. Thanksgiving and Halloween are by far the funnest, and best-weathered events of the year. Not to mention the first few weeks of September are probably the prettiest in the whole entire world. But anyways, August is the best. August is when work ends, dreaming commences [freely], and school is in the distance. Even the start of school can't tarnish August - this is somewhat of a gem in itself. The beginning of school is when we all still love each other and think in our heads "ah, maybe I won't want to rip his/her head off this year". This is when we are truly friends, and not an awkward, dysfunctional family [which is also pretty entertaining]. August also has the best weather [I'm even saying this despite the rain we've had lately]. It's dry and warm, but not killer-hot like July. Ahh August, never leave me.

- c

woo inspirationn

Found an awesome new firm:

Denzer + Poensgen

http://www.denzer-poensgen.de/projekte.html

<3


- c

all and more

What if I could have it all? What would I do if I could choose every great major to accomplish in my life? I have certainly had my whims and wishes over the past five years, and I must say it hasn't stopped. Now I've been reading up on Linguistics, doing research and finding that is just that - research. The programs are difficult, too, it's not just learning about linguistics in a philosophical or anthropological sense... its THAT in conjunction with learning two to three other languages, oh yea and being complete grammar-Nazi at the same time. All fun and games over theree...? Yea no. I've been analyzing my conversations with other people, and with the graduate counselor at Gallatin, and I realize maybe I'm chasing the wrong goose [ha - grammar-correct-English-phrase-Nazis take that and put it in your coffeee]. But basically I have two desires from my continuing education - one being to find a way to market myself as a desperate-to-be-intercontinental designer [d.t.b.i.d for short], and two to learn a [or a few] foreign languages. Shouuldd I then look into Master's in foreign languages? [hahah Rich will killll me for this if he's reading... oh hey! hi!] Reading into the Italian Studies program at NYU it seems like a great fit! It appears to be a small program - actively seeking students and is not limited to the language itself. At NYU the graduate program promotes the study of the Italian culture as a whole - kind of the feeling I got from Italian classes when in Italy [they want to tell you everything about everything]. They also have a 1-year advanced master's study in Florence [!!!!!] ! Wow! Getting my parents to be okay with this is another thing... Whenever I tell them my friends are planning on pursuing master's in programs other than their bachelor's degree they tend to frown upon it [especially my friends in architecture who have expressed interest in other fields]. But let's not forget proposition #1 - I shalt market myself as a better Archie with my advanced language skills. In which case I guess it would be more advantageous to study something like Spanish or Chinese... but who's counting? hahah Okay, for real though Spanish would be a much more marketable language to a firm, especially in California or New York. I'm sure there would be a handful of firms ready to eat me up and send me out to Spanish Harlem. I guess if I could pay my way for the master's program I would jump on board in an instant! [with some reassurance that I might find work after it's all over] I think this is the time when I really need to speak with DBell and Demetrios. This whole idea of a new field for my master's comes from Demetrios himself - with the understanding that a master's in architecture is basically a continuation of undergraduate studies, only with the addition of trying to learn more up-to-date computational thingsss... booo boring. Why not learn the world view of a different group of people? I'd much rather have a new perspective on life and living before reentering the design world, than gaining the knowledge of a few more keystrokes and dying over my keyboard for more years without making a dime. Ahh, alright enough ranting. Thinking this out - maybe talking with Daria would be helpful, too. She is the closest person I would feel comfortable talking to about the realities of finding a job after pursuing such a degree, with the idea in mind that she would give me honest feedback as to whether or not real-life firms would find it a legitimate career choice. Bing! Oh beautiful lights going on in my mind.

Also, after peering into the NYU programs for a bit, I decided to take a dive on over to Harvard [yet again]. And oh booo you Harvard. Students who wish to pursue the master's program.... well no luck for you. At Harvard you have to commit your soul to finishing the Ph.D. [probably because who really needs a Ph.D. in language? I might kick myself later in life for saying this]. But really? That makes me turn away and almost run in hysterical fits of laughter. It makes no sense to me why a community of people would be so against students interested in obtaining a master's in a field of language. Oh well... I guess that rules out the iffy choice anyway. NYU it is! You are my soul's desire young school in the city. Where else might my heart lead me? I could also look into SUNY Albany... but really, I realllyyy don't want to be trapped in this area much longer. Another "whole point" to grad school is to get me away from the forever Albany-Troy-Capital Region sinkhole I've fallen into. I really want a story to tell for when I'm older. A story to tell firms when I arrive at the doorstep begging to unleash my design creativity [which I don't believe can fade at this point]. Maybe "most people" won't understand... but I don't expect them to. Can I someday say - yes I went through five years of undergraduate school in Architecture and then completed a master's in Spanish - and somehow expect to at least engender some form of amusement and jealousy in my interviewer? Well, I kind of hope so because this is a genius plan... who would want to pass this up? And if languages and/or writing/reading isn't your thing - well then I don't know think of it as going to school for finger painting - it's guna be just that awesome! Plan on being further informed in the near future. Fun and exciting Future - here I come!

http://italian.as.nyu.edu/page/graduate

- c 

since the end of work

It feels like I haven't worked in weeks... even though it's only been a weekend. Getting away from Troy for this much time is quite refreshing. The lake was beautiful on Saturday, couldn't have asked for a better summer day, and then the onslaught of rain came to us. It was great to have the whole family around as well, even Missy and her family came up which is usually not too often because of David's [architecture] work schedule. Also, love leaving behind the computer for a gran return to books and rest... unfortunately I'm drawn right to the electronic notebook machine the second it's within site in my home.

Now, what is there to look forward to... now that there is everyyything to look forward to??? Well, I'm certain these next two weeks will fly by. I still can't believe Thesis [of all things] is starting. Already though, I have plans to go pottery painting with my sis and best friends, plans of my own to revisit my gambling addiction at the track, a return to the lake for take 4 [?] this summer, annddd beacchh time in mystic with mariss! Woooo! These next 13 days better be the best ever ever everrr

- c

bad days

I've had the worst of luck the past few days, and I'm sooo afraid its just going to continue escalating. My bosses have been pretty much absent from the area for the past two weeks... at least. Usually they are in meetings or just elsewhere in general. But whatever, that's fine, the work is easy and intuitive. So I had been waiting around to let them know I had to take Bella to the vet - it was a spur-of-the-moment decision, the vet had an opening at 4:30 and I found out about it really late. So I thought what the heck? They haven't been around all day, seen one of them once all week... I will just leave a little bit early... yeaaa. Well that came back to bite me har har... this will be sooo appropriate later. Apparently one of my bosses decided to "drop by" for a once-a-week checkup, literally, just to stop in for a moment, noticed that I wasn't there... and apparently none of my coworkers said anything even though I told them all in the morning where I was going.. so noone spoke up about it and he was infuriated. So I'm driving along in 5 o'clock Albany traffic, Bella is crying and howling because she hates the car, and I get a happy happy phone call from my boss "oh hey, soo where are you?"... ah yes, and a bunch of "you-should-haves" and all else that goes along with someone who doesn't have control, realizes it, and gets mad. Sooo whatever... my dog's health is more important to me than my boss's opinions about me [I made that explicitly clear in my interviews - family ALWAYS comes first]. And the vet visit was a relief. Bella apparently just has allergies, that's why she bites her feet and itches her ears so much, good to know it wasn't fleas or any insects crawling about. Andd the evening goes by pretty well... that is until right before I'm about to go to sleep. Bella had found something under my bed and was chewing on it before I went to brush my teeth, but I thought maybe it was just one of her hairs, because she - like Whisper - likes to eat her own hair for some reason [gross!!]. So I go and brush my teeth one of the best times of the day [wooo], and go back into my room, to her still chewing on something under my bed. She looks up at me when I walked in making funny faces and chewing really awkwardly,  her tongue flying out of her mouth like she was eating peanut butter. I went over to get it out of her mouth, because who knows what it was? At this point I knew it was something she shouldn't have gotten in to, so I pry her mouth open and see nothing, but apparently she had dropped it on the ground right before I did that. Well, in a split second I see the thing on the ground and it looks like one of her nails [they are getting long], and I was mortified. So I grabbed it to stop her from chewing and then she flipped. She was a little terror, growling and biting at my hands... and she wouldn't stop. I had to grab her jaw and hold her away for her to calm down. I was so horrified. I let her get away with a lot, most of the time we basically have a mutual understanding of our space, but enjoy each other's company. She is strangely independent for a small dog, but I've always seen that as a good thing, especially because I can't be around her all the time. But this outburst was so uncalled for and just bad, bad behavior. She shouldn't be doing this to me of all people... I'm supposed to be seen as the leader. I guess this would make my decision to let her go a little bit easier, it's just sad that she has to be like that. She lets me take her food away without even the thought of nipping at me, and then turns into a fit of rage when I try to take away the tip of a colored pencil? [by the way, that's what it was a brown colored pencil tip, that looks jusst like one of her toe nails]

Sooo yes, after these uncanny and upsetting events I decided that the next few days will probably be completely horrible, which is unfortunate because it always seems like things go bad around Mary Ann's birthday : (. I guess I can only hope for the best, and just not really expect anything.... ahhh so depressingg. I can't wait until work is ooover!

- c

brandon boyd/ incubus

Another recent obsession I've had is with Incubus... I guess this is reoccurring, because they were also awesome back in high school. I was reading up on Brandon Boyd and found that he's written some books [whose original copies go for $888.00 on amazon!!!]. Yea... with a voice and mind like this guy, its not surprising that he's got a handful of followers. Buuuut, looking up his books led me to a website that sells them, now to make enough money to afford one...

www.brandonboydbooks.com 


- c


my favorite picture I've found of his sooo far:

so little time

So sad that yesterday was the last day of pub trivia. This summer has gone by wayy too fast. It's odd that in previous summers I usually wouldn't have a job until at least July... iiif that, and this summer I've been working even when school was going on. I guess it's filled my time in good ways, and helped me realize that I can be okay living away from home... even though I'm back there now. This summer has also oddly kept me from dreaming about obscure things for my future - be that good or bad, I'm not entirely sure. But a couple nights ago I found myself coming to terms with just going on to working at an architecture firm after graduation... boy did I have to pinch myself. THAT has never been in the plan. But I guess if I can be around interesting people and feed my creative desires, I should be happy - right? I'm thinking this semester will also show me alot about my future in architecture... seeing as Thesis could either make or break me [and yes, now that its this close, Thesis will always begin with a capital "T"]. Another change this summer, well besides alllll the others is that I have been reading significantly less : (. Shocking, especially to me. During the games camp I was reading every night, but that was only for 2 weeks. I used to read on the weekends... back when I was "ahead" in my GRE book - hahaha, ahead... But since the camp I think I've picked up my cogsci book, maybe once? So, soo sad. I think I also forgot how quickly my mind turns over from thinking frames in the summer - before the end of my camp I thought there was tonnss of time left to romp around and have fun, tonss of time to study, ahh yea the world was guna be mine after camp. But now I feel like its a race to end work, and then time to soak up as much as fun as I can in two small weeks? I want to go live at the lake house for a week, and then go to the beach for another week... but I'm also not so sure about staying at the lake all by myself... bears and mountain lions and rattle snakes... omg if I ran into one of them I'd die. But maybe that'll happen... who knows? Besides thatt, I just need to get down to NYU and over to Boston if there's time [and funds]. Ahhh summerrr whyyy are you sooo shooort?

- c

clayton junior

So I've found my absolutely new favorite artist! I am in love! He's from Brazil, but practices in London and his style is amazing. I'm not sure I've been this excited about anything 2d in such a loong time, but this guy is truly amazing. I can't find any books on him, and have only found very limited resources, but he does have a website. So here he is world, my artistic inspiration: Clayton Junior!!!

http://www.claytonjunior.com/

Here are few examples of my favorite pieces:

- c

late-summer checklist

Just because I'm super bored, I'm guna post again. This will be my late-summer "things to do" list. Seeing as I've sort of failed in almost everything I hadd planned to do this summer, this list shouldn't been too intimidating, seeing as who knows what'll really get done anyway. So! Here goes:

- go to the track and the lake for Mary Ann's birthday this weekend
- finish work on the 12th
- hang out at home and the lake
- visit NYU
- take GRE's? hmmmm....
- go to Mystic with Marissa
- go to the Vineyard with Sage
- move back into Troy apartment
- have a crazy awesome pre-school party [lol]
- booo begin Thesissss

Soooo little time left!

- c

shoulda been a rider

It's amazing how much easier my life has been since moving back home. I'm not sure how long I'll stay, but at least I can breathe at work now. I used to be soo bent up, just about the idea that Greg could be wandering around the apartment, doing stupid things. Now I don't give a .... yea. Wow, I really need to live alone for a little while. But it's also amazing that work ends in two weeks... TWO WEEKS. How did this happen?? The summer was soo eventful? Sort of? At least in the beginning, it was awesome with weekly trivia and footsie fridays, meeting new people and just being crazy in general. Now alottt has to happen for the summer to end in ways I'd imagined. I still haven't signed up for the GRE's... oops, or visited NYU for that matter. Also, haven't researched new computers... ooor reimaged this one in like a year. Yea, DBell's studioo really boosted my proactiveness haha.

Being home also made me realize the things I can't provide for the pup [it's amazing that I could find anything positive in suburbia...]. But I feel so guilty not being able to provide her with a lawn to run around in. The first day I brought her home my mom said to just let her loose in the backyard and see what she does... and boy did she take off. All we saw was her little rabbit-tail popping up behind the trees and bushes along the fence line. The sad thing is, I think she would have kept running if there wasn't a big wooden barrier in her way. And  if I am to keep her, I know I'd need to find a place for her to do this, to run free like she wants to. Another thing I feel guilty about is just not having the time to spend around her. When school starts I can be gone in class from 8am until 8pm... easily. And when I usually don't have time to go home for lunch, I think that can be an indicator that I will probably not be able to go home to feed Bella or take her out. Ahh. And now everyone... even my stubborn-to-like-anything-I-do sister is asking me if I'm going to adopt her. I know I would be a much better parent than most people I've seen show up at the Humane Society, but I also can already see the areas in which I would fail. Then again, at least in the fall, Sage would be around to love her and hang out with her. I'm sure Bella and Sage would be great buddies in the lonely archie house. But then Sage will be growing up and going into the real world after a semester. Would that just make Bella even more confused and sad? I really wish I could get her a kitty friend, but I'm pretty sure everyoneee else in my apartment is allergic. And a fish just won't do. Poor Bella puppy. Another thing I feel guilty about is just how much she sees me as her leader. She knows what her job is throughout the day, and she knows when to bother me to go out, to have food, when it's time to wake up. It saddens me to think she would move in with someone else and have to reestablish all of these things, especially because she is a relatively easy dog to care for, but she does have some snafus that will tick people off... I'm sure. But I just laugh, because she's difficult and confusing like me. A great situation would be if my parents wanted to adopt her. She and Whispy lovee each other... haha well, maybe not love, but they find each other very interesting. Whisp has even got a little more pep in his step since she's been around [he now jumps off the landing to make an entrance into the living room hahaha].  They also love wandering around as a little explorer herd in the back yard. Whisp follows her around and then she trails him, it's really cute. I also know my dad likes her. I think he just likes all pets, and they all love him too. My mom is the super stubborn one. I think it's the fact that she's technically my responsibility and she doesn't want to be easy on me. When I get myself into things I think my mom just expects me to figure it all out, without the intention of helping me in any way. Bella also wasn't "her find" so she doesn't want to get involved. She's the kind of person that has to be right all the time, and be the one to make every decision, if not, then she won't have anyything to do with it. She's already told me many times that I "better not" adopt her. ughhh what a difficult person.

In other news, I'm becoming a regular at the track. I went both Friday and Saturday to bet on the races haha. I also reestablished that I do have a good eye for the horses. I won't bet unless I've seen them all in the paddock, and every first bet I made at the races, both times just $1 bets, I've come out with over $6 in return. And then most of my other choices had come in second, but I usually just bet them to win. Andd then there was my complete mess up, where the one funny-looking horse in the group, beat all the others out by something like four lengths. But just sitting at my desk now I'm itching to get back there. It makes me want to ride this summer so much, and reminds me of when I was little and sooo, so severely wanted to be a jockey. Through my teen years I was certain I'd do something with horses. I almost didn't go to college for it [but I am too much of a nerd for thattt, and I love school]. But when I was 14 I was offered a job at the racetrack. A trainer in my barn... not even my own trainer, but actually the trainer of my two best friends somehow offered my a job as the hotwalker for the barn she worked for in the summer. She was an English lesson teacher, but also and exercise jockey at the track. If my parents had let me be the hotwalker for her barn, I could have gone up the ranks to become an exercise jockey as well. But of course my parents said no. Every answer they gave me in high school was a no. I guess it would have been difficult. Everyone has to be at the track at 4:30 in the morning, and then you don't leave til about 7pm. But the deal-breaker for them was all the crime and general danger of the living areas around the track... I guess a valid point since I was 14, 5'3'' and 100lbs. But I still look back and pine at the idea that it could have been me riding those horses before their races. It shocks me that people can go to the track and never even LOOK at the horses. Or all the ladies that just bet because they like the name. I know that these are the most common types of track-goers. Nothing bad about that I guess, it's just surprising that it's a sport centered around these amazing animals, and very few people even take the time to look at them. Ah, well whatever. I need to get back to riding.

- c

times are a'changin'

Well I'm happy to say my nerves are now back down to a cool level. The past few days my blood has been boiling. I kind of hate that about myself - I can't hide my emotions... at all. Even when I try to let things slide and try to bottle them on the inside it always ends up coming out in the open. I feel like this was something I learned from my Mom. She never held back her anger with me, and for reasons of being afraid of her I can't keep secrets or tell lies without feeling enormously guilty and I also won't hold back my thoughts if I'm upset. I tried doing this yesterday... I didn't want to have a confrontation with Greg, but I guess I could also say he had it coming.

I was home, putting a bunch of my Italian postcards up on a memory board, hanging around with the pup and thennn the lovely boy arrives. He didn't realize I was home, and walked into Roz's room [one of the two bedrooms he's taken over for himself now] and he yells "Christianna what the fuck?!" So I gingerly walk out of my room, kind of surprised to hear this outburst after his speech about loving me weeks ago, "Excuse me?" Boy... was he taken by surprise. He then tried telling me not to turn on the air conditioner, despite there being only one, also in a room that he had only taken over, he isn't really living in... bahh! But anyway he makes some annoying plea to me that I'm going to run the apartment bill up by turning the thing on and hes NOT paying extra on his rent [yea alright big guy... you used the a/c all last week and I haven't been around for 2 weeks... I'm pretty sure this month's on you]. Anyway, he keeps trying to make me feel bad for turning on the stupid machine, to the point where I decide to bring up past offenses... yea girl strategy #1. I took a swing at him for calling my puppy "it" which really had pissed me off... who in their right mind says that? I told him he needs to show a little bit more respect and not go around calling Bella "it" in which time he stammered out some weak form of an apology, while still calling her "it" in his explanation, and ending this all with a "Are you asking me to respect your dog?" WTF??? YES you idiot! You need to respect me, my dog, my things, this apartment. I don't understand how he can be such an empty vat [no wonder Christians have such a bad name, he could be their poster boy!]. Ahhh, well as if he hadn't dug himself a deep enough hole, I was so upset by his misunderstanding[?] I think mostly his trying to excuse himself and not admit he was wrong... but WHATEVER. So I say "And also what are you doing about your room situation? Are you going to choose one or are you going to be in both, because your stuff is everywhere" which of course when posed with the question he decides he now wants the room with the a/c... the room he was supposeddd to be in all summer long ahhhh [I swear it's like dealing with a 5 year old]. Andd it's here he starts sulking. Sad that I am upset with him, yes for real. Maybe embarrassed that he left the place a pig sty and had taken over 90% of the house? I really hate having to put people in line. It's not fun and I mostly think people should just understand common sense things [like all of the things he was misunderstanding]. But w/e. When I was home for my mom's birthday he cleaned the place. There is now space to sit in the living room. The kitchen floor isn't filled with peanuts and I feel like I can go to sleep without my blood pressure being through the roof. I hope he understands now what being a roommate is about. I mean I mostly hope he just keeps his distance. I swear to gawd I didn't think RPI would be filled with so many idiots. I've had more confrontations in the past two years then ever before in my life. Between Greg and James I just don't understand how parents are raising these people.

Ughh, okay hopefully this will be thee true end of my rants and worries. I really, really hope so.

- c

annoyance

It's been a long, rainy day. I can't wait to get out of the office. I feel so childish with all of the anger I have for so many people right now, but really I sometimes feel like once work is over, I'm in an alternate universe of wackness. My apartment is a total wreck right now. I thought I would be coming back to something at least decent to live in, but the place is a pig sty. It makes me so upset. There shit all over the floors, no where to sit in the living room, dining room, kitchen... I feel like the only "safe" zone is my room... which is apparently okay for people to go into and turn things on and off? It pisses me off to no end. I cannot wait until my real roommates are back. To feel like this is so damaging to my daily life. I just want to come home to a place where I feel at peace, a place where I can think and relax. But all that is there are piles of someone else's shit, tons of dishes, the horrible smell of the garbage, and a lawn full of weeds. So much for the "so-and-so's" pride for their property... bullshit. Ahh, when will it end?!

- c

the moving on song

I wish I could say on here the numerous things that have been going through my mind recently, I'm slowly finding out though the number of people that actually read this thing... I kind of thought it was just me. But the many feelings I've been having lately are so unlike what has been going on in my life, for years. It's so strange, exciting, frightening - all at the same time. For once in my life, I really wish I was alone. And I mean this in many ways, the most important being that I really wish I was living alone... just a few weeks could really do it I think. I don't know why living with other people has been so stressful lately. I kind of just want it to be me and Bella for a little while. For us to hang out and bond, time for me to teach her what I want and in the way that I want to. Time for me to have free space and free reign to study seriously for the GRE's. Time to figure out my true interests and arguments, to research what is going on at NYU and Harvard. I even wish I could just come and go without having to acknowledge other people in the process - and I've NEVER been like this before in my life. I've always wanted people around. Usually I'm nervous being by myself for a couple of hours. Maybe it's having the pup around... I'm really not alone with her here. But the presence of people, for some reason is really becoming an annoyance to me. I'm debating moving into my room in Warren Hall with the pup. Or just back home, home. I guess in both cases people would be around, but I wouldn't be swamped in piles of shit like at this apartment and I wouldn't really have to interact with the other people around. At home I get by being the black sheep. I'm left to my "areas" of the house to do the things I want and noone really gets in my way. And in Warren - noone really talks there. Actually, being back in Quad would be my best dream come true. I'd have a/c, a huge lawn, and practically noone around... probably noone even in my building. Ahh, the peace I could find there.

I'm not sure this kind of thinking is leading me to want the summer to end. In fact, I think the summer ending would just bring more hordes of people that I don't want to see right now [jeesh I sound like a hermit]. I want the summer to continue on, I just want it to be a summer to myself some time to really figure things out and let Bella get better, without having to worry about her being too hot, or too cramped, or anything. Oh, I pray for my sanity.

- c

just bella and me

Today has been one of the most difficult in a while. I moved Bella and myself back into the big house on 15th Street, and it was anything but easy. From being nervous about the temperature of the house [it being too hot, as Eric has a/c], to her adjusting well being back here I have been a nervous wreck. She is calm and sleeping on the foot of my bed now, but I feel so bad bringing her around to these different living situations. Hopefully she will adapt well to being back in the big house, that she will like my room like she once did. I hope we can get back into a healthy routine, and I guess it's much better than being in the pound? Here she isn't being tormented by the noise and bustle of many big dogs. I think her biggest fear is when I leave each day. And its heartbreaking to have to leave her, even going downstairs to make myself dinner I felt like I was breaking her heart. I think she will learn to be comfortable in this room again, just like she was at Eric's... she'd just lay on his bed and watch us walk in and out, knowing we'd be back. Ahh, I really, really hope these next few weeks can go smoothly. It would be a miracle this summer to have a couple days of peace.

- c

big red moon

Picture of a big red moon, from the observatory on Sat, July 16.
courtesy of Kevin Todisco.

- c


P.S. This was also the night we saw the rings on Saturn, a distant star, and watched how fast the earth moves when viewing a part of the moon in the telescope. In another life I would have been a great, ancient astronomer. 

growing up...

Now that camp is sadly winding down to a close, it'll be back to planning my real future. I'm wayy behind in studying for the GRE's. I think I'm just going to have to be confident with my vocabulary skills and focus-in on studying for the math. My main hope of getting into grad school will be invested in NYU. The thought of Harvard excites and scares me, but if I find out that they are going to be condescending, or completely judge me by a standardized test score, then I'm not sure I'd have as much in common with them as I'd originally hoped. I guess I should still give it a chance though. I think I'm also feeling like I'm in a crunch because this summer's ending is so up in the air. I could get away with a couple weekends in New York and Boston, but that coupled with a week at the beach might be too much with the responsibilities of puppy still up in the air.

AND that's another decision that's still just paperwork sitting around on the kitchen counter. I get the feeling that the Humane Society has become comfortable with me looking after her, and will only come searching for my money when they actually realize she's still in my care. After visiting her the other night at Eric's I'm beginning to realize just how difficult it will be if I have to let her go. When he and I were walking out to my car we could hear her barking from his room, and then she was whining all night when I was gone. I am attached to her, I worry about her, and it makes me care so much more when I realize just how much she cares for and misses me. It's heartbreaking to know that she recognizes I'm still the one who saved her from her homelessness. I think having Bella around has really skewed my own perspectives on how I live. I was so free before, and I didn't even realize it. Having someone you are truly responsible for changes your whole vision of time and the future. If Bella is still around in my future she will be the determinant of numerous things. Where I live, when and how many times I can go away, where I spend my mornings and evenings, the times I wake up. Everything in my life is altered with her presence. I think what's beginning to scare me about having her around, mostly due to the fact that she is aggressive with other dogs like Whisp, is that I won't be able to travel like I want to. I feel so selfish saying that, but ever since going to college, and especially since returning from Italy I've had an insatiable desire to travel as much as possible. Why else would I be seriously considering grad school in linguistics, with the idea that if Plan A fails, I will join the Peace Corps just to prove what I mean to do with my life. With Bella in the picture, everything changes. There is no way I could "return" her to the Humane Society, and putting her in the hands of one of my family members as a result of my life decisions would also feel like being a huge failure. The feeling of being a mother to this pup is strong, and it's really changing my plans for the future. I believe in things happening for a reason, I often find that the things that happen in my life are extremely comical to look back upon. The real irony of my life is like something out of a bad dream. But I guess it's this thought that makes me think Bella and I were strung together for some "ultimate" reason. Maybe she's going to be what keeps me on the path of architecture. The path I've waned in and out of for four years, but somehow always been on course. She could be the moment in my life that forces me to work for a firm after graduation and not do this Master's thing. Who knows? My vision is completely blinded at this point. I don't think I've ever had this much trouble dreaming about my own future [I mean really that's basically my forte on this blog]. Ahhh, what's to come?

- c

the bears

During last week, I felt like time was flying by. Maybe right now it's just a case of the Mondays, but maybe it's also because Bella is acting up that I'm worrying this week will feel like an eternity. It also sucks that I've basically bruised part of my summer by having wayy too many things going on during camp. Bella, working at OCS, grad school, and figuring other events have made these two weeks extremely difficult. All I want to do is concentrate on having fun with the camp, and not worrying about other things. I guess one positive thing is that I've had a lottt of time to read. That being said, I am still afraid for how Bella will act over the next four nights, and I really hope she can behave herself.

I am starting to believe this is the time when summer feels long. Slightly over half way through, bored at work and mainly bored in general... I need some new routine, some sort of escape. Maybe getting Bella back, and having her around again will be a good change of routine, but until thenn I'm stuck. Where's thesis when you need it??

- c

[as karl and eric would say, it's "the bears" hahhaa]

nervous in the alley

Sooo I guess Phil was right when he said I could be nervous in a room full of puppies. Bella comes home again today after work and I feel so guilty and nervous. Since I'm working two jobs for one more week, I've asked Eric to help me care for her. I trust him a lot more than my family, and he has the little bit of extra time to spend with her after he's done with research. The only problem is that his apartment doesn't allow pets and I'm so, so afraid he's going to be caught and get into massive trouble. If that happens I'll feel like a complete idiot and be very upset. I guess it's doubly bad as well, because as a foster parent the pup is supposed to always be under my care - and only my care. In the packet it lists "spouse" as another appropriate caretaker, which isn't really Eric, but close enough. There are just soooo many things that can go wrong... I didn't know I could be such a risk-taker haha. I'm also a nervous wreck, because Bella is now coming back after having her two final treatments. When I called at lunch, the girl at the front desk told me she'll have two medications now - which I'm sure will be fine, but I'm still going to be worried. I feel like having Bella around - especially because she's sick - has turned me into the worry-filled mother that I fear becoming. Besides the fact that I am also terrified of having a baby growing inside of me, I think the first year of baby-hood would be absolutely horrendous. I know I could deal with the late nights, the care-taking responsibilities, the intelligence-learning... it's really the fear of the baby hurting him/herself that scares me the most. If my baby even so much as got a bruise I'm sure I'd be in tears for days. I would worry for months about the repercussions of that bump, and what illness each sneeze might mean. I look at mothers who are like that now and think they are absurdly insane. I don't want to turn into that. If I am this worried about a puppy recovering from the last stages of heartworms, God knows how shell-shocked I'd be with a real human baby.

Anyways, I'm excited to have her come back into my life. I'll be especially happy when it's me and her again in my apartment - that allows pets. Although this will be another difficult time. Over the next few weeks I'll have to decide if I'm going to keep her, or put her up for adoption. Deep down my heart tells me to let her go to a loving family with time and kids a real mom and a set future. But my mind doesn't think they will ever be good enough, my mind won't guarantee this family is good enough for her - I guess this is how I deal with almost everything. Noone is good enough for my friends and family until they prove it to me... and it is a very difficult process. It's just disappointing for me that these two weeks of Computer Games Camp - the two weeks I've looked forward to all summer have to pass with such urgency and anxiety. I don't want the camp to end... it's probably one of my favorite things about summer, hanging out with friends, living in the beautiful Quad and staying up late with funny, happy people [there aren't many opportunities to do this in life as I get older, that is unless the people are all getting drunk]. I'm at such a cross-roads in my life. I guess someone out there finds it funny to test me all summer long. Just like me testing everyone I know, with their patience and understanding of me, summer is always a test of my personality. And a hard one, too. School tests me in my ability to keep cool, which I constantly fail at but at least everyone there knows it. If I fail during the summer, it's just me here to judge myself.

- c

mid-summer, no dreams

Been listening to too much Kings of Leon, sleeping little, and studying nada. I love this summer camp, being around young people excited for their futures... even just excited for something are inspiring to be around. They all make friends really fast, and last year the campers created lasting bonds. I just wish it was the same story in my life. Seems like friendship [relationships in general] are short-lived... and that sucks. I think I'm starting to learn that I get really annoying in the ways that I push for "what is right" even though in speech I am totally against this way of thinking. It's like being hyper religious and not being able to explore other modes of thought - it's absolutely ignorant.

On that note, had a great conversation the other day with my friend and coworker, Kevin, with the Computer Games Camp. I'm reading a book now, Consciousness Explained by Dennett, and although I think he's a complete prick and not entirely solid in his arguments, I do appreciate the range of topics he covers - not to mention it's easier for me to read someone I disagree with and make my own claims then to fall into a trap believing a theorist I like a lot. So anyway, Kevin and I got to discussing AI. I hate AI - from my perspective it's a waste of time, definitely interesting to think about and question like black holes, the size of the universe, and zombies but entirely something that should be considered a pasttime as opposed to a field of study. Kevin - a computer programmer - of course thinks otherwise. He thinks its a worthwhile endeavor to study machine intelligence and believes in a conscious pile of organized metal. I can't deny that there might be a chance for conscious machines, I just don't want the whole political/ evil scientist tragedy to incur. I am more afraid with AI that someone will pretend to have figured it out and be able to convince others of this having some kind of reckless power over people. This - I think - scares me more than a machine actually having consciousness. Besides that fact, I think the biggest hurdle AI fanatics will have to cross is the fact that I do not believe machines will be able to understand time in the same way we do... or any living thing. As Kevin pointed out, for a machine to appear more realistic, error would have to be integrated into the system. But time is one thing the machine utilizes in a unique way, apart from how we "use" [manipulate, take-in] time. Kevin brought up the fact that maybe the machine could 'grow' in its understanding like a baby grows up and begins to understand time, but if emotions aren't difficult enough to artificially create, how hard would it be to being wiring the connection times and errors between emotions, how they meld and change not only that - time! It's the most elusive thing. Maybe the most human thing about us is that each of us has our own interactions with time, we each work slightly different and this heterogeneity would be extremely difficult to design into a machine. I know these points are loose and probably not the most important in the argument that I'm trying to create, but they are getting it somewhere. So, dear AI people when you figure out the natural world's understanding and use of time, as opposed to our perceived use of time maybe you will be getting somewhere... otherwise I am convinced all that you are doing is creating more and more powerful ancestors of Google, which really - is just an embarrassment to us all. 

- c

pretty ocean photography

the Corb of language

The more I think about it, the more I think life is about the conversation. The good, the bad, damaging and healing, speech and communication govern our lives. Sure we inhabit buildings for more than 80% of our time here, but we are so more trapped by language. I think I like chasing mysteries, the things that I just don't feel are "correctly" explained to me, and with them I try and struggle. And right now my mind can't get around the immensity that is language. It is also a pertinent topic, maybe not just for myself, but for my generation to grapple as language is constantly being manipulated. Like in architecture,where forms and materials are being manipulated as time goes on, language is being manipulated in its form, use, and analogical understanding. For some reason, I feel like I can let-go of my nostalgia of old architectural styles, sure my heart will always be more moved by a creation of the Spanish Moors than of Zaha Hadid or Eisenmann, but for some reason it just feels wrong to say the same of old languages. As of right now I am not interested in the "historic preservation" facet of linguistics - it interests me and concerns me - but I feel like the people in this camp are pursuing somewhat unrealistic, pitiful goals. I am much more interested in the evolutionary/ theoretical side of linguistics, how and why there is language, what it does to us and what control we have over it. I think my main concern with this side of things, is delving too deeply into AI... a side of philosophy and modernity... a fad I'd like to say that really gets me on my bad side - another thing I think linguists are wasting their time on. So I guess in both worlds - architecture and philosophy - I am somewhat of a traditionalist. I prefer old methods, and looking at old models to influence my own work, I'm not so enamored or convinced by the current trends [but I can certainly keep up with them and play along if need be]. But hey - Corb did the same - and I have no problem with shadowing his ancients-appreciating technique.

- c

ahhh whyyy

I cannot wait until it's the weekend! I don't think people could get more annoying at this point. From being shitty and just plain stupid, I need a break. Also, need to start focusing on GRE's and grad school applications. The Tuesday and Friday drunkenness isn't helping too much. It's sad that I don't have any new projects to boast about - besides a few new earrings - but no drawings, no writing, no architecture, or pictures. This needs to change. I was having such a good time this summer I've hardly even been reading - or buying books compulsively. It's absolutely amazing! But now the reality is going to set-in that people just get old after a while. I guess I never thought it would come about this soon in the summer, but yea. I hardly have anything interesting to write about now. I could say that my Footsie Fridays and Trivia Tuesdays are awesome, but now they are stained with people walking out on me. w/e I hate complaining about things or being down - this will just give me the fuel to work on projects.

Also can't wait to hear about puppy. It just occurred to me that there might be a problem if she is put up for adoption in a week - which will probably be the case - just to make my life a little more confusing... but how else would an archie have it? If I adopt her sometime around next weekend, it'll be soooo difficult and confusing for her. That's when my job at the summer camp starts and I have to start living in Quad then. I was reading online that new dogs get used to their homes in 2 - 4 weeks, but from 7 - 6 I'll only be able to see her for about an hour and then the question is where to keep her? I can bring her to stay with me in Quad, and keep it secret and then keep her in the house during the week... even though Greg is totally against her and that makes me nervous keeping her in the house, especially with how odd he's been acting recently. I'm not putting my baby in danger. Another option is to just keep her in Quad and hoope, hope, hope noone finds out... and thennn move her into the house after the camp... and then hope, hope, hope it's okay for her to move that much. Ahhh, this sucks so much.

I guess I had this all coming to me after having such a great couple semesters... I just really hope this isn't a foreshadowing for thesis.

- c

summer summer

Stopped by the humane society again yesterday to see Bella. I filled out the adoption form, and the girl behind the desk said I am the only one interested in her thus far. It makes me so nervous and excited to have her in my life. I'm mostly nervous about what the volunteers will drill me about, my lifestyle, my habits... my insecurities. My parents have trained me well to crack with the smallest bit of resistance. I'm a horrible liar, and very easily swayed.

This summer has slowly taken a turn for the worse... yet again. It seems like I can't go more than a week without something going wrong. Things were great - ahh and now after introducing people to each other I end up as the odd one out. I don't know why this always seems to happen to me. As far back as I can remember, I'm the friendly, forward person I meet people quickly and easily and I love introducing new friends to the old. It just seems like every time I do this, my friends get really close and then I'm left looking for new people again. It makes me so happy that my friends always come together very quickly, but I hate feeling like the one who has become distant. ughhh This is yet another reason a pup would be so great, for those times when my friends desert me, there'll be someone around to hang out with.

- c 

puppies and gre's

Still waiting on news about Bella from the shelter, I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high, but I want to help her get back to good health. I feel like this pup and I could really help each other. There was an extremely cute black chiuaua mix with the biggest eyes, but deep down in my heart I know he's not strong enough to live in my lifestyle. Bella is hearty though - she's got some punch despite having worms in her heart. She's very protective, but I'm hoping she could learn from my personality and my big group of friends and family, to be more open and friendly. It makes me nervous to think about the costs of having a dog, but I also think she'll make my life more structured and meaningful. I think I'd be more money-conscious knowing I have to feed someone else, and more focused in school knowing that someone is waiting for me to get home. I think one major limiting factor in getting Bella would be if I don't get into grad school, it would be difficult finding a reason to leave her and go abroad with the Peace Corps, or to a firm in Slovenia.

All I keep doing is refreshing the humane society's website. The girl at the front counter seemed so happy that I was interested in this puppy, she told me that when she's up on the website she'll be ready for adoption... but maybe she's not there because she still needs treatment for her heartworms. I just hope it doesn't mean someone's already taken her.

- c

oh, also she looks like this:

 and the black one looks like this:

No lies, they are this adorable.