Sooo I guess Phil was right when he said I could be nervous in a room full of puppies. Bella comes home again today after work and I feel so guilty and nervous. Since I'm working two jobs for one more week, I've asked Eric to help me care for her. I trust him a lot more than my family, and he has the little bit of extra time to spend with her after he's done with research. The only problem is that his apartment doesn't allow pets and I'm so, so afraid he's going to be caught and get into massive trouble. If that happens I'll feel like a complete idiot and be very upset. I guess it's doubly bad as well, because as a foster parent the pup is supposed to always be under my care - and only my care. In the packet it lists "spouse" as another appropriate caretaker, which isn't really Eric, but close enough. There are just soooo many things that can go wrong... I didn't know I could be such a risk-taker haha. I'm also a nervous wreck, because Bella is now coming back after having her two final treatments. When I called at lunch, the girl at the front desk told me she'll have two medications now - which I'm sure will be fine, but I'm still going to be worried. I feel like having Bella around - especially because she's sick - has turned me into the worry-filled mother that I fear becoming. Besides the fact that I am also terrified of having a baby growing inside of me, I think the first year of baby-hood would be absolutely horrendous. I know I could deal with the late nights, the care-taking responsibilities, the intelligence-learning... it's really the fear of the baby hurting him/herself that scares me the most. If my baby even so much as got a bruise I'm sure I'd be in tears for days. I would worry for months about the repercussions of that bump, and what illness each sneeze might mean. I look at mothers who are like that now and think they are absurdly insane. I don't want to turn into that. If I am this worried about a puppy recovering from the last stages of heartworms, God knows how shell-shocked I'd be with a real human baby.
Anyways, I'm excited to have her come back into my life. I'll be especially happy when it's me and her again in my apartment - that allows pets. Although this will be another difficult time. Over the next few weeks I'll have to decide if I'm going to keep her, or put her up for adoption. Deep down my heart tells me to let her go to a loving family with time and kids a real mom and a set future. But my mind doesn't think they will ever be good enough, my mind won't guarantee this family is good enough for her - I guess this is how I deal with almost everything. Noone is good enough for my friends and family until they prove it to me... and it is a very difficult process. It's just disappointing for me that these two weeks of Computer Games Camp - the two weeks I've looked forward to all summer have to pass with such urgency and anxiety. I don't want the camp to end... it's probably one of my favorite things about summer, hanging out with friends, living in the beautiful Quad and staying up late with funny, happy people [there aren't many opportunities to do this in life as I get older, that is unless the people are all getting drunk]. I'm at such a cross-roads in my life. I guess someone out there finds it funny to test me all summer long. Just like me testing everyone I know, with their patience and understanding of me, summer is always a test of my personality. And a hard one, too. School tests me in my ability to keep cool, which I constantly fail at but at least everyone there knows it. If I fail during the summer, it's just me here to judge myself.
- c
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