Now that camp is sadly winding down to a close, it'll be back to planning my real future. I'm wayy behind in studying for the GRE's. I think I'm just going to have to be confident with my vocabulary skills and focus-in on studying for the math. My main hope of getting into grad school will be invested in NYU. The thought of Harvard excites and scares me, but if I find out that they are going to be condescending, or completely judge me by a standardized test score, then I'm not sure I'd have as much in common with them as I'd originally hoped. I guess I should still give it a chance though. I think I'm also feeling like I'm in a crunch because this summer's ending is so up in the air. I could get away with a couple weekends in New York and Boston, but that coupled with a week at the beach might be too much with the responsibilities of puppy still up in the air.
AND that's another decision that's still just paperwork sitting around on the kitchen counter. I get the feeling that the Humane Society has become comfortable with me looking after her, and will only come searching for my money when they actually realize she's still in my care. After visiting her the other night at Eric's I'm beginning to realize just how difficult it will be if I have to let her go. When he and I were walking out to my car we could hear her barking from his room, and then she was whining all night when I was gone. I am attached to her, I worry about her, and it makes me care so much more when I realize just how much she cares for and misses me. It's heartbreaking to know that she recognizes I'm still the one who saved her from her homelessness. I think having Bella around has really skewed my own perspectives on how I live. I was so free before, and I didn't even realize it. Having someone you are truly responsible for changes your whole vision of time and the future. If Bella is still around in my future she will be the determinant of numerous things. Where I live, when and how many times I can go away, where I spend my mornings and evenings, the times I wake up. Everything in my life is altered with her presence. I think what's beginning to scare me about having her around, mostly due to the fact that she is aggressive with other dogs like Whisp, is that I won't be able to travel like I want to. I feel so selfish saying that, but ever since going to college, and especially since returning from Italy I've had an insatiable desire to travel as much as possible. Why else would I be seriously considering grad school in linguistics, with the idea that if Plan A fails, I will join the Peace Corps just to prove what I mean to do with my life. With Bella in the picture, everything changes. There is no way I could "return" her to the Humane Society, and putting her in the hands of one of my family members as a result of my life decisions would also feel like being a huge failure. The feeling of being a mother to this pup is strong, and it's really changing my plans for the future. I believe in things happening for a reason, I often find that the things that happen in my life are extremely comical to look back upon. The real irony of my life is like something out of a bad dream. But I guess it's this thought that makes me think Bella and I were strung together for some "ultimate" reason. Maybe she's going to be what keeps me on the path of architecture. The path I've waned in and out of for four years, but somehow always been on course. She could be the moment in my life that forces me to work for a firm after graduation and not do this Master's thing. Who knows? My vision is completely blinded at this point. I don't think I've ever had this much trouble dreaming about my own future [I mean really that's basically my forte on this blog]. Ahhh, what's to come?
- c
AND that's another decision that's still just paperwork sitting around on the kitchen counter. I get the feeling that the Humane Society has become comfortable with me looking after her, and will only come searching for my money when they actually realize she's still in my care. After visiting her the other night at Eric's I'm beginning to realize just how difficult it will be if I have to let her go. When he and I were walking out to my car we could hear her barking from his room, and then she was whining all night when I was gone. I am attached to her, I worry about her, and it makes me care so much more when I realize just how much she cares for and misses me. It's heartbreaking to know that she recognizes I'm still the one who saved her from her homelessness. I think having Bella around has really skewed my own perspectives on how I live. I was so free before, and I didn't even realize it. Having someone you are truly responsible for changes your whole vision of time and the future. If Bella is still around in my future she will be the determinant of numerous things. Where I live, when and how many times I can go away, where I spend my mornings and evenings, the times I wake up. Everything in my life is altered with her presence. I think what's beginning to scare me about having her around, mostly due to the fact that she is aggressive with other dogs like Whisp, is that I won't be able to travel like I want to. I feel so selfish saying that, but ever since going to college, and especially since returning from Italy I've had an insatiable desire to travel as much as possible. Why else would I be seriously considering grad school in linguistics, with the idea that if Plan A fails, I will join the Peace Corps just to prove what I mean to do with my life. With Bella in the picture, everything changes. There is no way I could "return" her to the Humane Society, and putting her in the hands of one of my family members as a result of my life decisions would also feel like being a huge failure. The feeling of being a mother to this pup is strong, and it's really changing my plans for the future. I believe in things happening for a reason, I often find that the things that happen in my life are extremely comical to look back upon. The real irony of my life is like something out of a bad dream. But I guess it's this thought that makes me think Bella and I were strung together for some "ultimate" reason. Maybe she's going to be what keeps me on the path of architecture. The path I've waned in and out of for four years, but somehow always been on course. She could be the moment in my life that forces me to work for a firm after graduation and not do this Master's thing. Who knows? My vision is completely blinded at this point. I don't think I've ever had this much trouble dreaming about my own future [I mean really that's basically my forte on this blog]. Ahhh, what's to come?
- c
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