the moving on song

I wish I could say on here the numerous things that have been going through my mind recently, I'm slowly finding out though the number of people that actually read this thing... I kind of thought it was just me. But the many feelings I've been having lately are so unlike what has been going on in my life, for years. It's so strange, exciting, frightening - all at the same time. For once in my life, I really wish I was alone. And I mean this in many ways, the most important being that I really wish I was living alone... just a few weeks could really do it I think. I don't know why living with other people has been so stressful lately. I kind of just want it to be me and Bella for a little while. For us to hang out and bond, time for me to teach her what I want and in the way that I want to. Time for me to have free space and free reign to study seriously for the GRE's. Time to figure out my true interests and arguments, to research what is going on at NYU and Harvard. I even wish I could just come and go without having to acknowledge other people in the process - and I've NEVER been like this before in my life. I've always wanted people around. Usually I'm nervous being by myself for a couple of hours. Maybe it's having the pup around... I'm really not alone with her here. But the presence of people, for some reason is really becoming an annoyance to me. I'm debating moving into my room in Warren Hall with the pup. Or just back home, home. I guess in both cases people would be around, but I wouldn't be swamped in piles of shit like at this apartment and I wouldn't really have to interact with the other people around. At home I get by being the black sheep. I'm left to my "areas" of the house to do the things I want and noone really gets in my way. And in Warren - noone really talks there. Actually, being back in Quad would be my best dream come true. I'd have a/c, a huge lawn, and practically noone around... probably noone even in my building. Ahh, the peace I could find there.

I'm not sure this kind of thinking is leading me to want the summer to end. In fact, I think the summer ending would just bring more hordes of people that I don't want to see right now [jeesh I sound like a hermit]. I want the summer to continue on, I just want it to be a summer to myself some time to really figure things out and let Bella get better, without having to worry about her being too hot, or too cramped, or anything. Oh, I pray for my sanity.

- c