stalemate

Soo... another day another dollar, right? Only today it's once again back to chasing dollars. Got a heads-up on a small internship op for the semester/ breaks and spent the entire afternoon editing my resume for it. The editing was basically to clarify on my graphic design experience, more than archi stuff because the job is looking for a marketing/ 2d designer - and I think that for these things I am highly qualified... just sometimes... all-of-the-time it must not show through in my resume (or face?). Okay, don't be surprised - but I have zero confidence in myself. Also, it was so disappointing to feel my old worries come back so quickly. When the file lost itself and when things weren't lining up my typical high-stress feelings came into my gut. It was like the rush swelled up in milliseconds. And even though this resume-editing isn't really a life-or-death thing, even though it's not even connected to school work... it made me just as anxious as I get in school. When the file was lost - I freaked out, when things weren't lined up or looking awkward - I freaked out, when the writing sucked, when there were too many words... basically every single step along the way I got more and more lightheaded, angry, and frustrated... which is altogether bad. There are always going to be stressful things in my life, things that I really want to do right, or achieve, but I can't get in this state for all of these things. There needs to be some kind of amendment.

I think that behind a lot of these feelings is some inability to trust people that I'm working with. I notice that when someone takes over the screen, or part of a project I have a hard time letting go. I can't allow that person's input and that's a big big problem... one that I never used to have. There's something to be said for teamwork, and that's something I always used to be good at, I don't know what it's been about this architecture thing that's erased so much of old me. When these feelings arise I just want to get the control back and then when I have that control, I just want it to all be over. These are horrible, horrible working habits and something that neeeds to change before I go into DD. Peoples' input is good, it should be seen as good and I should accept it, but for some reason I have no trust in my classmates. I'm not the best archi - and I know this - and yet somehow I won't let other peoples' opinions into my work.... wow I have problems.

Talking about problems, I didn't think I'd write about this on a blog, but some aspects of my life have really taken a turn for the worst. This past weekend was excruciating and heartbreaking. Eric and I 'broke up' and I spent two hours driving home, drowning in tears. I spent that morning - when he asked me to 'stick around' for some time - either not speaking because I was in shock, or asking if he had anything more to say... but there was nothing. I thought that giving him those avenues would have produced some sort of response, but he held his ground, and opinions. I convinced myself all weekend long that he didn't want to be with me anymore and had a difficult time envisioning my 'future' without him. It was probably some of the most sharp pain I've felt in the past ten years. Much to my surprise, I got a call on Sunday that changed the situation drastically and suddenly I didn't know what to think. He wanted to fix things. After to talking with everyone over the weekend they were telling me to prepare for the worst, so I was ready with my shield for when that call came. What I wasn't ready for, was what I got - an apology and someone who wanted to fix things for the better. It was all and more than what I had hoped for all weekend long. I really thought that this was the turning of a new page,  a fresh, new chapter... but now I'm not so sure of that. Since that call on Sunday we've had a good conversation and then a bad one, definitely no new steps forward in fact I'm more scared of this in-between spot that we seem to be stuck in. It's like we can't be apart, but when we're together it's just nothing good. All of the girls say that when something like that's happened to them, the boys will shower them with good things. They will try really hard to mend what's happen, to prove they are changed and really a good guy. Well I had to excruciatingly push that information onto Eric myself. I basically had to explain the things that would really win me over... which was disappointing that I would have to explain that and not just see it happen, because it should. I'm just not sure what he's really after and it's killing me. If he honestly wanted this to work out wouldn't we be arguing less now, trying to make things better, trying to have fun? After having two of my plans shot down for this weekend - going to the cia and horseback riding - and then being told about some party ... late, as usual... I just don't know what to think. I guess he'll go out and have fun on Friday and then we'll just sit around my house on Saturday since my suggestions weren't good enough. I'm not sure I'm ready for a week on an island with him right now.

- c