rambles

Ahh, the week... and there's nothing to do again. I should really be getting up, probably working out, or making some sort of a project, and yet all I do everyday is read, write, and draw. It seems like something has changed in my mom's attitude towards me lately, and it's a good change. Yesterday I told her how sad I was that I will be going into next semester/ year with an extremely low account balance, and usually I would expect from her some form of blame - that I didn't try hard enough or it's all my fault - but instead she said "everything happens for a reason" (I really hope that's true). She also walked into the room where I spend all my time last night and before going to sleep asked me if I had been drawing - I had a watercolor drying off to the side - that's probably one of the first times she's shown interest in my work and it made me feel really happy.... maybe this is a result of me doing the dishes everyday now, out of boredom?

Thankfully tonight I can look forward to a 'picnic' with some bld friends. Anything new being introduced to my mundane life is more than welcome - so long as it doesn't include a whole lot of money. And ahh, trying to prepare myself for this semester. I'm am scared to death... to say the least. I kind of want to just slip by, get away with doing a few things I enjoy and sleep most of the time... but I honestly know that's not going to happen. I know that James and I have a lot of respect for each other right now and I don't see either of us really wanting to argue for stupid reasons, I just hope my conversation can be as clear and articulate so we can avoid those problems that most people have with me. I also want to work on my input. I know that sometimes I get this 'vision' in my head, but I need to understand that sometimes it's not the best idea and I need to let his ideas take the forefront. I guess it's just me needing to learn to trust other people. Sure it's a project - and an important one at that - but we'll be getting input from the professors all along the way, and if I let him have the reins on the thing at one point, maybe that will just mean I can have a little more control at the next point. Above all I want to avoid the feelings of worthlessness that I've had for the past three semesters. I can deal with exhaustion, wear-and-tear, those sorts of things I do because I have some sort of 'pull' for this excruciating career choice, but feelings of depression and worthlessness that I know arise from other aspects of my life.

Maybe a good example to lift my spirits could be to look at Borromini. He wasn't a child prodigy like Bernini, but after many years, after a lifetime of experiences of his own he came to be a great, and in my mind even more of a genius and inspiration than Bernini. It's not like I have to be the best student in the school now to equate to a great professional life, maybe I'll learn and build as I go. I already know that some of the situations in school are not the best for me. Having a boyfriend is difficult, feeling detached from a number of my classmates also brings about some anxiety, and battling with a bad vision of myself certainly doesn't help my case in an environment where people are out to eat you alive (talk about zombies and vampires... just go to architecture school). Also knowing that I have a different set of interests and joys from my classmates is setting me more at ease. I don't want to be like them - and I'm not. Maybe my interest in places like Ostia, Piensa, the pyramids, all of these ancient, romanesque these places shrouded in mystery for some reason make my heart beat a little bit faster. Maybe being caught-up in the modern motions of architecture isn't my cup of tea, it worries me so much the immense competition - I know it's a 'flaw' in my person - but competition in sports is okay, competition in school puts me on edge, we're all trying to go to the same place, yes, but why not help each other out than make each other feel like crap?

Okay, this is turning into useless banter, I don't know what the future will hold - looking back at my good old two-year mini sketchbook, I read how only at the beginning of this semester I had wanted to get a job in graphic design....? Sure I had one good project that was complimented on for my use of color and layout, but since then I think my graphic sensibilities have been on the decline. I think this was yet another way 'out' of the realm of architecture, little did I know graphic designers are as stingy to hire someone out of their field as archies are. I guess it's the whole 'fraternity'/ cult feel that these types of creative careers carry along with them. I really hope that my interests in historic architecture, preservation/conservation and archaeology will last. (maybe another trip to Naples or Italy in general will spark this flame again.... or maybe I just want another trip back).

- c