Ahhh, walking around RPI. It puts me so on edge. Just approaching the Greene Building makes me start to get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach - the library, the place I should love the most is nerve-wreaking because I never know who will walk in. Even professors I should be happy to see - like DBell makes me nervous - I won't know what to say, I'll go back to feeling dumb and worthless... just the anxiety of seeing these people is such a bad thing. Eric looks forward to school. He's working under one of his professors as a master's student and this guy is already giving him job offers. I always thought that architecture professors and 'us' students were supposed to be really close. That they are some of the most accessible professors on campus. I mean at this point I have to believe it's something about myself that turns them away from me - maybe it's that I didn't go out enough in Italy or I'm not artsy enough for Oatman.... ? I just wish I could have that one 'go to' professor that I could trust to help me out in the future. I feel like that could have been DBell until last semester when I broke down in his office at the end of the year. I was so heartbroken, upset, confused I didn't want to have anything more to do with architecture and saying this to him made me feel so worthless. He's like the crown prince of the school of architecture (that would be I guess if the dean were 'king'... which now he definitely is not, but Balfour was...), so how do you tell the crown prince you just don't belong in the kingdom and it makes you sad to be there? Okay, that was taken a bit far, but it's comparable.
So, I went to the Greene Building today... as mentioned... huge knot in my stomach, ensuing headache, sweating, nervous... and decided to looked around the library for some architectural inspiration. Lately, I've been so disinterested in everything I've seen. There's not much that sparks my imagination and this worries me seeing as I need to be wooed by a single building for an entire semester. I flipped through a couple nice magazines but all there is these days are spiraling whirlygigs or super boxy white things or a complete and utter mess of shapes all crumpled together. It's like information overload in architecture these days.
Rich was comparing it to the current car market - how they press for a million different mini concepts and expect this great animal to emerge, but instead it just falls short in all the categories it was supposed to excel, not to mention all the cars are just huge, bulky bubble-vehicles now. And I guess the same can be said for architecture - it's all just an up and down and all around mess. The architectural 'language' has completely degenerated, and even in school they are breeding young archies who hide whatever knowledge they harbor. Noone shares anymore in this architectural cult. This should be a flourishing culture a group of people apart from the world but in-tune with one another, not a jaded underground game...
Ah, alright I need to work on the whole angst-towards-architecture thing it's really killing me and noone cares haha. Either I'm guna like this thing or not, and that decision has to come along pretty soon.
- c
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