I will probably regret writing this at some point, but then again bad things will always come up again and I'll feel all the same feelings as always. I'm not sure how many people really grasp how much my mom and I don't get along. Ever since I was little she and I have had problems. I remember getting into an argument with her when I was really young maybe twelve or so and writing her a letter to try and fix things because we could not communicate about anything without yelling. Needless to say she ripped the letter apart and never read it... completely dismissing any contact from me to her. I think that event began my disbelief in her.
Besides the double-standard she holds for me and my sister my mom always seem to blame me for things she should be taking responsibility for. For instance, just today it was brought up how we haven't seen one of my grandmas over the winter break. I asked why we hadn't seen her yet - just to make sure everything was okay because to get any sort of family information out of my parents is like breaking into top secret cia files... but anyway - my mom puts the blame on me by saying "its because not all of us have been home on the weekends this break" - this is hurtful on sooo many ways because first it's a passive-agressive way of putting the blame on me (not saying my name, but everyone knows I'm the only person who's been away lately) and second because I always ask before I leave if "we"/ they plan on doing anything on the weekend - with the intention that if something were coming up I would stay around. So, I don't take the blame for my whole family not seeing my grandma this break - that is complete bull shit (we never get to see our grandmas or other relatives and its always because my mom and dad don't take any initiative to leave this freaking house - we miss summers of fun with family because they don't feel like leaving their own little bubble). So - my anger is pretty much at a height now. There are numerous other times and instances I could write about her being unfair and brutal but no one would ever know and probably hardly believe me because she transforms into this angel/nice lady whenever anyone outside of the family is around.
I just can't express to you how frustrating it feels to have a mother whose only of expressing anything seeming like "love" towards me is through monetary things. She always thinks I'm not being grateful of her when I don't want the fifth pair of "ugg" boots shes offering to me, but really boots and clothes and the things she finds really captivating in life - aren't at all what I'm looking for. I'm really just looking for a little bit of respect from her - maybe a conversation that doesn't turn into an argument where I'm getting blamed for things, or some common decency like a "hello" when I'm around or saying "goodbye" when I leave. I dunno - I'm sure my situation is a lot better than some - but the constant verbal abuse I get from her yelling and blaming me for things sure takes a toll on me.
- c
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