Being back in Troy is making me realize a lot of things. Coming back to architecture and seeing everyone in my classes is feeling strange to me. I especially feel disconnected from everyone because they have all formed networks and friendships that I feel like somewhere along the way I missed out on. I had a great time with my non-archie friends freshman year, and then with the Skanks in second year, and of course Eric has come into my life and changed it drastically, too. I guess I felt like at one time I was a real member of my class, but now that I'm back I feel more aloof than ever - and I really wish it wasn't that way.
I think all of this is hitting me hard right now, because I am worried for when Marissa leaves to go to China. In the past, she has been the one person I can rely upon in architecture and when I left for Rome it was hard because I didn't have a true friendship the whole trip long. Now I'm afraid that being back in Troy will leave me on my own again and I don't know how to reach out and become friends with these people who are already in a groups of friends. I know I have Coker to hang out with - as long as our sleeping schedules remain close haha... and thankfully she's in my studio. It's just at this time that I wish I was back in the Skank again because then Coker and I could hang out more easily... but instead I'm on the other side of town [I guess the greatness of this place had to be overcome by something...]. I think that is another reason I am feeling so uncomfortable here. Being this far away from campus I feel like I'm leaving the vicinity of the community when I go home. This could come in handy when I'm sick of being around campus... but it also has its down sides - like discouraging me from going to class and keeping me from being able to just "stop-by" at peoples places.
I really wish architecture hadn't turned me into such a scared and cynical person. I feel like these qualities also make it harder for me to reach out to people, because my thinking these days is just that people don't want to be bothered by me. Architecture has also made me afraid to speak about what I think and believe because I'm always afraid of being told I'm wrong in a horribly crushing manner... not to mention I already don't think very highly of myself and to hear it coming from other people just makes me feel even worse. I guess it's just frustrating to see how much architecture has made me into a weak and lost person. I really wish there was some driving force keeping me here and happy and interested in what I am doing. Instead, I feel like I'm struggling to stay afloat and that despite all the things I try I'm just getting further and further away from where I want to go. I don't know if any other people feel like this at this point, but its a very disheartening feeling. I'm also so lost because I feel like if I'm not good at architecture than I don't know what else I could feel compelled to do with my life. Ahhhh... I just wish I had some inspiration or guidance or someone to tell me that I'm doing things right... because right now I just feel like everything I do is wrong. Which also makes me wish that I was a more optimistic and forgetful person because then I wouldn't dwell on things for so long and I wouldn't get so upset by everything. These are things I really need to work on.
- c
Christianna we all get these feelings at times, and i cant tell you how many times i personally have felt the urge to drop it all and quit. there is so much that they throw at us that i feel is nothing even close to what i want to do, and when i start to like something, an entirely different approach is brought to us, and then the old seems to be forgotten. i too always feel like i get upset about it all, and are no good at what this crazy field of what we see archticture is. but then after talking with other architects, designers, and so forth and seeing all of these firms that exist today, i look and think, at this point i feel like i could do any of what they have. we may not be the next influential minds of our times, re-writing the books so to speak, but we will all be successful in whatever we do thanks to the opportunities and experiences that we have had with our school. there is so much that you are good at and whatever anyone tells you is only because they are professors who must do so, or becuase they do not see great friend you are. so cheer up! you have plenty to worry about later on in life, it can be hard but be more optimistic and stick with it. now get back to studio for some more all nighters hahaha
ReplyDeletelol thanks jeff : ]
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