Being back in Troy is making me realize a lot of things. Coming back to architecture and seeing everyone in my classes is feeling strange to me. I especially feel disconnected from everyone because they have all formed networks and friendships that I feel like somewhere along the way I missed out on. I had a great time with my non-archie friends freshman year, and then with the Skanks in second year, and of course Eric has come into my life and changed it drastically, too. I guess I felt like at one time I was a real member of my class, but now that I'm back I feel more aloof than ever - and I really wish it wasn't that way.
I think all of this is hitting me hard right now, because I am worried for when Marissa leaves to go to China. In the past, she has been the one person I can rely upon in architecture and when I left for Rome it was hard because I didn't have a true friendship the whole trip long. Now I'm afraid that being back in Troy will leave me on my own again and I don't know how to reach out and become friends with these people who are already in a groups of friends. I know I have Coker to hang out with - as long as our sleeping schedules remain close haha... and thankfully she's in my studio. It's just at this time that I wish I was back in the Skank again because then Coker and I could hang out more easily... but instead I'm on the other side of town [I guess the greatness of this place had to be overcome by something...]. I think that is another reason I am feeling so uncomfortable here. Being this far away from campus I feel like I'm leaving the vicinity of the community when I go home. This could come in handy when I'm sick of being around campus... but it also has its down sides - like discouraging me from going to class and keeping me from being able to just "stop-by" at peoples places.
I really wish architecture hadn't turned me into such a scared and cynical person. I feel like these qualities also make it harder for me to reach out to people, because my thinking these days is just that people don't want to be bothered by me. Architecture has also made me afraid to speak about what I think and believe because I'm always afraid of being told I'm wrong in a horribly crushing manner... not to mention I already don't think very highly of myself and to hear it coming from other people just makes me feel even worse. I guess it's just frustrating to see how much architecture has made me into a weak and lost person. I really wish there was some driving force keeping me here and happy and interested in what I am doing. Instead, I feel like I'm struggling to stay afloat and that despite all the things I try I'm just getting further and further away from where I want to go. I don't know if any other people feel like this at this point, but its a very disheartening feeling. I'm also so lost because I feel like if I'm not good at architecture than I don't know what else I could feel compelled to do with my life. Ahhhh... I just wish I had some inspiration or guidance or someone to tell me that I'm doing things right... because right now I just feel like everything I do is wrong. Which also makes me wish that I was a more optimistic and forgetful person because then I wouldn't dwell on things for so long and I wouldn't get so upset by everything. These are things I really need to work on.
- c
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Fun things about Day 1
I forgot to write about the good/ funny things about today:
1- went to A Dragon
2- Marissa supported me going into the Greene Building
3- philosophy class was funny
4- no homework... yet
5- Marissa said she and Jeff are eating cat in their first week in China and this is digusting but funny/ true - the market near them in Shanghai sells placenta... from people... hmm [?]
6- dozed off at Eric's [but didn't have to worry about doing work!]
7- got a new book [this time its about the brain and people with synesthesia - unlike two semesters ago when I was reading the physics book]! and had coffee at the bookstore [yum] !
8- get to sleep in my comfy bed... not in studio!
Okay... that's all! Goodnight!
-c
1- went to A Dragon
2- Marissa supported me going into the Greene Building
3- philosophy class was funny
4- no homework... yet
5- Marissa said she and Jeff are eating cat in their first week in China and this is digusting but funny/ true - the market near them in Shanghai sells placenta... from people... hmm [?]
6- dozed off at Eric's [but didn't have to worry about doing work!]
7- got a new book [this time its about the brain and people with synesthesia - unlike two semesters ago when I was reading the physics book]! and had coffee at the bookstore [yum] !
8- get to sleep in my comfy bed... not in studio!
Okay... that's all! Goodnight!
-c
First Day of Schoooool
It's finally back to good ole RPI... I couldn't sleep last night in anticipation of listening to the studio verticals and also just thinking of what to expect from the philosophy class. But when the day came it was all but joyous - I woke up groggy and nervous and to top it all off I had decided to walk to school to find it pouring after my first class.
Philosophy sounds like it will be interesting - it will definitely be a thinking class, but maybe putting my crazy thinking-mind into something like this will distract it from becoming completely muddied-up in the world of architecture. We also have a number of essays to do, which will probably be a lot when my other work piles up, but myabe it could end up being a way to express some feelings or opinions I have on the topics we discuss in class [I'm just scared Eric's going to be 100 billion times better than me and I'll feel like a loser lol].
We started today by discussing "logic" which I like to learn - my professor brought up learning the geometry proofs - like what we learned in high school - those were my favorite things to do! I think I enjoy philosophy because it is reasoning just like in math, but in this subject I don't mess up numbers. It is a little intimidating though - being one of three girls in the class and it filled with really smart mathematicians and engineers who could outshine me in four milliseconds thinking through these problems like they do math and engineering problems... whereas I'll be toying around in the back with some drawing that makes about 20% sense and the rest is messed up because I'll have drawn it wrong haha.
Studio was frightening - just for the fact that I'm back to the Greene Building - the most uncomfortable place on earth... and I'm super-nervous about what vertical I'll be put into and what the professors will say to make me go home and cry about this semester. I choose Oatman as my first choice because at least for me - he's the least intimidating and actually the most interesting studio presentation that I heard. I have really wanted to do an installation piece and although I don't know anything about designing for sound - learning it from Oatman will probably be the best for me because he teaches by "doing" and drawing rather than researching and suddenly producing designs from abstract data. That's not to say the project will be lacking in abstractness - I'm sure it will be very abstract... especially when dealing with a material like sound.
I also probably looked like a dork to him today because I tried to be really friendly to him just incase I get into the studio so that for once I can have a good relationship with one of my professors and maybe build a trust with someone in this school that I can go to in times of doubt or when I need advice. DBell - he's my advisor - but he is really intimidating. Krueger is also scary to me because he knows sooooo much and I feel like being in his studio would just be a constant struggle with him turning me down and correcting me with his superior knowledge [which is probably what I "should" be doing because I could be learning the hard way... but after being so disappointed from my final presentation/grade in Rome and also the same for Gustavo's studio/ him letting me down by not guiding me and then leaving me to crash and burn... I just want an honest good semester.... oye!].
I just read the syllabus for "Building Systems and Environment" which is basically the follow-up course to EES and I'm .... surprise, surprise.... nervous for this thing, too. We have to work in partners... which means stress upon having to find people to work with and also finding ways to work with them/ finding ways for me to communicate my ideas [which no one really understands cuz I suck at talking]. And then the nervouness of people not understanding me and the frustration that always insues. All I can hope for is to be awake and to attend this class so I can get through.
Tomorrow I have that class "BSE" [? - maybe thats what it'll be called?] and then the writing elective I signed up for which I am not yet sold on if it will be "fun" or not. This will definitely add to my essay-milage for the semester, but I had really wanted to get into a creative writing class. I haven't recieved the syllabus yet for this course, but its more geared at writing in a classroom setting and for learning how to get your ideas across. I just hope there's some creativity involved so I can have a little bit of freedom in my work.
Wish me luck tomorrow [crossing my fingers for a good studio selection!!
-c
p.s. already day 1 and there's a million things on my mindddd ahhhh... sooo loong breakkk : [
Philosophy sounds like it will be interesting - it will definitely be a thinking class, but maybe putting my crazy thinking-mind into something like this will distract it from becoming completely muddied-up in the world of architecture. We also have a number of essays to do, which will probably be a lot when my other work piles up, but myabe it could end up being a way to express some feelings or opinions I have on the topics we discuss in class [I'm just scared Eric's going to be 100 billion times better than me and I'll feel like a loser lol].
We started today by discussing "logic" which I like to learn - my professor brought up learning the geometry proofs - like what we learned in high school - those were my favorite things to do! I think I enjoy philosophy because it is reasoning just like in math, but in this subject I don't mess up numbers. It is a little intimidating though - being one of three girls in the class and it filled with really smart mathematicians and engineers who could outshine me in four milliseconds thinking through these problems like they do math and engineering problems... whereas I'll be toying around in the back with some drawing that makes about 20% sense and the rest is messed up because I'll have drawn it wrong haha.
Studio was frightening - just for the fact that I'm back to the Greene Building - the most uncomfortable place on earth... and I'm super-nervous about what vertical I'll be put into and what the professors will say to make me go home and cry about this semester. I choose Oatman as my first choice because at least for me - he's the least intimidating and actually the most interesting studio presentation that I heard. I have really wanted to do an installation piece and although I don't know anything about designing for sound - learning it from Oatman will probably be the best for me because he teaches by "doing" and drawing rather than researching and suddenly producing designs from abstract data. That's not to say the project will be lacking in abstractness - I'm sure it will be very abstract... especially when dealing with a material like sound.
I also probably looked like a dork to him today because I tried to be really friendly to him just incase I get into the studio so that for once I can have a good relationship with one of my professors and maybe build a trust with someone in this school that I can go to in times of doubt or when I need advice. DBell - he's my advisor - but he is really intimidating. Krueger is also scary to me because he knows sooooo much and I feel like being in his studio would just be a constant struggle with him turning me down and correcting me with his superior knowledge [which is probably what I "should" be doing because I could be learning the hard way... but after being so disappointed from my final presentation/grade in Rome and also the same for Gustavo's studio/ him letting me down by not guiding me and then leaving me to crash and burn... I just want an honest good semester.... oye!].
I just read the syllabus for "Building Systems and Environment" which is basically the follow-up course to EES and I'm .... surprise, surprise.... nervous for this thing, too. We have to work in partners... which means stress upon having to find people to work with and also finding ways to work with them/ finding ways for me to communicate my ideas [which no one really understands cuz I suck at talking]. And then the nervouness of people not understanding me and the frustration that always insues. All I can hope for is to be awake and to attend this class so I can get through.
Tomorrow I have that class "BSE" [? - maybe thats what it'll be called?] and then the writing elective I signed up for which I am not yet sold on if it will be "fun" or not. This will definitely add to my essay-milage for the semester, but I had really wanted to get into a creative writing class. I haven't recieved the syllabus yet for this course, but its more geared at writing in a classroom setting and for learning how to get your ideas across. I just hope there's some creativity involved so I can have a little bit of freedom in my work.
Wish me luck tomorrow [crossing my fingers for a good studio selection!!
-c
p.s. already day 1 and there's a million things on my mindddd ahhhh... sooo loong breakkk : [Sunday, January 24, 2010
Last Night of Freedom
I'm hoping my little bit of excitment for vertical studio presentations will somewhat "force" me to wake up at those dreadful hours in the morning [8.50am]. I'm both interested and scared for being in a vertical becaues I could choose an amazing class to be in... but then be stuck with people who will be showing me up all the time and struggle through it despite enjoying the material... ooooor I could be stuck in a really hard class with not-so-hard-working people and therefore struggle the whole semester as well. All I can do is pray for the best!
I should mention, too, how much I like my apartment [this is also before commuting to class...]. It is spacious for only three people and home-y - we have a huuuge living room, and a big porch, and cute little kitchen! Best of all - I finally get my own room to come and go as I please without disrupting other people and without having to hear other people moving around when my brain feels damaged from no sleep. I got some nice new bedding also which always makes me happy, plus its shiney which is another plus plus haha. Annddd it's a fuuulll bed instead of a tiny twin haha - I don't know how much better this living situation could get for now! [so long as I'm not mugged living on this street lol]
Well now I really wish I had bought a book the other night while wandering aorund Barnes & Nobles with E and Karl haha I feel bad having dragged them there and wandered around for about two hours when they were planning on getting up at the crack of dawn to go skiing. I'm not tired yet and not really bored but maybe a book would force me to sleep? Probably not - I could read forever.
Okay, well since I can't think of anything more to write for now I guess thats all! Wish me luck tomorrow that I don't run out of the Greene Building crying in fear and that I can wake up and get to Philosophy on time tomorrow haha [the second will be comical if the worse happens... the first probably not].
-c
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Interesting + Uplifting
I was reading some of Eric's book today "Outliers" by Malcolm Gladwell and parts of the reading caught my attention [this will be some good news for other archies]. A couple chapters of the book are titled "The Trouble with Geniuses" and they discuss how having a high IQ doesn't necessarily correlate to being a genius. I have always wondered about this concept because I knew a lot of very intelligent people in my high school, but at the same time realized how diverse my understanding of "intelligence" was. There were the people in my high school who were text-book smart and in any subject where they could memorize answers they excelled and were definitely put on a pedestal for their skills. I also knew some people who were analytically smart and could decifer things that weren't on the surface of a topic or subject matter [I always thought these people were some of the smartest]. Then, there were people who for some reason did "OK" in classes and scored extremely high on their SAT's... I didn't understand it at the time as those people being necessarily geniues [for some I actually thought genius was a far-fetched word to describe them], but I guess in their own right - their minds were intelligently working in that one specific direction.
This summer I got to work with some people who didn't even go to college and instead were working remedial jobs - but the things they said were more intelligent than the things I would overhear some of my friends saying in high school. There were other people I knew like this growing up - and I guess I would refer to them as having some sense of "street-smarts" and a logic derived more from experiences than from books [this is the other "type" of person I find more closely related to a "genius"]. These people - from merely living have developed ways of thinking to grow and adapt to their environment and their experiences - and this is where Gladwell's book takes off. He examines peoples' backgrounds and shows how many people share similar life-stories based on how they grew up. I guess this is a bunch of somewhat-interesting rambing though considering what caught the most of my attention.
In part of the book - he says to list as many things as you can to describe the next two words:
1- a brick
2- a blanket
He then shows the responses of a couple students and delineates how the genius of answers to such open-ended questions can bring out the "genius" of a working brain. It also shows how people with similar, high IQ scores can differ when it comes to creativity. I think architecture school searches a lot for this kind of rarity in our projects - to find not the "book-smart" genius... or necessarily the "analytical" genius, but more of the person who can adapt and explore according to what is being asked - kind of like the creative people I met working over the summer [who I really didn't get into talking about... but maybe you have an idea in your head which will work just fine]. I guess this is somewhat of a caveat for me because I think a lot of times in high school I fell into the "book-smart" category and ever since architecture school I have been trying to unlearn my way of learning to try and make myself more like a true architectural-thinker. It's proven to be a difficult process and I continue to be more and more frustrated over it, but maybe finding more readings like this will inspire me and lead me to a new direction of how to think about my own thinking. haha - okay this has probably gotten really confusing by now because I'm only paying about 1/3 attention to writing this - I'm watching a psychology tv show I found off Gladwell's website and also watching another dumb mtv show. Soooo maybe this inspires other people, too? I hope so and I'll try paying more atttention to what I'm writing in the future [even though it's not usually in my capacity to concentrate on one thing at a time].
-c
This summer I got to work with some people who didn't even go to college and instead were working remedial jobs - but the things they said were more intelligent than the things I would overhear some of my friends saying in high school. There were other people I knew like this growing up - and I guess I would refer to them as having some sense of "street-smarts" and a logic derived more from experiences than from books [this is the other "type" of person I find more closely related to a "genius"]. These people - from merely living have developed ways of thinking to grow and adapt to their environment and their experiences - and this is where Gladwell's book takes off. He examines peoples' backgrounds and shows how many people share similar life-stories based on how they grew up. I guess this is a bunch of somewhat-interesting rambing though considering what caught the most of my attention.
In part of the book - he says to list as many things as you can to describe the next two words:
1- a brick
2- a blanket
He then shows the responses of a couple students and delineates how the genius of answers to such open-ended questions can bring out the "genius" of a working brain. It also shows how people with similar, high IQ scores can differ when it comes to creativity. I think architecture school searches a lot for this kind of rarity in our projects - to find not the "book-smart" genius... or necessarily the "analytical" genius, but more of the person who can adapt and explore according to what is being asked - kind of like the creative people I met working over the summer [who I really didn't get into talking about... but maybe you have an idea in your head which will work just fine]. I guess this is somewhat of a caveat for me because I think a lot of times in high school I fell into the "book-smart" category and ever since architecture school I have been trying to unlearn my way of learning to try and make myself more like a true architectural-thinker. It's proven to be a difficult process and I continue to be more and more frustrated over it, but maybe finding more readings like this will inspire me and lead me to a new direction of how to think about my own thinking. haha - okay this has probably gotten really confusing by now because I'm only paying about 1/3 attention to writing this - I'm watching a psychology tv show I found off Gladwell's website and also watching another dumb mtv show. Soooo maybe this inspires other people, too? I hope so and I'll try paying more atttention to what I'm writing in the future [even though it's not usually in my capacity to concentrate on one thing at a time].
-c
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Some Goals for the Semester
With the new semester approaching I thought it would be good to quickly put down some "goals" I might want to try and achieve - maybe this will really put me on the spot for being a better person/ student this semester for once.
- try to balance my time between studio and other classes better
- not get as frustrated with projects
- let myself have fun on the weekends
- go to the gym more so I feel better
- & eat healthier
- participate in a club to do something different with my time
- don't let people and their competitiveness get to me as much
- be happy and confident in the ideas I come up with
- don't get hurt by comments I find to be condescending b/c its not worth it
- try as hard as I can and don't get down on myself so much when things don't turn out as well as I would have hoped
p.s. also - try to look a little better [as per a conversation I'm having about hair! haha]
Well - this is just a rough list of some things I would like to improve upon... hopefully the semester can be a little bit more laid-back then the last couple have been. It's probably just the feeling of going back to the old grind and the same-old again and again in Troy. It seems like theres never any new/fresh hope coming from my professors - I would really just like to be encouraged and see a project go well, then maybe I could gain a little bit of confidence in myself rather than losing it more and more each semester. Also, taking some electives this semester might be just the escape I need. Especially being in Philosophy with Eric will be a lot of fun haha - looking forward to some good debates. I am also in a Writing class - as my second elective - and I'm happy to be in this class because I miss English from high school. I always thought I wasn't good enough at it because a good friend of mine - Anna - had basically claimed it as her "thing". Which it really was because she was good at all aspects of it. I liked the class a lot, too, but felt like I could never be good at it because she was always getting ahead in class and impressing the teachers - but maybe having this chance at RPI will bring me back to feeling proud of myself again. Who knows? I just hope this semster is fun and refreshing!
- c
- try to balance my time between studio and other classes better
- not get as frustrated with projects
- let myself have fun on the weekends
- go to the gym more so I feel better
- & eat healthier
- participate in a club to do something different with my time
- don't let people and their competitiveness get to me as much
- be happy and confident in the ideas I come up with
- don't get hurt by comments I find to be condescending b/c its not worth it
- try as hard as I can and don't get down on myself so much when things don't turn out as well as I would have hoped
p.s. also - try to look a little better [as per a conversation I'm having about hair! haha]
Well - this is just a rough list of some things I would like to improve upon... hopefully the semester can be a little bit more laid-back then the last couple have been. It's probably just the feeling of going back to the old grind and the same-old again and again in Troy. It seems like theres never any new/fresh hope coming from my professors - I would really just like to be encouraged and see a project go well, then maybe I could gain a little bit of confidence in myself rather than losing it more and more each semester. Also, taking some electives this semester might be just the escape I need. Especially being in Philosophy with Eric will be a lot of fun haha - looking forward to some good debates. I am also in a Writing class - as my second elective - and I'm happy to be in this class because I miss English from high school. I always thought I wasn't good enough at it because a good friend of mine - Anna - had basically claimed it as her "thing". Which it really was because she was good at all aspects of it. I liked the class a lot, too, but felt like I could never be good at it because she was always getting ahead in class and impressing the teachers - but maybe having this chance at RPI will bring me back to feeling proud of myself again. Who knows? I just hope this semster is fun and refreshing!
- c
Frustration
I will probably regret writing this at some point, but then again bad things will always come up again and I'll feel all the same feelings as always. I'm not sure how many people really grasp how much my mom and I don't get along. Ever since I was little she and I have had problems. I remember getting into an argument with her when I was really young maybe twelve or so and writing her a letter to try and fix things because we could not communicate about anything without yelling. Needless to say she ripped the letter apart and never read it... completely dismissing any contact from me to her. I think that event began my disbelief in her.
Besides the double-standard she holds for me and my sister my mom always seem to blame me for things she should be taking responsibility for. For instance, just today it was brought up how we haven't seen one of my grandmas over the winter break. I asked why we hadn't seen her yet - just to make sure everything was okay because to get any sort of family information out of my parents is like breaking into top secret cia files... but anyway - my mom puts the blame on me by saying "its because not all of us have been home on the weekends this break" - this is hurtful on sooo many ways because first it's a passive-agressive way of putting the blame on me (not saying my name, but everyone knows I'm the only person who's been away lately) and second because I always ask before I leave if "we"/ they plan on doing anything on the weekend - with the intention that if something were coming up I would stay around. So, I don't take the blame for my whole family not seeing my grandma this break - that is complete bull shit (we never get to see our grandmas or other relatives and its always because my mom and dad don't take any initiative to leave this freaking house - we miss summers of fun with family because they don't feel like leaving their own little bubble). So - my anger is pretty much at a height now. There are numerous other times and instances I could write about her being unfair and brutal but no one would ever know and probably hardly believe me because she transforms into this angel/nice lady whenever anyone outside of the family is around.
I just can't express to you how frustrating it feels to have a mother whose only of expressing anything seeming like "love" towards me is through monetary things. She always thinks I'm not being grateful of her when I don't want the fifth pair of "ugg" boots shes offering to me, but really boots and clothes and the things she finds really captivating in life - aren't at all what I'm looking for. I'm really just looking for a little bit of respect from her - maybe a conversation that doesn't turn into an argument where I'm getting blamed for things, or some common decency like a "hello" when I'm around or saying "goodbye" when I leave. I dunno - I'm sure my situation is a lot better than some - but the constant verbal abuse I get from her yelling and blaming me for things sure takes a toll on me.
- c
Besides the double-standard she holds for me and my sister my mom always seem to blame me for things she should be taking responsibility for. For instance, just today it was brought up how we haven't seen one of my grandmas over the winter break. I asked why we hadn't seen her yet - just to make sure everything was okay because to get any sort of family information out of my parents is like breaking into top secret cia files... but anyway - my mom puts the blame on me by saying "its because not all of us have been home on the weekends this break" - this is hurtful on sooo many ways because first it's a passive-agressive way of putting the blame on me (not saying my name, but everyone knows I'm the only person who's been away lately) and second because I always ask before I leave if "we"/ they plan on doing anything on the weekend - with the intention that if something were coming up I would stay around. So, I don't take the blame for my whole family not seeing my grandma this break - that is complete bull shit (we never get to see our grandmas or other relatives and its always because my mom and dad don't take any initiative to leave this freaking house - we miss summers of fun with family because they don't feel like leaving their own little bubble). So - my anger is pretty much at a height now. There are numerous other times and instances I could write about her being unfair and brutal but no one would ever know and probably hardly believe me because she transforms into this angel/nice lady whenever anyone outside of the family is around.
I just can't express to you how frustrating it feels to have a mother whose only of expressing anything seeming like "love" towards me is through monetary things. She always thinks I'm not being grateful of her when I don't want the fifth pair of "ugg" boots shes offering to me, but really boots and clothes and the things she finds really captivating in life - aren't at all what I'm looking for. I'm really just looking for a little bit of respect from her - maybe a conversation that doesn't turn into an argument where I'm getting blamed for things, or some common decency like a "hello" when I'm around or saying "goodbye" when I leave. I dunno - I'm sure my situation is a lot better than some - but the constant verbal abuse I get from her yelling and blaming me for things sure takes a toll on me.
- c
11th + 16th
Sooo today was very exciting for a few reasons: A) it's mine and Eric's 11-month anniversary! [yea yea yea cheesey I know... but that's a loooong tiimee] 2) I saw my new apartment in Troy [it's on 16th street] and it looks sweet! <> c) went to the art store and got a brush-holder for my watercolor brushiies [also cheesey, but break's been boring so this = excitement!!!]
First, I can't believe how long it's been for me and E... especially since I always feel guilty that I spent about half of our relationship across the ocean from him. To think its been a whole year since he and I were just starting to date is so strange - I feel like I've grown and changed a lot since then. Second year I was such a lost and sad puppy... Rome was frustrating and lonesome... but now I'm back - older, hopefully smarter, and on stable ground again? I'll be back with friends, have the choice of my fate for the semester [ in a vertical studio ] and Eric will be here as my escape from the crazy archie life.
This new place is exciting - only three people living there will probably be a little less hectic than dorm life, the Skank, and the somewhat-cramped place in Rome... not to say that the Skank was bad, but here I get my own room so I won't feel like I'm barging in on someone's life by coming and going around 3-5am. Also, we have a really sweet balcony. I wish I was at this place during the fall semester because it would have been the best place to sit outside and do work or just chill.
First, I can't believe how long it's been for me and E... especially since I always feel guilty that I spent about half of our relationship across the ocean from him. To think its been a whole year since he and I were just starting to date is so strange - I feel like I've grown and changed a lot since then. Second year I was such a lost and sad puppy... Rome was frustrating and lonesome... but now I'm back - older, hopefully smarter, and on stable ground again? I'll be back with friends, have the choice of my fate for the semester [ in a vertical studio ] and Eric will be here as my escape from the crazy archie life.
This new place is exciting - only three people living there will probably be a little less hectic than dorm life, the Skank, and the somewhat-cramped place in Rome... not to say that the Skank was bad, but here I get my own room so I won't feel like I'm barging in on someone's life by coming and going around 3-5am. Also, we have a really sweet balcony. I wish I was at this place during the fall semester because it would have been the best place to sit outside and do work or just chill.
Maybe there will be some "joy" in Troy! : ]
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
My Worst Trait :: Indecision
Wayyy back in high school my ap art teacher - the hilarious and good-natured Mr. Hanley probably told me the best piece of slightly sarcastic realism that I have heard in my life - that my worst trait, the thing that will bring me the most trouble in my life... is my indecision.
I couldn't agree with him more. I guess watching people work artistically brings a closer look into the real inner-workings of that person - maybe not the things they produce - but the way they work and the techniques they use - I think seeing these traits brings out the honest person behind the pen, computer, paintbrush etc.
So in this post I just wanted to quickly delineate the "things I have wanted to do with my life" since I was young... until now. This probably won't include all those late-night "what ifs..." but some of them were probably started from thoughts like that.
Littlest Christianna:
- a horse
- a vet
- a spy
High School Christianna:
- physicist
- radiologist
- chemistry teacher
- peace corps volunteer
Summer-after-Senior-Year Christianna:
- hs art teacher
- artist
- art store owner/framing
- architect
After-Saunders-Studio Christianna: [don't laugh]
- marine biologist
- illustrator
- wedding planner
- flower store owner
- book store owner
- geologist
- landscape architect
- chef
Okay... hope that was a joyful round of laughing for whoever read that... yes. Basically I wanted to do ANYTHING BESIDES architecture ... save a smallll incy-weency bit of hope [ aka "landscape architect" ] for the sad wallet I will have after RPI. Maybe after thinking about this progession I will come upon some grand scheme for the rest of my life! But as of right now... the thing I struggle with everyday is really wondering what the hell I'm going to do for a living. I feel like I try really hard at architecture, but I always seem to come up short... everyone else's projects are always soooo interesting and thought-provoking and I feel like mine begin by being interesting to me and somehow... somewhere along the way they sadly fall apart... piece by piece... until it's something no one really has interest in anymore and I get torn apart in the reviews. It's like being a sphinx - let me tell you - to have to come back and show your face after so much disappointment. And at least for me - it's not just hurting me right now - telling me right now I'm a dummy for being in this field of study... but it's more like a kick in the face to future-me... maybe telling me not being good in fun old architecture school will turn me into the grumpy "Angela" of my respected office... hmpf.
Help and/or advice at this time is greatly appreciated...
- c
I couldn't agree with him more. I guess watching people work artistically brings a closer look into the real inner-workings of that person - maybe not the things they produce - but the way they work and the techniques they use - I think seeing these traits brings out the honest person behind the pen, computer, paintbrush etc.
So in this post I just wanted to quickly delineate the "things I have wanted to do with my life" since I was young... until now. This probably won't include all those late-night "what ifs..." but some of them were probably started from thoughts like that.
Littlest Christianna:
- a horse
- a vet
- a spy
High School Christianna:
- physicist
- radiologist
- chemistry teacher
- peace corps volunteer
Summer-after-Senior-Year Christianna:
- hs art teacher
- artist
- art store owner/framing
- architect
After-Saunders-Studio Christianna: [don't laugh]
- marine biologist
- illustrator
- wedding planner
- flower store owner
- book store owner
- geologist
- landscape architect
- chef
Okay... hope that was a joyful round of laughing for whoever read that... yes. Basically I wanted to do ANYTHING BESIDES architecture ... save a smallll incy-weency bit of hope [ aka "landscape architect" ] for the sad wallet I will have after RPI. Maybe after thinking about this progession I will come upon some grand scheme for the rest of my life! But as of right now... the thing I struggle with everyday is really wondering what the hell I'm going to do for a living. I feel like I try really hard at architecture, but I always seem to come up short... everyone else's projects are always soooo interesting and thought-provoking and I feel like mine begin by being interesting to me and somehow... somewhere along the way they sadly fall apart... piece by piece... until it's something no one really has interest in anymore and I get torn apart in the reviews. It's like being a sphinx - let me tell you - to have to come back and show your face after so much disappointment. And at least for me - it's not just hurting me right now - telling me right now I'm a dummy for being in this field of study... but it's more like a kick in the face to future-me... maybe telling me not being good in fun old architecture school will turn me into the grumpy "Angela" of my respected office... hmpf.
Help and/or advice at this time is greatly appreciated...
- c
Five days til Troy (will probably feel like five mintues...)
So I'm still safely on the opposite side of the Hudson for now... in good ole Cohoes. Break went by really fast. Landing in Logan felt like it was literally a few days ago and I still wish I was just bumming around in Boston - that city really intrigues me. I love walking around all parts of that city. I never feel rushed or anxious, but more integrated despite the fact I don't live there.
Speaking of cities - visiting New York for the New Year was just as amazing! I didn't think I would want to spend the semester in NYC at the SOM office - but seeing the financial district and the mystery of Ground Zero - I became hooked. Granted ... it's easy for me to become affixated with things that I don't understand [like doubly-curving surfaces... aye carumba!] I just stare and think forever and then I can't sleep at night because I wonder and image and try to get myself involved with things that are beyond my imagination. I guess I'm closer to this way of thinking lately - being at home - and isolated from the world.... just because I don't have a car.... [suckssss - although I prefer places where I can walk or catch public trans-thanks Italy followed by Beantown...] - it really forces me to begin living inside my head.
Back to the city thoughts anyway... [p.s. this blog will be in a "rambling" format... probably not very structured or orderly... more like my scrambled thoughts and architecture designs... than the really interesting professional-type writing or architecture you might prefer to find]. So the thing about cities that I find pulling me in - are instances where places are kind of out of character. For instance - I was in Times Square on the 30th... so the day before new years eve anddd also mid-day on the 31st. It was so interesting to see the place beginning to swell with people. Maybe it's just that anticipation - thinking that maybe everyone will rush in during the next five mintues and we will all be consumed by the festivities. Another time was walking through a park near Coker and Marissa's apartment - one with lights in the pavement [ Marissa's favorite park ]. We were walking through there late at night/early in the morning when no one was around. It was an experience for me to see how barren and isolated of a place it becomes. Not to mention its amazing to be some of the few people in a big open space in a city with these towering buildings around you - its like being in an abandoned sculpture garden.
Italy taught me to appreciate wandering. Its fun walking around and thinking/not thinking - that doesn't really matter when you're wandering. It's being able to see and experience different places that makes me feel like I have accomplished something by the end of the day. I hate sitting at home, being contained in this place feels contaminating - like I'm making myself sick being here. I dispise it a ton. Maybe it's that I don't like my mom's "style"... more likely that I just don't appreciate the double standard she has - favoring my sister all the time and my sister just feeding into it and taking things out on me - the scapegoat feeling never goes away and it really hurts. I think that's part of the reason I can be so held-back from people - I always assume they don't want me around or that they will chastise me - like what happens to me at home. But enough of the sad confessions. This post is getting disgustingly lengthy, too... in the future I'll challenge myself to write a little less.
- c
Speaking of cities - visiting New York for the New Year was just as amazing! I didn't think I would want to spend the semester in NYC at the SOM office - but seeing the financial district and the mystery of Ground Zero - I became hooked. Granted ... it's easy for me to become affixated with things that I don't understand [like doubly-curving surfaces... aye carumba!] I just stare and think forever and then I can't sleep at night because I wonder and image and try to get myself involved with things that are beyond my imagination. I guess I'm closer to this way of thinking lately - being at home - and isolated from the world.... just because I don't have a car.... [suckssss - although I prefer places where I can walk or catch public trans-thanks Italy followed by Beantown...] - it really forces me to begin living inside my head. 
- c
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