It's a three day weekend, and I'm still sitting in my apartment at half past noon. I should be out shopping, traveling, doing SOMETHING, but I have no motivation anymore. During DD I would be so fed-up, so frustrated and overwhelmed that it was easy to come up with a reason, or ways of escaping, but now that there's not much pressure, or much of anything going on... I find it hard to stay focused. I should be scared out of my mind for the studio midterm on Thursday, but I think this feeling of being ahead in the class is also making me even less motivated to do anything at all. I can just see what will happen though - that being those students who fear they are behind will overcompensate and do a tonn of work, and I'll be working steadily... and slowly to hardly any avail and will probably end up ruining my great idea because of the little amount of work I will have put forth. But this seems to be the case for everyone else in my grade... which is kind of sad and disappointing for each of us to see in each other, and also sad for DBell to have to deal with on a daily basis... I don't think he has much hope for us as a group. I really wish I could just sit down in studio, make and test a few rhino models, maybe make another small physical model... something little that would reveal to me the true nature of my project, but every attempt I make is a huge failure.
Sitting in studio now without the urgency that was all-encompassing in DD, it's hard to find a focus, or any reason to figure something out. DBell is also so laid-back it's hard to find something to work towards. I'd say at this point, too, everyone I know is tired of architecture. For the most part, we are all looking for our out, while reconciling with the fact that we have to get through this for another year before we graduate. I don't know if I'm still concerned with the deep questions in architecture, do I have a need to solve some big architectural issue? My motivation is so low at this point... I don't know if it's just one of those "signs of the times" things, or if it's that I've truly lost interest in this subject. I wouldn't be surprised either way.
So, of course it's back to the topic of grad school... what am I going to do? Even though I've lost a lot of interest in architecture, I still like being in school... work is by far more depressing and frustrating than going to class. But what kind of work do I want to do? I think I realized architecture wasn't for me a long time ago, but sitting in the firm... especially in those "learning seminars" when everyone is arguing about LEED points, and what is meant by them... THAT was when I knew this was not what I want to do with my life. I don't want to sit and discuss issues like those everyday, about a stupid system that is so flawed any seemingly "intelligent" conversation about it - in my opinion - is garbage. Ahh, and GRE's - what should I do about those? If I choose to go back into the design world I will most likely not be required to take the test... but if I do want to go into the humanities, or something not design-related I should try to get the highest score I possibly can... I mean it's tempting to just not take the test and be "stuck" going into something like fashion [which truly is on my mind as an option, even if it's marketing or management of fashion/ art] - but there's a snag already, if I want to be a museum curator I will definitely need to take the GRE's... it's a competitive field, but also one that values intelligence... hmm... maybe that could be a really viable option. Nothing really prepares us for decisions like these. I feel like when my parents and grandparents were younger it was infinitely more easy to choose a career. My grandparents knew it was off to school or into the factory, and even if they went to school... it was just to enter another factory. My parents grew up with less pressure than we have today, they weren't in a market with no jobs, a future only with the aid of your second-hand, a computer, they had so much more freedom growing up. Looking back I was tossed in too many directions, I was good at everything... making it hard to focus on my strengths.. I don't think I know what my strengths are, or if I have any anymore... maybe I'm just "okay" at everything now. Architecture has turned me into the average American college student, someone without a heart, a soul, or a brain. I think having direction helps someone exude intelligence. Someone who has a goal, a lofty, beautiful goal has something going for them. They aren't lost, swimming in an abyss of unknowing. I wish I still had life dreams like I used to. And maybe I used to have too many dreams, but now I have none... I would give anything just to have one, one great big dream to work towards...
- c
Sitting in studio now without the urgency that was all-encompassing in DD, it's hard to find a focus, or any reason to figure something out. DBell is also so laid-back it's hard to find something to work towards. I'd say at this point, too, everyone I know is tired of architecture. For the most part, we are all looking for our out, while reconciling with the fact that we have to get through this for another year before we graduate. I don't know if I'm still concerned with the deep questions in architecture, do I have a need to solve some big architectural issue? My motivation is so low at this point... I don't know if it's just one of those "signs of the times" things, or if it's that I've truly lost interest in this subject. I wouldn't be surprised either way.
So, of course it's back to the topic of grad school... what am I going to do? Even though I've lost a lot of interest in architecture, I still like being in school... work is by far more depressing and frustrating than going to class. But what kind of work do I want to do? I think I realized architecture wasn't for me a long time ago, but sitting in the firm... especially in those "learning seminars" when everyone is arguing about LEED points, and what is meant by them... THAT was when I knew this was not what I want to do with my life. I don't want to sit and discuss issues like those everyday, about a stupid system that is so flawed any seemingly "intelligent" conversation about it - in my opinion - is garbage. Ahh, and GRE's - what should I do about those? If I choose to go back into the design world I will most likely not be required to take the test... but if I do want to go into the humanities, or something not design-related I should try to get the highest score I possibly can... I mean it's tempting to just not take the test and be "stuck" going into something like fashion [which truly is on my mind as an option, even if it's marketing or management of fashion/ art] - but there's a snag already, if I want to be a museum curator I will definitely need to take the GRE's... it's a competitive field, but also one that values intelligence... hmm... maybe that could be a really viable option. Nothing really prepares us for decisions like these. I feel like when my parents and grandparents were younger it was infinitely more easy to choose a career. My grandparents knew it was off to school or into the factory, and even if they went to school... it was just to enter another factory. My parents grew up with less pressure than we have today, they weren't in a market with no jobs, a future only with the aid of your second-hand, a computer, they had so much more freedom growing up. Looking back I was tossed in too many directions, I was good at everything... making it hard to focus on my strengths.. I don't think I know what my strengths are, or if I have any anymore... maybe I'm just "okay" at everything now. Architecture has turned me into the average American college student, someone without a heart, a soul, or a brain. I think having direction helps someone exude intelligence. Someone who has a goal, a lofty, beautiful goal has something going for them. They aren't lost, swimming in an abyss of unknowing. I wish I still had life dreams like I used to. And maybe I used to have too many dreams, but now I have none... I would give anything just to have one, one great big dream to work towards...
- c
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