And probably what i should already know. I mean you can tell me over and over again that it doesn't matter what i choose to do with my life "it will all work out" but i won't ever believe you. I am coming to realize though that no matter what I'm destined to begin my life out of college with huuuuge loans, a job paying around $30,000 a year, and uncertainity as to my location. All of these things frighten me, but it's what we are all going through. I guess it does just come down to me finding something to do that will truly make me happy. I'm not a competitive person, i'm very intellectual, i love to read, i love to write, i love learning about architecture, i love hand draftig, occassionally i love building models, i rarely enjoy making diagrams and i kind of suck in the computer graphics department.
Hmm... what else? i love learning/reading about buddhism, i love architectural philosophy even though i believe it's counteractive for the profession itself, i am curious about acoustics and neuroscience, i love coffee [good for any profession really], i love being a TA [even though i really sucked this past semester - sorry guys, oatman studio = stress to the maxxxx, definitely an embarassing experience but who cares? none of us were awake anyway], i love taking random classes aside from my main area of study [like suny photography, writing, art classes in high school - probably a good indicator that i will need TIME in my life to explore things outside of my career... aka i WILL NOT be forced to stay in a studio around the clock because i will dieee], i like getting along with the people i'm working with and having honest relationships in the workplace - this is actually verryyyy important to me and is somewhat a reason for why i am depressed about RPIand probably architecture in general being a damn stupid freshman i guess it was my fault [& other peoples as well... fuck people who cant grow up and get beyond things], i cant be in the same place all the time especially where i live - i will alwaysss find ways to not go back to the place i should call 'home' probably stemming from my home life/problems i've had for many yearssss butttt i still want time and the freedom to return to this place on occassion [i missed it soooo much and regret it soooo much not returning and hanging out at the Skank more when i had the chance... goddamn architecture second year....fuck], during the semesters i miss having the freedom to read, i miss horseback riding, i miss distance running and hurdles, i like working hard and being on somewhat of a tight schedule it makes me feel accomplished and also fosters my athleticism [but nooot when i'm being worked over the limit then i retreat and i don't dooo anything.... aka my ever-threatening deer-in-the-headlights syndrome], i like being in a relationship its just something about me feeling secure anddd its especially important to me now that i've found a great one and i don't want anything to get in the way of that not even architecture, alsooo i value my friendships and i hate sacrificing them for my relationship or for my "studies" sooo conflicts have come about anddd this is probably one of my biggest crossroads.
Sooo today i was researching job markets, salaries, how to pay off student loans, masters programs, phD degrees - values, processes, age/life timing.... and ahhh sooo many possibilitesssss nooot good for someone with a severe problem in the decision-making arena. I guess that's when i began to realize it DOESNT MATTER i can graduate in architecture, philosophy, "basketweaving" <--- that's my favorite from my mom telling me she doesnt care what i graduate with in undergrad because it doesnt matter.... it just matters that i enjoy myself, learn something, graduate, make friends and connections, have some form of hope for my future... if i can accomplish these few things i think i will have had a successful go at my undergraduate studies. In my research as mentioned above i also looked into teaching outlooks for the post-secondary level... which i think is something that i am seriously interested in i loooove TA'ing and being able to help people out [props to dBell lol] and reflecting on everything i have learned in my past... i fear in architecture that career track to becoming an archie professor these days means i have to become someone like Jefferson [have my own business, teach on the side, get my licesnce quick, not have a family or steady relationship, travel and never have a home.... sooo much insecurity all for what? money? fame?] and who of my archie professors is truly happy? they all seem very detached from their loved ones, from any form of 'normal' or steady life... true they are professors at a high-ranking private university in the northeast, and that's not something i would necessarily expect of myself, but even so ahhh soo frightening because i DONT want to be anything like that.
Ah... so back to what i was researching again... working for a community college as a professor.... pay sort of sucks, no fame or prestige, but also no burning out in my 30s/40s, happiness/rewarding like my time TA'ing, flexibility as to location [there are tons of community colleges and they aren't the most sought-after jobs by academics], working with probably funny and interesting students, maybe not as much competition with my collegues - we won't be trying to outpublish each other or outsmart each other, summer's off, possible tenure within 10 years!!! Ahhh seemssss perfectooo to mee....
now all i really have to decide iss whether to continue in the realm of self torture in architecture to reap the benefits of some sort of teaching in this field? Orr change as i have been considering... take this great big leap of faith, "live with no regrets" as i keep being told, leave the daily [and nightly] companionship of all people who i really love to be around and learn with, leave a field that somewhere deep down i love, but on a daily basis interacting with it/ the attitudes of the people in it... i absolutely hate
to
attempt a field/ jump into a field i have little background in, but some connections to [physics majors love philosophy! ahhhh the strange connections life makes twisting and tangling back in and upon itself], be ready to meet new people who have been doing this stuff for two, three, even one year who are more knowledgable than me, try to not be sad about leaving my friends in architecture even though this is the biggest obstacle, also leaving behind the rigor of architecture, and the spatial-thinking, 3d thinking [that i think is really beneficial and everyone should learn of it], "follow my heart" , learn this field intensely and graduate within 2 to 3 semesters with a thesis and/or final project, not have the possiblility to change back again and expect to be on the same level as everyone, not to be with everyone anymore [even though we won't all ever really be together again in architecture... i mean maybe for DD but that probably wont be thattt enjoyable... even TK said he only went out 3 times when he was in it and he alwayssss goes out lol], finding happiness and balance in my life, returning to my childhood ways of reading and thinking and questioning, gaining experience and a "story" about my struggles in undergrad, having time to live healthy, sustain a relationship, friendships, maybe not feel as competitive/fake/cutthroat/visually-pretty-graphic-design=architecture/lost/whereisthisfieldreallyfocused?/doubtful/frustrated.... okay you get the picture....
confliiicttt, as always this is what i get myself back to again and again... i mean i've made some headway... i kind of know what i would like to do with myself out of school..... but now with what degreeee???
falling horse drawing... pretty amazing
-c
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