the News

Yesterday I had my meeting to discuss the 'career aptitude test' I took andddd lo and behold... I have an interest in EVERYTHING. Okay, seriously.... whooo gets a score like this?!?!?! The guidance counselor began talking about it, telling me I would have probably fit-in alot better in a more humanities/ liberal arts setting but of course - it's too late to change to that. He was there telling me how 'the Rensselaer student' normally has a very narrow range of interests and is extremely long-term minded, but mee on the other hand.... I'm really open-minded, fickle, and indecisive.... yup, awesome qualities. Of course in addition to my bad 'Rensselaer student' qualities I had to take a psychology-type exam as a common measure for anyone who comes into the office anndddd.... great.... I show signs of anxiety and depression. Hmmm.... this summer is just turning out to be the best yet! ha. Okay, really... I mean I knew I felt depressed during the semester but if I'm showing signs now, too... that's really not good. Ahhhh and the nature of counesling... to make youuu come up with an answer yourself...... sooo yea no answer from the guy I thought would help me determine my future - very disappointing to say the least.

And I keep going back to the same old questions - in regards to what to choose. I'm afraid of leaving everyone in architecture.... as the counselor put it - it's basically like being in a 5-year-long initiation into a frat or sorority.... and it's constant humiliation.... but when you're out, you know you've completed it with the people you started with. I'm afraid of not having people to hang out with and that everyone in arch will just kind of forget about me... I mean it's kind of already happened, everyone's sort of gone on in their own ways... but I'm sure 5th year would be a blast. On the other hand... my career apt test showed that I have very high interests in artistic and investigative regions [those where the top two, but all of the others were of 'high' interest lol]... sooo if I changed to Philosophy with a minor in Arch Acoustics it would provide me with the balance and mixture of interests that I really enjoy... and from there I could make a decision for my Masters studies... either going on with phil.... acoustics.... back to arch? something entirely different? In this case, I would have to be comfortable diving into something new, with new people, new thinking, and a new sort of schedule.... basically man up and just learn to be myself. I feel like I keep just trying to reason with it all, but really I need to just make a decision... it's like the summer is one long shopping trip for me - where I can never choose what I want to buy and just go back and forth in the same store for an hour putting off the choice... yea... awesome a summer full of that kind of stupid feeling. But I'm sure that even if I made one choice now... it would probably change next week and then change back again a few weeks later... it's just this stupid way I operate and I can't break the cycle. The guidance man said my indecision probably comes from the low self-esteem and depression I have - that I don't have any confidence in myself... but ahhhh I don't know how to changeeee thattttt.

-c