But, that's sort of besides the point.... so in high school my elders, the 'scholars' had more faith in me, but my relationships fell to the wayside and now in college my relationships are pretty good, but I can't find really anyone in my major who thinks I'm good at this stuff. I mean going to Rome was a good, uplifting sign, but it's also a very contrived process - trying to match up people 'who will get along'... and at the same time even right after the results were posted different students were rising and others - like me - were falling withing the 'good architecture student' metre.
So, today in my car as I'm driving back from a disappointing "not hiring" from Dunkin Doughnuts [yup...] and then I went and bought myself a Starbucks [hahahaaa] I was thinking about how 'if' I am to go into DD, I'm just going to have to accept my humility. I'm not that good at graphics, I don't like doing trivial 'plan' configurations, and usually I like choosing something very abnormal and abstract and working from it as inspiration, rather than taking something very literal and transforming it.... literally into something else. I am good at wall sections - lol as everyone in my classes probably knows - that's really my 'calling' I will draw and think-up wall sections for the rest of my life and I will be a happy camper. Sooo James can layout the thing and I'll design the walls - great! Hmm.. I have to be good at some other things, too.... I mean I used to be good at graphics. I remember for the Four Houses Design Comp I got alot of positive feedback for both my designs and the colors/boards that I had [my models really sucked].... and THAT'S something I wish I was good at [maybe I should practice]...
I really wish I was good at making models. I mean in a paired or group setting there [typically] should be more time for each person to focus on doing things they enjoy and while I'm not good at model-making as of yet, I really do enjoy it a lot. For me, it just comes down to the fact that I don't have set design in time enough to make a model, and when it comes to putting it all together I freak out and it turns out horrible.
Which is something I'm scared of again... the whole Design Charrette thing ruined my soul for weeks. I ran out of that place sooo fast and went home crying myself to sleep. It was sooo stressful being in a group with Kyle and Elliot and Jefferson and Riebe. I mean first of all Riebe was the professor freshman year to come up to me and get angry that I hadn't had a personal discussion about my project with him... [i didn't even know the guy! and it was my first semester!... no other professor asked to be spoken to personally]. Then of course, there's the whole stupid Kyle situation that I thought had passed... butttt it's just scary working with such a perfectionist that deep down I knew nothinggg that I did would be 'good enough'. Elliot really went against my expectations - he was a good leader and really positive with me even though I was shaking in my boots the whole time. And Jefferson... kind of like Kyle.... I was just scared of him the whole time. Always knowing that he wouldn't think my work was good enough - that it wasn't up to his standards. So arrrghhh, just thinking about this whole situation makes me scared of architecture again. I mean if I have a colleague and a professor who don't believe in me at little old RPI... how many people in the real-world will find my work horrifying? - not to mention Gustavo also didn't really like me, and when I thought Oatman could be at least a confidant that fell through, too... and I'm never really sure about DBell, except now I know he's disappointed in me after the conversation I had at the end of last semester - ahhh! My mom is always harassing me about 'networking' and having good mentors in college and I can't find ANY!
Okay, well this wasn't supposed to become a rant. It was actually supposed to be about me thinking that since Eric is going to have a great life and a great professional career, I should at least try to attain that for myself. And to me, that seems like it would mean staying in architecture school and just trying to get a place at a firm and become a professional person afterward. [?] So, yes, that is what I was thinking about in the car... the need for me to try to be an amazing person-student like Eric so I won't look like a drowning rat all the time when it comes to jobs and careers. Ugh.... I don't think any of this thinking is congruent with any of the 217 pages of Buddha reading I've done the past couple days...
buddha mural.
-c
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