summer wishes, again

Some more stuffs I still want to do this summer:

1- go shopping in boston
2- [still need to] get to martha's vineyard
3- a photography project
4- start working out more
5- start writing again
6- [make a decision....]
7- complete a 'project' of some sort, like baking a cake or something
8- draw more, practice model-making


-c

p.s. in references to my previous list of summer stuff to do: i'm doing great on the 'watch top gear' front, and completely shying away from any 'portfolio, archi project' work.... also 'build a website' isn't really up there either.... 'visit WSDG' is good - they've invited me to a couple lecturesss, but I haven't been able to make it down there which = baaad, andd 'read fun things' = very good I'm reading about 100 pages a day haha

fashion illustration

I think fashion illustration is cool! Probably a contriversial topic, but who cares?! These drawings make people's bodies look as if they are dancing... everything in these sketeches is so dynamic and full of life and I think that's truly a beautiful skill. I reall wish I were more fashionable/ better at fashion because I definitely wouldn't mind becoming a fashion illustrator... I guess seeing how much I like hand drafting something like fashion illustration would be a good option for me? [once again I could have probably saved a heck of a lot of money by deciding this earlier, but who cares? lol I'm learning this whole college thing isn't about learning your subject matter so much - it's about learning about yourself]. Sooo here are a billion awesome fashion illustrations I found!

-c

mid-week

Just got back from applying to the Pottery Place & I'm hoping for the best! Hopefully this will begin the job-fullness of my summer... although it will kind of suck because they want me for weekends, which may = .... ahh I can't even say it... I really don't want to sacrifice the 4th of July... last summer it was sooo much fun!!! [okay i won't sacrifice 4th of july... i'll just tell them i'm helping old people walk around the plaza or something... haha okay that's really bad and a total lie, but i won't give up going to the concert in hippie-town CT].

I'm also finding some little bit of comfort hearing some secrets of the good old school of architecture... mainly how there are a bunch of people that somehow don't know how to make plans and sections?!?! [haha and some of these people are probably pretty surprising, but that just makes it all the better] also, kind of comforting to know that not many people really like or use cad... because i definitely prefer my adobe suite to that stuff. I guess it's me being kind of self-righteous, which isn't a good thing, but in a time when I'm really uncertain of what to do next semester, i feel like it's a good time to evaluate where i really fit into everything. I mean this school is built of brown nosers.... i mean really i feel like anyone 'up' on the list of students has really groveled at some point in their career... and those who are really up there... haha it's not even groveling when it's to that level... it's just being pathetic. Looking back, I guess I did somehow have a good relationship with Saunders? I don't really know how... I mean I wasn't in his section and only talked to him about four times that semester [and usually just in passing], but I guess it was my still-hopeful/good attitude at the time that made a good impression on him. I was also trying to get through some - what was to me - difficult stuff like super curvy surfaces with workable voids & etc... sooo yea. I'm also starting to think... maybe if i focus on acoustics being my 'thing' i won't get quite as disappointed seeing people excel in stuff across the boards. I mean some people are great at graphics, others are good at sucking up/ voicing their 'knowledge' and then there could be me: good at wall sections and loves acoustics. I don't see anything wrong with that... in fact I feel like it's a pretty good combination for where i'm at. [it would only be remembering this security and such when i'm engrossed in next semester]

Okay, so this is me... once again trying to rationalize and reasonablize with my circumstances... something that i should be learning/have learned from The Geography of Thought is not a good way to come to decisions. I should probably be looking for 'the middle way' in these circumstances [based on the fields of thought i like to ahere to...] but i'm so inexperienced in this whole act of decision-making, i really don't know what to dooo! Ah, i'm so so sorry to whoever reads this... having to listen or read rather, day by day about me not being able to decide what to do with my life. PLEASE if you have any ideas or suggestions I am here and waiting to hear what people have to say about this whole architecture - philosophy/acoustics situation.

-c

oh, p.s.! i got an upgrade from grande to venti at starbucks today [they ran out of grande cups]! yayyaya! my lucky day!

... hahah yes, this is the sort of thing that makes the day of a poor jobless youth.

facebook loser

i am such a facebook looooooserrrr.... but i really want a jooooob! [i should probably try a little harder seeing as i dont wake up until 12 everydayyyy, but i know that if i had a job i'd wake up early!!!] - and pleaaaase board of elections have some new kind of vote or i hope that the machines malfunction so we can all get our glorious jobs backkk!!!

also, Eric's helpful ideas for me so far:

- file for unemployment
- work at FedEx [with mine & marissa's fav... Crystalllll]
- work at Common Ground [where he can drop me off in the morning] and then walk myself 'home' to his house, 20 bajillion miles away

and while these are all greaaaatt.... none of them are realll! but i really want a job! I mean c'mon?!?!?! not even dunkin is hiring?!?! what kind of economy is this, it's really just a joke to me now.

in other news: i got an awesome stamp today from Marissa [from China]... with which i proceeded to mark all of my favorite papers with and with which i plan to leave my mark upon numerous things throughout the Greene Building in the future. [hahaha]

also in other, other news: iiii hate the greene building - it is scary, uninviting, andddd full of scary people who are even more scary by being there this time of year anyways....

okay, other than thattttt i finished my buddha book yesterday sooo now i am bored.... hmm.... also wish i could make a decision about thingssss & that would make me feel better. okay, great, good talk.

-c

love love love

Love Shigeru!

And no surprise that I also love the Hungary Pavilion!....

 

[kind of a lot like one of mine & jenni's proposals last semester... haha]

-c

Summer Reading

It seems like last summer I had such an awesome time [okay, this totally goes against my last entry, commenting on Eric telling me not to compare so many things....], but last summer I had the most amazing time in Photography class, I had an amazing time at my job [board of elections with Donn, Aileen, Evan.... it was sooo much fun!] and I got to run all around CT and Marthas Vineyard and Boston with Eric! But this summer I can't even find myself engrossed in my books!?

Last summer I read Natalie Goldberg [my favorite author], the Emily Giffin series, a couple physics books, The Best Buddhist Writing 2008... I was so engaged by all of this reading! I was writing, photographing, [i even made a model for photography class - the house from UP!] and most imporantly - I was dreaming! I had actual hope and aspirations for my future... sure there wasn't a clear 'path' ahead of me, but I had some great love of moving forward, I was open to trying things out and seeing where they lead.

Now, on the other hand, I feel like all that's ahead of me is a conveluded, scribble path that appears so daunting as to make me not even want to attempt it! I'm trying to get into the best buddhist writing 2009... I'm even come across the 'green' chapters about the state of the world and yadda yadda - stuff I usually won't stand for - but I read and listened and it was probably the most honest writing I've found on the topic - extremely realistic and not end-of-everything like those writers and people usually are... but even so the reading hasn't inspired me to go out and do great things like last summer. I mean last summer I'd read a chapter and write like five pages in my sketchbook... [maybe it's this super conventional blog-setup I've got going on, even though I did buy a new sketchbook for the summer]... but ahhh I just feel lost.

Okay, anyway I wanted to write about what I want to read this summer... which includes: the Tibetan Book of the Dead, the koans, more Natalie Goldberg, Christian Norberg-Schulz, Tschumi, probably more buddha stuff? haha that's the main list of it though - I looked into more Edelmann stuff [from the neuroscience-consciousness book I started the summer with] but all of his writing seems to be very circular... he also kind of treats the reader as though we don't remember anything... and he makes up his own terms for things... and while none of these things on their own really ruin a reading for me, it just doesn't work when he uses his writing style... there's just something so detached and unemotional about it, but I guess that's what you'd expect from a scientist? [okay, sorry that was bad... I really don't believe all scientists are bad writers... I'm actually sure many of them are very good].

Ahh, okay that's all... two posts in the last hour [?]... is probably good enough for now.

crazy buddha tattoo.
-c

Need more Buddha

Eric Eric Boberic.... soo all of his teachings are just as golden as all of the buddha books I obsessively collect. He's always so carefree and wiiiiseee... I guess it's good that opposites attract. The reason I was thinking of this is just because I'm coming to realise how much of a useless human I am... but admist all my low-self-esteem trudging Eric will come through with something nice and uplifting to say. "You can't compare yourself to others", probably the most frequent saying I get directed my way - but it's still something I always need to hear. I mean I came out of high school 'happy' with myself? It was an odd paradox I guess.... in high school my relationships sucked - especially at the very end. I got involved with sucky, time-consuming boys and lost the comradery of my closest friends, buuuttt in the eyes of my teachers I was great! Ms. Herr wanted me to follow in her footsteps and go to Purdue for chem... just like her, have my own farm and teach hs chem... Ms. Skeals always had faith in me even though I wasn't set on writing/ English in the time of my life when I was in her classes, likewise Mrs. Dils also loved me in English class even though I was more interested in the sciences. Hey, even Mr. Hanley and Mr. Body-Builder Aubin believed in my artistic talents, but of course... me being me, I had to strive to try and do something I was more unfamiliar with, and more challeneged by.

But, that's sort of besides the point.... so in high school my elders, the 'scholars' had more faith in me, but my relationships fell to the wayside and now in college my relationships are pretty good, but I can't find really anyone in my major who thinks I'm good at this stuff. I mean going to Rome was a good, uplifting sign, but it's also a very contrived process - trying to match up people 'who will get along'... and at the same time even right after the results were posted different students were rising and others - like me - were falling withing the 'good architecture student' metre.

So, today in my car as I'm driving back from a disappointing "not hiring" from Dunkin Doughnuts [yup...] and then I went and bought myself a Starbucks [hahahaaa] I was thinking about how 'if' I am to go into DD, I'm just going to have to accept my humility. I'm not that good at graphics, I don't like doing trivial 'plan' configurations, and usually I like choosing something very abnormal and abstract and working from it as inspiration, rather than taking something very literal and transforming it.... literally into something else. I am good at wall sections - lol as everyone in my classes probably knows - that's really my 'calling' I will draw and think-up wall sections for the rest of my life and I will be a happy camper. Sooo James can layout the thing and I'll design the walls - great! Hmm.. I have to be good at some other things, too.... I mean I used to be good at graphics. I remember for the Four Houses Design Comp I got alot of positive feedback for both my designs and the colors/boards that I had [my models really sucked].... and THAT'S something I wish I was good at [maybe I should practice]...

I really wish I was good at making models. I mean in a paired or group setting there [typically] should be more time for each person to focus on doing things they enjoy and while I'm not good at model-making as of yet, I really do enjoy it a lot. For me, it just comes down to the fact that I don't have set design in time enough to make a model, and when it comes to putting it all together I freak out and it turns out horrible.

Which is something I'm scared of again... the whole Design Charrette thing ruined my soul for weeks. I ran out of that place sooo fast and went home crying myself to sleep. It was sooo stressful being in a group with Kyle and Elliot and Jefferson and Riebe. I mean first of all Riebe was the professor freshman year to come up to me and get angry that I hadn't had a personal discussion about my project with him... [i didn't even know the guy! and it was my first semester!... no other professor asked to be spoken to personally]. Then of course, there's the whole stupid Kyle situation that I thought had passed... butttt it's just scary working with such a perfectionist that deep down I knew nothinggg that I did would be 'good enough'. Elliot really went against my expectations - he was a good leader and really positive with me even though I was shaking in my boots the whole time. And Jefferson... kind of like Kyle.... I was just scared of him the whole time. Always knowing that he wouldn't think my work was good enough - that it wasn't up to his standards. So arrrghhh, just thinking about this whole situation makes me scared of architecture again. I mean if I have a colleague and a professor who don't believe in me at little old RPI... how many people in the real-world will find my work horrifying? - not to mention Gustavo also didn't really like me, and when I thought Oatman could be at least a confidant that fell through, too... and I'm never really sure about DBell, except now I know he's disappointed in me after the conversation I had at the end of last semester - ahhh! My mom is always harassing me about 'networking' and having good mentors in college and I can't find ANY!

Okay, well this wasn't supposed to become a rant. It was actually supposed to be about me thinking that since Eric is going to have a great life and a great professional career, I should at least try to attain that for myself. And to me, that seems like it would mean staying in architecture school and just trying to get a place at a firm and become a professional person afterward. [?] So, yes, that is what I was thinking about in the car... the need for me to try to be an amazing person-student like Eric so I won't look like a drowning rat all the time when it comes to jobs and careers. Ugh.... I don't think any of this thinking is congruent with any of the 217 pages of Buddha reading I've done the past couple days...

buddha mural.
-c

the News

Yesterday I had my meeting to discuss the 'career aptitude test' I took andddd lo and behold... I have an interest in EVERYTHING. Okay, seriously.... whooo gets a score like this?!?!?! The guidance counselor began talking about it, telling me I would have probably fit-in alot better in a more humanities/ liberal arts setting but of course - it's too late to change to that. He was there telling me how 'the Rensselaer student' normally has a very narrow range of interests and is extremely long-term minded, but mee on the other hand.... I'm really open-minded, fickle, and indecisive.... yup, awesome qualities. Of course in addition to my bad 'Rensselaer student' qualities I had to take a psychology-type exam as a common measure for anyone who comes into the office anndddd.... great.... I show signs of anxiety and depression. Hmmm.... this summer is just turning out to be the best yet! ha. Okay, really... I mean I knew I felt depressed during the semester but if I'm showing signs now, too... that's really not good. Ahhhh and the nature of counesling... to make youuu come up with an answer yourself...... sooo yea no answer from the guy I thought would help me determine my future - very disappointing to say the least.

And I keep going back to the same old questions - in regards to what to choose. I'm afraid of leaving everyone in architecture.... as the counselor put it - it's basically like being in a 5-year-long initiation into a frat or sorority.... and it's constant humiliation.... but when you're out, you know you've completed it with the people you started with. I'm afraid of not having people to hang out with and that everyone in arch will just kind of forget about me... I mean it's kind of already happened, everyone's sort of gone on in their own ways... but I'm sure 5th year would be a blast. On the other hand... my career apt test showed that I have very high interests in artistic and investigative regions [those where the top two, but all of the others were of 'high' interest lol]... sooo if I changed to Philosophy with a minor in Arch Acoustics it would provide me with the balance and mixture of interests that I really enjoy... and from there I could make a decision for my Masters studies... either going on with phil.... acoustics.... back to arch? something entirely different? In this case, I would have to be comfortable diving into something new, with new people, new thinking, and a new sort of schedule.... basically man up and just learn to be myself. I feel like I keep just trying to reason with it all, but really I need to just make a decision... it's like the summer is one long shopping trip for me - where I can never choose what I want to buy and just go back and forth in the same store for an hour putting off the choice... yea... awesome a summer full of that kind of stupid feeling. But I'm sure that even if I made one choice now... it would probably change next week and then change back again a few weeks later... it's just this stupid way I operate and I can't break the cycle. The guidance man said my indecision probably comes from the low self-esteem and depression I have - that I don't have any confidence in myself... but ahhhh I don't know how to changeeee thattttt.

-c

I'm not a Historian

I'm not a historian, but I do wonder about the comings-about of a lot of things. Take for instance: college. How did college come to be what it is today? Few people continue to study what they set out to get their bachlors in, I feel like a great number of people from RPI and similar places actually come to dispise their undergraduate degree and frantically go on to search for happiness elsewhere. Also, it seems like you can bend and manipulate any sort of degree to "fit" into almost any job you want to get... I guess that's the nature of going to college to prove you "know how to learn", so then why are colleges and programs so strict with curriculum? Shouldn't universities take up an extremely free-form style for students to pick and choose from a variety of classes, take/learn whatever they want on their whim? And if you're some haughty, uptight university ho-ha I really don't care about whatever structured answer you would care to give me about heirarchies and order and ways of society/ the categorization we obsess over here in America.

I mean personally, I see our generations wildness and breakouts of the norm as a desire for some sort of change from the structures that have been set up for us... sure, okay, some of us will grow up to become arguing republican sons of bitches stripping the planet of materials for wealth, fame, and blonde hair, but aside from those people who are carrying on in a linear fashion, I believe a number of us younger people are looking for some sort of freedom.

Yeaaa hippie timeess... lol. But in all seriousness, while we are all still in this growing stage, why not change the form of things? Maybe we don't have to be so conventional all of the time... universities don't have to be so structured... our culutre as a whole could be more freeform... could this maybe help us rely upon and relate to one another in better ways? I feel like the structured form of things creates unhealthy competition... you are in this "place" that you want to stay in forever and any form of change brought upon you is the wrath of hell.... why not embrace change and movement in life? I understand there needs to be specialization... everything would fall apart without people knowing how to do certain things very well, but I don't know... I think there can be a bit more space left open for exploration. Looking back on Italy, I can't get over just how much better the lifestyle is over there. How different a day is for people in different parts of the world! We in American literally break our backs everyday for a paycheck, even people like me - who don't really care so much about the cutthroat money, but more about the happiness and finding something to do with myself/ survive enough to get a coffee everyday - are working our bones dry and left to the night to break out, drink and live in an unreality of drunken bliss. The Italians on the other hand seem to know who they are. They work and learn during the day, of course not without about 3-5 cappuchino/ice cream breaks and chatting galore... then they finish with their studies or at their desks and it's home to see the family. Not home to cry over the horrible grey wall you sit behind everyday, not to cry about the stupid uninteresting things you've learned in school, not to sit and read and write and struggle over the things you are trying to learn and love... not any of these horrible situations... not for the Italians, because once their day is done, it's done. And then they begin to live. And I'm not just using the word "live" lightly either.... I mean really they live. They form and hold onto their relationships, they converse - the essential mark of being human, they share stories, sunlight, and time. I really wish we could change and stop worring about being "Ameriiicaaaa" and just be us.

-c

Thomas Merton quotes

from my Buddha book - Merton is mentioned by psychologist Jack Kornfield

"How does it happen that even today a couple of ordinary French stonemasons, or a carpenter and his apprentice, can put up a dovecote or a barn that has more architectural perfection than the piles of eclectic stupidity that grow up at the cost of hundreds of thousands of dollars on the campuses of American universities?"

“We are so obsessed with doing that we have no time and no imagination left for being. As a result, men are valued not for what they are but for what they do or what they have - for their usefulness.”


“If you want to study the social and political history of modern nations, study hell”



"Do not depend on the hope of results. You may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect. As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not on the results, but on the value, the rightness, the truth of the work itself. You gradually struggle less and less for an idea and more and more for specific people. In the end, it is the reality of personal relationship that saves everything."



"To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything, is to succumb to the violence of our times."

"You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope."




"A man knows when he has found his vocation when he stops thinking about how to live and begins to live."

"Discovering vocation does not mean scrambling toward some prize just beyond my reach but accepting the treasure of true self I already possess. Vocation does not come from a voice “out there” calling me to be something I am not."

Current Library

p.s. to what i am learning...

p.s. as you can probably see... i am not in "it" for the money. i'm here for security and happiness... i think i've chased the "glory" enough before in my past to have learned i'm here for my friendships and relationships and i'm tired as hell of competitions, proving myself, losing my self esteem, and feeling like a complete failure.

on that note here's the picture i'm completely obsessed with lately a little pup asleep in a martini glasss haha it's all over an form of internet real estate i have.... fun, sleep, and soft furs the best combination in this universe! haha

-c

What I'm learning...

And probably what i should already know. I mean you can tell me over and over again that it doesn't matter what i choose to do with my life "it will all work out" but i won't ever believe you. I am coming to realize though that no matter what I'm destined to begin my life out of college with huuuuge loans, a job paying around $30,000 a year, and uncertainity as to my location. All of these things frighten me, but it's what we are all going through. I guess it does just come down to me finding something to do that will truly make me happy. I'm not a competitive person, i'm very intellectual, i love to read, i love to write, i love learning about architecture, i love hand draftig, occassionally i love building models, i rarely enjoy making diagrams and i kind of suck in the computer graphics department.

Hmm... what else? i love learning/reading about buddhism, i love architectural philosophy even though i believe it's counteractive for the profession itself, i am curious about acoustics and neuroscience, i love coffee [good for any profession really], i love being a TA [even though i really sucked this past semester - sorry guys, oatman studio = stress to the maxxxx, definitely an embarassing experience but who cares? none of us were awake anyway], i love taking random classes aside from my main area of study [like suny photography, writing, art classes in high school - probably a good indicator that i will need TIME in my life to explore things outside of my career... aka i WILL NOT be forced to stay in a studio around the clock because i will dieee], i like getting along with the people i'm working with and having honest relationships in the workplace - this is actually verryyyy important to me and is somewhat a reason for why i am depressed about RPIand probably architecture in general being a damn stupid freshman i guess it was my fault [& other peoples as well... fuck people who cant grow up and get beyond things], i cant be in the same place all the time especially where i live - i will alwaysss find ways to not go back to the place i should call 'home' probably stemming from my home life/problems i've had for many yearssss butttt i still want time and the freedom to return to this place on occassion [i missed it soooo much and regret it soooo much not returning and hanging out at the Skank more when i had the chance... goddamn architecture second year....fuck], during the semesters i miss having the freedom to read, i miss horseback riding, i miss distance running and hurdles, i like working hard and being on somewhat of a tight schedule it makes me feel accomplished and also fosters my athleticism [but nooot when i'm being worked over the limit then i retreat and i don't dooo anything.... aka my ever-threatening deer-in-the-headlights syndrome], i like being in a relationship its just something about me feeling secure anddd its especially important to me now that i've found a great one and i don't want anything to get in the way of that not even architecture, alsooo i value my friendships and i hate sacrificing them for my relationship or for my "studies" sooo conflicts have come about anddd this is probably one of my biggest crossroads.

Sooo today i was researching job markets, salaries, how to pay off student loans, masters programs, phD degrees - values, processes, age/life timing.... and ahhh sooo many possibilitesssss nooot good for someone with a severe problem in the decision-making arena. I guess that's when i began to realize it DOESNT MATTER i can graduate in architecture, philosophy, "basketweaving" <--- that's my favorite from my mom telling me she doesnt care what i graduate with in undergrad because it doesnt matter.... it just matters that i enjoy myself, learn something, graduate, make friends and connections, have some form of hope for my future... if i can accomplish these few things i think i will have had a successful go at my undergraduate studies. In my research as mentioned above i also looked into teaching outlooks for the post-secondary level... which i think is something that i am seriously interested in i loooove TA'ing and being able to help people out [props to dBell lol] and reflecting on everything i have learned in my past... i fear in architecture that career track to becoming an archie professor these days means i have to become someone like Jefferson [have my own business, teach on the side, get my licesnce quick, not have a family or steady relationship, travel and never have a home.... sooo much insecurity all for what? money? fame?] and who of my archie professors is truly happy? they all seem very detached from their loved ones, from any form of 'normal' or steady life... true they are professors at a high-ranking private university in the northeast, and that's not something i would necessarily expect of myself, but even so ahhh soo frightening because i DONT want to be anything like that.

Ah... so back to what i was researching again... working for a community college as a professor.... pay sort of sucks, no fame or prestige, but also no burning out in my 30s/40s, happiness/rewarding like my time TA'ing, flexibility as to location [there are tons of community colleges and they aren't the most sought-after jobs by academics], working with probably funny and interesting students, maybe not as much competition with my collegues - we won't be trying to outpublish each other or outsmart each other, summer's off, possible tenure within 10 years!!! Ahhh seemssss perfectooo to mee....

now all i really have to decide iss whether to continue in the realm of self torture in architecture to reap the benefits of some sort of teaching in this field? Orr change as i have been considering... take this great big leap of faith, "live with no regrets" as i keep being told, leave the daily [and nightly] companionship of all people who i really love to be around and learn with, leave a field that somewhere deep down i love, but on a daily basis interacting with it/ the attitudes of the people in it... i absolutely hate
  to
attempt a field/ jump into a field i have little background in, but some connections to [physics majors love philosophy! ahhhh the strange connections life makes twisting and tangling back in and upon itself], be ready to meet new people who have been doing this stuff for two, three, even one year who are more knowledgable than me, try to not be sad about leaving my friends in architecture even though this is the biggest obstacle, also leaving behind the rigor of architecture, and the spatial-thinking, 3d thinking [that i think is really beneficial and everyone should learn of it], "follow my heart" , learn this field intensely and graduate within 2 to 3 semesters with a thesis and/or final project, not have the possiblility to change back again and expect to be on the same level as everyone, not to be with everyone anymore [even though we won't all ever really be together again in architecture... i mean maybe for DD but that probably wont be thattt enjoyable... even TK said he only went out 3 times when he was in it and he alwayssss goes out lol], finding happiness and balance in my life, returning to my childhood ways of reading and thinking and questioning, gaining experience and a "story" about my struggles in undergrad, having time to live healthy, sustain a relationship, friendships, maybe not feel as competitive/fake/cutthroat/visually-pretty-graphic-design=architecture/lost/whereisthisfieldreallyfocused?/doubtful/frustrated.... okay you get the picture....

 confliiicttt, as always this is what i get myself back to again and again... i mean i've made some headway... i kind of know what i would like to do with myself out of school..... but now with what degreeee???

falling horse drawing... pretty amazing

-c

Road Race Weekend

This weekend was soooo much fun! Eric ran the LHRR a 10k in the little New England town next to his and did a really great job. Normally the town is dead quiet I don't think I've seen more than one person with a dog ever walking through it at a time... but today it was filled with more people than I had even seen at the Freihofer's Run that I used to race in in Albany. There were over 1500 runners... and that's a lot for a little Connecticut town! We also had a great weekend in general... went to a bar and had a good time with his high school friends... listened to some hilarious karaoke... and had 80degrees-hot wine [from a Mexican bar]... which was interesting. I also liked that his enthusiasm for running got me walking/ jogging more than I have been... hahah... yea architecture = you will ultimately suck entirely at working out... but this has changed! Even the depressing and rainy day wasn't a total loss... we went and saw the movie Get Him to the Greek! with Russel Brand which was super funny - as its to be expected... I think I just love it in CT in general. It's quiet and pretty and you don't have to drive past ugly car dealerships no matter where you want to go [cough cough Cohoes... yuck]. Instead there's tons of trees and old New England farmhouses.. all from the 1770s & some earlier... it's really beautiful.... [and trust me I love the cities, too I've always seen myself living in Boston or NY after graduation... but even though I used to diss this whole state it's really not as bad in the area where Eric lives.... it's really nice... I think the only thing that's missing are the people I know/ could hang out with!].

A pretty path in the woods anddd the whoooolee little town [big compared to] the even smalllerrrr town where Eric lives!

It only really sucks facing the ride back... when all my panic starts setting back in... worrying about jobs and majors and stupid Troy... but I guess that's what has to happen when you return back to reality hahaha. Ahhh I can only hope for some answers this week! Hopefully I'll be getting some form of a parttime gig and my meeting about the career aptitude test I took is happening Wednesday... and I'm extremely interested for thatttt conversation. It sucks sooo much going through college and feeling like you need to "know" things... jeesh we all only just got out of followbrainwashingclassesinhighschool to make a decision to change the rest of your life/ finances and in four short years you're spat out to survive. Maybe my uncertainty has arisen from this fear... being thrown into the "real-world" and somehow completely failing. Architecture has just turned my world so upside down... I mean it doesn't line up in this school who's "good" or who's "bad" there is just a bunch of grey and a few people who speckle out with some form of 'fame' each semester.... but ahhh I just don't want to caaaare anymore if I go back to this kind of studying. I'm soooo afraid of DD I just want to have a 'normal' life, experience a semester without stressing myself to tears literally every night and getting so down on myself I have headaches for weeks and fear all of my classmates for their comments/looks/condescending superiority. I mean it could be going from high school subjectivity to college... competing with people who I could have smoked in high school in the sciences, math, english... but falling short when it comes to this strange thing 'design' and 'bullshitting everything you do'. Ugh I know that we all do it at times... we all have to bullshit our stuff at times in architecture... but seeing some of the people who literally bullshit their way through and do reallllyyy well... ahhh it's super disheartening and discouraging, not something/somepeople that I really feel like competing with. But okay, enough of the complaints, this is supposed to have been about having a great weekend in CT and being homesick for there instead of here...

-c

Funny, but true...

In Other News..........................

Alsooo, I've been watching too much of "Say Yes to the Dress" anddd went on a spree of looking at wedding dresses... whiiiich I think I would like much more to just plan a bunch of weddings than really have one myself sooo here are some of my findings... again, not the greatest collection of photos... I've really been kind of crappy about the looks of this blog lately, but at least these are some kind of interesting finds:

Alsooo, although probably not appropiate following wedding gowns I saw a commercial about the whale pirates or something show... and decided to look at whales because they are sooo cuteee and if I were cool and fun and smart I could go and study marine life and play with whales all day!

Okay, that's all of my imagry nonesense for now!

-c

Acouuuuustics

I want to design stuff like this!!!

http://www.newmanfund.org/sdc/2009/2009-firsthonors.pdf

I think probably the only way to keep me interested in DD would be to do some sort of acoustics-related design.... Althoooough, if I change into Philosophy I have the opportunity to get an Architectural Acoustics minor, which prepares people to take certification in acoustics after just earning the minor! That could mean that I have the opportunity to work for archie firms orrr arch-acoustics firms with only the minor degree.... buuttt if I stay in Architecture alone I won't have this oppportunity annddd even more scary, if I decide I really like acoustics and want to pursue it as my Masters studies.... RPI has the greatest MA in Acoustics... blehh which would mean I "should" just stay at RPI for another year or two!

Also, here's the description for the Acoustics Minor [it's five classes and 19 cr/hrs... but I could fit it in with the Philosophy Major] :

The minor in architectural acoustics is open to all Rensselaer students interested in advanced study focusing on the optimization of acoustical quality of performance spaces and other aurally sensitive environments. After completing the minor, the student will be well prepared for an entry level position dealing with acoustics issues in architectural practice, in acoustical consulting, or as a preparation for graduate studies in acoustics. Approval required by director of program.

-c

Missing Italy & Wishing for Better Things

Just saw Letters to Juliet with some high school friends at the mall... the whole movie is set in Verona "the city of love"... and follows a young, engaged girl and an old english woman who is looking for a lover she left in Italy 50 years in the past. Although the movie itself was pretty corny, the scenery and Italianessence made me miss it soooo much. I wish I could go back [and I probably never thought I'd wish that after the whirlwind of a semester that was had there]. Even just seeing Verona and Siena... two places we merely stopped at along the way... brought back memories of going to bars in the different piazzas and just walking around/ hanging out. I guess Jenni/Steve were right criticzing me for not going out more [even though I only got this message after our final in Roma...]. Looking back I do kind of wish I had spent some more euros and gone out more often. I enjoyed staying in and getting drunk off cheap wine early, getting a full night's rest, and waking up again for class... but I think it would have been much more out of character and much more rewarding had I broken out of that cycle and really just enjoyed being out in another country.... [oye me and my shyness/ timidness... I can be outgoing and friendly with people I am familiar with, but new situations and too many new people is really very frightening to me... especially because I sort of hate shorttalk and wasting my time on little trivial conversations]. Sooo I thought I'd start looking for some photos of Italy - even if they are just onliiiine - to remember some of the amazing places I have been:

Piazza Vittorio - Torino <3

[i ate at the restaurant with the tables set out!]

Piazza Vittorio again, Torino

Piazza & marketplace - Verona

Verona marketplace at night

Piazza del Campo - Siena

I'm a little bit sad these pictures suck so much... but these are some of the places I really miss. Torino, I think, will always be my favorite and have my best memories. I loved the first apartment we had there and the newness of it all. We also really settled in Torino and got underway with real life in Italy there. I think I also really enjoyed getting to know the people there - well not everyone haha aka definitely not Claudio - but Erika was extremely nice and it was great to meet someone from a different country that I could become friends with.

-c