times are a'changin'

Well I'm happy to say my nerves are now back down to a cool level. The past few days my blood has been boiling. I kind of hate that about myself - I can't hide my emotions... at all. Even when I try to let things slide and try to bottle them on the inside it always ends up coming out in the open. I feel like this was something I learned from my Mom. She never held back her anger with me, and for reasons of being afraid of her I can't keep secrets or tell lies without feeling enormously guilty and I also won't hold back my thoughts if I'm upset. I tried doing this yesterday... I didn't want to have a confrontation with Greg, but I guess I could also say he had it coming.

I was home, putting a bunch of my Italian postcards up on a memory board, hanging around with the pup and thennn the lovely boy arrives. He didn't realize I was home, and walked into Roz's room [one of the two bedrooms he's taken over for himself now] and he yells "Christianna what the fuck?!" So I gingerly walk out of my room, kind of surprised to hear this outburst after his speech about loving me weeks ago, "Excuse me?" Boy... was he taken by surprise. He then tried telling me not to turn on the air conditioner, despite there being only one, also in a room that he had only taken over, he isn't really living in... bahh! But anyway he makes some annoying plea to me that I'm going to run the apartment bill up by turning the thing on and hes NOT paying extra on his rent [yea alright big guy... you used the a/c all last week and I haven't been around for 2 weeks... I'm pretty sure this month's on you]. Anyway, he keeps trying to make me feel bad for turning on the stupid machine, to the point where I decide to bring up past offenses... yea girl strategy #1. I took a swing at him for calling my puppy "it" which really had pissed me off... who in their right mind says that? I told him he needs to show a little bit more respect and not go around calling Bella "it" in which time he stammered out some weak form of an apology, while still calling her "it" in his explanation, and ending this all with a "Are you asking me to respect your dog?" WTF??? YES you idiot! You need to respect me, my dog, my things, this apartment. I don't understand how he can be such an empty vat [no wonder Christians have such a bad name, he could be their poster boy!]. Ahhh, well as if he hadn't dug himself a deep enough hole, I was so upset by his misunderstanding[?] I think mostly his trying to excuse himself and not admit he was wrong... but WHATEVER. So I say "And also what are you doing about your room situation? Are you going to choose one or are you going to be in both, because your stuff is everywhere" which of course when posed with the question he decides he now wants the room with the a/c... the room he was supposeddd to be in all summer long ahhhh [I swear it's like dealing with a 5 year old]. Andd it's here he starts sulking. Sad that I am upset with him, yes for real. Maybe embarrassed that he left the place a pig sty and had taken over 90% of the house? I really hate having to put people in line. It's not fun and I mostly think people should just understand common sense things [like all of the things he was misunderstanding]. But w/e. When I was home for my mom's birthday he cleaned the place. There is now space to sit in the living room. The kitchen floor isn't filled with peanuts and I feel like I can go to sleep without my blood pressure being through the roof. I hope he understands now what being a roommate is about. I mean I mostly hope he just keeps his distance. I swear to gawd I didn't think RPI would be filled with so many idiots. I've had more confrontations in the past two years then ever before in my life. Between Greg and James I just don't understand how parents are raising these people.

Ughh, okay hopefully this will be thee true end of my rants and worries. I really, really hope so.

- c

annoyance

It's been a long, rainy day. I can't wait to get out of the office. I feel so childish with all of the anger I have for so many people right now, but really I sometimes feel like once work is over, I'm in an alternate universe of wackness. My apartment is a total wreck right now. I thought I would be coming back to something at least decent to live in, but the place is a pig sty. It makes me so upset. There shit all over the floors, no where to sit in the living room, dining room, kitchen... I feel like the only "safe" zone is my room... which is apparently okay for people to go into and turn things on and off? It pisses me off to no end. I cannot wait until my real roommates are back. To feel like this is so damaging to my daily life. I just want to come home to a place where I feel at peace, a place where I can think and relax. But all that is there are piles of someone else's shit, tons of dishes, the horrible smell of the garbage, and a lawn full of weeds. So much for the "so-and-so's" pride for their property... bullshit. Ahh, when will it end?!

- c

the moving on song

I wish I could say on here the numerous things that have been going through my mind recently, I'm slowly finding out though the number of people that actually read this thing... I kind of thought it was just me. But the many feelings I've been having lately are so unlike what has been going on in my life, for years. It's so strange, exciting, frightening - all at the same time. For once in my life, I really wish I was alone. And I mean this in many ways, the most important being that I really wish I was living alone... just a few weeks could really do it I think. I don't know why living with other people has been so stressful lately. I kind of just want it to be me and Bella for a little while. For us to hang out and bond, time for me to teach her what I want and in the way that I want to. Time for me to have free space and free reign to study seriously for the GRE's. Time to figure out my true interests and arguments, to research what is going on at NYU and Harvard. I even wish I could just come and go without having to acknowledge other people in the process - and I've NEVER been like this before in my life. I've always wanted people around. Usually I'm nervous being by myself for a couple of hours. Maybe it's having the pup around... I'm really not alone with her here. But the presence of people, for some reason is really becoming an annoyance to me. I'm debating moving into my room in Warren Hall with the pup. Or just back home, home. I guess in both cases people would be around, but I wouldn't be swamped in piles of shit like at this apartment and I wouldn't really have to interact with the other people around. At home I get by being the black sheep. I'm left to my "areas" of the house to do the things I want and noone really gets in my way. And in Warren - noone really talks there. Actually, being back in Quad would be my best dream come true. I'd have a/c, a huge lawn, and practically noone around... probably noone even in my building. Ahh, the peace I could find there.

I'm not sure this kind of thinking is leading me to want the summer to end. In fact, I think the summer ending would just bring more hordes of people that I don't want to see right now [jeesh I sound like a hermit]. I want the summer to continue on, I just want it to be a summer to myself some time to really figure things out and let Bella get better, without having to worry about her being too hot, or too cramped, or anything. Oh, I pray for my sanity.

- c

just bella and me

Today has been one of the most difficult in a while. I moved Bella and myself back into the big house on 15th Street, and it was anything but easy. From being nervous about the temperature of the house [it being too hot, as Eric has a/c], to her adjusting well being back here I have been a nervous wreck. She is calm and sleeping on the foot of my bed now, but I feel so bad bringing her around to these different living situations. Hopefully she will adapt well to being back in the big house, that she will like my room like she once did. I hope we can get back into a healthy routine, and I guess it's much better than being in the pound? Here she isn't being tormented by the noise and bustle of many big dogs. I think her biggest fear is when I leave each day. And its heartbreaking to have to leave her, even going downstairs to make myself dinner I felt like I was breaking her heart. I think she will learn to be comfortable in this room again, just like she was at Eric's... she'd just lay on his bed and watch us walk in and out, knowing we'd be back. Ahh, I really, really hope these next few weeks can go smoothly. It would be a miracle this summer to have a couple days of peace.

- c

big red moon

Picture of a big red moon, from the observatory on Sat, July 16.
courtesy of Kevin Todisco.

- c


P.S. This was also the night we saw the rings on Saturn, a distant star, and watched how fast the earth moves when viewing a part of the moon in the telescope. In another life I would have been a great, ancient astronomer. 

growing up...

Now that camp is sadly winding down to a close, it'll be back to planning my real future. I'm wayy behind in studying for the GRE's. I think I'm just going to have to be confident with my vocabulary skills and focus-in on studying for the math. My main hope of getting into grad school will be invested in NYU. The thought of Harvard excites and scares me, but if I find out that they are going to be condescending, or completely judge me by a standardized test score, then I'm not sure I'd have as much in common with them as I'd originally hoped. I guess I should still give it a chance though. I think I'm also feeling like I'm in a crunch because this summer's ending is so up in the air. I could get away with a couple weekends in New York and Boston, but that coupled with a week at the beach might be too much with the responsibilities of puppy still up in the air.

AND that's another decision that's still just paperwork sitting around on the kitchen counter. I get the feeling that the Humane Society has become comfortable with me looking after her, and will only come searching for my money when they actually realize she's still in my care. After visiting her the other night at Eric's I'm beginning to realize just how difficult it will be if I have to let her go. When he and I were walking out to my car we could hear her barking from his room, and then she was whining all night when I was gone. I am attached to her, I worry about her, and it makes me care so much more when I realize just how much she cares for and misses me. It's heartbreaking to know that she recognizes I'm still the one who saved her from her homelessness. I think having Bella around has really skewed my own perspectives on how I live. I was so free before, and I didn't even realize it. Having someone you are truly responsible for changes your whole vision of time and the future. If Bella is still around in my future she will be the determinant of numerous things. Where I live, when and how many times I can go away, where I spend my mornings and evenings, the times I wake up. Everything in my life is altered with her presence. I think what's beginning to scare me about having her around, mostly due to the fact that she is aggressive with other dogs like Whisp, is that I won't be able to travel like I want to. I feel so selfish saying that, but ever since going to college, and especially since returning from Italy I've had an insatiable desire to travel as much as possible. Why else would I be seriously considering grad school in linguistics, with the idea that if Plan A fails, I will join the Peace Corps just to prove what I mean to do with my life. With Bella in the picture, everything changes. There is no way I could "return" her to the Humane Society, and putting her in the hands of one of my family members as a result of my life decisions would also feel like being a huge failure. The feeling of being a mother to this pup is strong, and it's really changing my plans for the future. I believe in things happening for a reason, I often find that the things that happen in my life are extremely comical to look back upon. The real irony of my life is like something out of a bad dream. But I guess it's this thought that makes me think Bella and I were strung together for some "ultimate" reason. Maybe she's going to be what keeps me on the path of architecture. The path I've waned in and out of for four years, but somehow always been on course. She could be the moment in my life that forces me to work for a firm after graduation and not do this Master's thing. Who knows? My vision is completely blinded at this point. I don't think I've ever had this much trouble dreaming about my own future [I mean really that's basically my forte on this blog]. Ahhh, what's to come?

- c

the bears

During last week, I felt like time was flying by. Maybe right now it's just a case of the Mondays, but maybe it's also because Bella is acting up that I'm worrying this week will feel like an eternity. It also sucks that I've basically bruised part of my summer by having wayy too many things going on during camp. Bella, working at OCS, grad school, and figuring other events have made these two weeks extremely difficult. All I want to do is concentrate on having fun with the camp, and not worrying about other things. I guess one positive thing is that I've had a lottt of time to read. That being said, I am still afraid for how Bella will act over the next four nights, and I really hope she can behave herself.

I am starting to believe this is the time when summer feels long. Slightly over half way through, bored at work and mainly bored in general... I need some new routine, some sort of escape. Maybe getting Bella back, and having her around again will be a good change of routine, but until thenn I'm stuck. Where's thesis when you need it??

- c

[as karl and eric would say, it's "the bears" hahhaa]

nervous in the alley

Sooo I guess Phil was right when he said I could be nervous in a room full of puppies. Bella comes home again today after work and I feel so guilty and nervous. Since I'm working two jobs for one more week, I've asked Eric to help me care for her. I trust him a lot more than my family, and he has the little bit of extra time to spend with her after he's done with research. The only problem is that his apartment doesn't allow pets and I'm so, so afraid he's going to be caught and get into massive trouble. If that happens I'll feel like a complete idiot and be very upset. I guess it's doubly bad as well, because as a foster parent the pup is supposed to always be under my care - and only my care. In the packet it lists "spouse" as another appropriate caretaker, which isn't really Eric, but close enough. There are just soooo many things that can go wrong... I didn't know I could be such a risk-taker haha. I'm also a nervous wreck, because Bella is now coming back after having her two final treatments. When I called at lunch, the girl at the front desk told me she'll have two medications now - which I'm sure will be fine, but I'm still going to be worried. I feel like having Bella around - especially because she's sick - has turned me into the worry-filled mother that I fear becoming. Besides the fact that I am also terrified of having a baby growing inside of me, I think the first year of baby-hood would be absolutely horrendous. I know I could deal with the late nights, the care-taking responsibilities, the intelligence-learning... it's really the fear of the baby hurting him/herself that scares me the most. If my baby even so much as got a bruise I'm sure I'd be in tears for days. I would worry for months about the repercussions of that bump, and what illness each sneeze might mean. I look at mothers who are like that now and think they are absurdly insane. I don't want to turn into that. If I am this worried about a puppy recovering from the last stages of heartworms, God knows how shell-shocked I'd be with a real human baby.

Anyways, I'm excited to have her come back into my life. I'll be especially happy when it's me and her again in my apartment - that allows pets. Although this will be another difficult time. Over the next few weeks I'll have to decide if I'm going to keep her, or put her up for adoption. Deep down my heart tells me to let her go to a loving family with time and kids a real mom and a set future. But my mind doesn't think they will ever be good enough, my mind won't guarantee this family is good enough for her - I guess this is how I deal with almost everything. Noone is good enough for my friends and family until they prove it to me... and it is a very difficult process. It's just disappointing for me that these two weeks of Computer Games Camp - the two weeks I've looked forward to all summer have to pass with such urgency and anxiety. I don't want the camp to end... it's probably one of my favorite things about summer, hanging out with friends, living in the beautiful Quad and staying up late with funny, happy people [there aren't many opportunities to do this in life as I get older, that is unless the people are all getting drunk]. I'm at such a cross-roads in my life. I guess someone out there finds it funny to test me all summer long. Just like me testing everyone I know, with their patience and understanding of me, summer is always a test of my personality. And a hard one, too. School tests me in my ability to keep cool, which I constantly fail at but at least everyone there knows it. If I fail during the summer, it's just me here to judge myself.

- c

mid-summer, no dreams

Been listening to too much Kings of Leon, sleeping little, and studying nada. I love this summer camp, being around young people excited for their futures... even just excited for something are inspiring to be around. They all make friends really fast, and last year the campers created lasting bonds. I just wish it was the same story in my life. Seems like friendship [relationships in general] are short-lived... and that sucks. I think I'm starting to learn that I get really annoying in the ways that I push for "what is right" even though in speech I am totally against this way of thinking. It's like being hyper religious and not being able to explore other modes of thought - it's absolutely ignorant.

On that note, had a great conversation the other day with my friend and coworker, Kevin, with the Computer Games Camp. I'm reading a book now, Consciousness Explained by Dennett, and although I think he's a complete prick and not entirely solid in his arguments, I do appreciate the range of topics he covers - not to mention it's easier for me to read someone I disagree with and make my own claims then to fall into a trap believing a theorist I like a lot. So anyway, Kevin and I got to discussing AI. I hate AI - from my perspective it's a waste of time, definitely interesting to think about and question like black holes, the size of the universe, and zombies but entirely something that should be considered a pasttime as opposed to a field of study. Kevin - a computer programmer - of course thinks otherwise. He thinks its a worthwhile endeavor to study machine intelligence and believes in a conscious pile of organized metal. I can't deny that there might be a chance for conscious machines, I just don't want the whole political/ evil scientist tragedy to incur. I am more afraid with AI that someone will pretend to have figured it out and be able to convince others of this having some kind of reckless power over people. This - I think - scares me more than a machine actually having consciousness. Besides that fact, I think the biggest hurdle AI fanatics will have to cross is the fact that I do not believe machines will be able to understand time in the same way we do... or any living thing. As Kevin pointed out, for a machine to appear more realistic, error would have to be integrated into the system. But time is one thing the machine utilizes in a unique way, apart from how we "use" [manipulate, take-in] time. Kevin brought up the fact that maybe the machine could 'grow' in its understanding like a baby grows up and begins to understand time, but if emotions aren't difficult enough to artificially create, how hard would it be to being wiring the connection times and errors between emotions, how they meld and change not only that - time! It's the most elusive thing. Maybe the most human thing about us is that each of us has our own interactions with time, we each work slightly different and this heterogeneity would be extremely difficult to design into a machine. I know these points are loose and probably not the most important in the argument that I'm trying to create, but they are getting it somewhere. So, dear AI people when you figure out the natural world's understanding and use of time, as opposed to our perceived use of time maybe you will be getting somewhere... otherwise I am convinced all that you are doing is creating more and more powerful ancestors of Google, which really - is just an embarrassment to us all. 

- c

pretty ocean photography

the Corb of language

The more I think about it, the more I think life is about the conversation. The good, the bad, damaging and healing, speech and communication govern our lives. Sure we inhabit buildings for more than 80% of our time here, but we are so more trapped by language. I think I like chasing mysteries, the things that I just don't feel are "correctly" explained to me, and with them I try and struggle. And right now my mind can't get around the immensity that is language. It is also a pertinent topic, maybe not just for myself, but for my generation to grapple as language is constantly being manipulated. Like in architecture,where forms and materials are being manipulated as time goes on, language is being manipulated in its form, use, and analogical understanding. For some reason, I feel like I can let-go of my nostalgia of old architectural styles, sure my heart will always be more moved by a creation of the Spanish Moors than of Zaha Hadid or Eisenmann, but for some reason it just feels wrong to say the same of old languages. As of right now I am not interested in the "historic preservation" facet of linguistics - it interests me and concerns me - but I feel like the people in this camp are pursuing somewhat unrealistic, pitiful goals. I am much more interested in the evolutionary/ theoretical side of linguistics, how and why there is language, what it does to us and what control we have over it. I think my main concern with this side of things, is delving too deeply into AI... a side of philosophy and modernity... a fad I'd like to say that really gets me on my bad side - another thing I think linguists are wasting their time on. So I guess in both worlds - architecture and philosophy - I am somewhat of a traditionalist. I prefer old methods, and looking at old models to influence my own work, I'm not so enamored or convinced by the current trends [but I can certainly keep up with them and play along if need be]. But hey - Corb did the same - and I have no problem with shadowing his ancients-appreciating technique.

- c