Break is already ending? I've written more posts in the past day than I have in over two months and already this short breath of fresh air is over. I spent more than half my time wandering around malls and Target, another quarter either on my computer doing work or on my computer writing on here/ searching on amazon, and another quarter hanging out with my family. There hasn't even been time for friends on this short spree.
It's hard to start realising that I'm going to have to think about grad school or work soon and it's such a hard decision to make. Should I go for it? Take my GRE's? Should I pursue architecture in grad school? I think if I go straight onto grad school I will probably not be going for architecture. But what then? Am I just giving up my dream of working for a place like SHoP because I think they won't hire me? [they probably wouldn't either...] But that's not to say that I've lost interest in them... if I were to pursue architecture it would be because there are those kinds of people out there - real, family-oriented, fun, and great designers... there's no bullshit at SHoP, they're just freaking good. I feel like everyone in school was so surprised when they went to that firm... but visiting them just reassured me that they were designers I knew I liked... and have liked since I looked them up freshman year. It just sucks that everyone knows about them now... and knows how cool they are. There aren't many firms run like SHoP... at least not that I've come across. But then again, SHoP's probably like the MIT in my dream-world of places where I want to go. [I didn't get into MIT which is why I think the comparison will be pretty easy to make] Nope, instead I'll wear my heart out trying to get into SHoP, only to be disappointed and lead-on for a time, making me feel like a contender... then they'll drop me off the face of the earth and I'll be left with the place that's my last choice.... yea I could go on with this dreary story... the one that I live every day now at RPI, but at this point I've learned to live with it... I guess that's just what'll have to happen in real life. Only when I was back in high school I could still dream big for myself. Now that I'm in a mediocre college, doing an alright job - I'm not a 'five star student' or anything of that sort, I've never gotten recognition at even our own in-house shows - so I'll go on to work for an 'okay' firm and do 'alright' buildings that'll let me get by in life.... ugh. It's gunna suck. Alot.
Probably should stop thinking about such depressing things...
So, on the other hand... there's applying to grad school... which also means taking my GRE's. And I can have all of these high-hopes for going to Yale or Harvard or Columbia, but if I can't get a decent GRE score... who knows if I would even be in the running for going to places like those? Or what if I want to pursue university in England? Oxford might be tricked by a lucky GRE score, but they aren't going to be fooled by me when I flop at their tough interviewing process... I flopped interviewing at a pottery painting place this summer.. how bad is it going to be when I'm in front of a bunch of Oxford scholars who spit Nobel Peace Prizes out after their turkey dinners? Ah, and even then would I be good at archaeology? anthropology? Or would younger, smarter, English-born-and-bred history majors beat me to the punch every time?
I remember back in the BLD when Anthony was describing how he felt going into RPI. He said it was like he was wandering forward on a dark path... that he could see nothing in front of him. When I was waddling away, having a lazy summer after senior year, I felt the same way. Where was I going? Did it even matter? High school was so easy... I was in no way prepared for the challenges and choices RPI would bring. But I'm sort-of smarter now... maybe not mathematically anymore... but I can tell that RPI isn't really preparing me for the real world. It's probably not even preparing me all that well for Harvard or Yale, so now more than ever I feel like I've already started on a new dark pathway into the unknown.... [and I'm not even a fifth-year yet.... it's not even summer...]. I guess looking back at the whole MIT situation I can live with not going there now... I might have been more proud of myself, walking off with an MIT degree... but at least I have my RPI friends that keep me grounded in Troy. But thinking about it.... even last summer I wanted to transfer out. I wanted to quit architecture and do something different every summer since I've been at RPI. What does that mean for me professionally? Or what would that mean for me when I apply to grad school and things get even more on that brink of "I've decided what to do with my life"? I think it's just making that decision that will haunt me and chase me forever. Not the decision itself... or it's repercussions... I'll live with those like I'm living with my choices now.... but maybe now's that time when I really step-up and go after what I want in my life? Did I do that for MIT? Can I possibly do more right now?
- c
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