Some things I'll admit

Even though I am having a huuuuge problem falling in love, or even dealing with my relationship with architecture right now, there are some things I can admit I've fallen to. For instance, take Italy. I have admitted already that I enjoyed the traveling, and I even liked being there - at some times - with those people, of course the beginning parts of the trip being the more fun times with everyone. I admit that I loved the trips, getting up early everyday and walking around all day long, I even loved trying the reallllly scary lifts that would take us to the tops of mountains. But I have to also admit the things that I didn't enjoy so much.... which was of course studio, dealing with the 'architects', designing with partners, not feeling good enough in the end even though Jefferson made me feel like I was doing alright all along. All of those things made that half of the trip seem like a real failure to me. I went to Italy to discover if architecture was the 'thing' for me, to see if the trip would bring me to some deep appreciation and love for the practice.

All it really did was dig me even deeper into this hole I struggle to get out of to this day. I fell in love with the places, the people, the discovery of old architectures along the way. I feel in love with walking and learning about the practices of other people, but I didn't fall in love with me as an architect. I wouldn't have changed my studies there, I could never look back and want to give up walks with Emelio ,or even Blanchard's class. Those were my two favorite parts of the entire trip. But what I could have given up was the feeling of being led-on and lost in the crowd when it came to my 'profession'.

I know america, and architecture, too, are all about building yourself up to be this amazing person, by breaking the rules but being completely loyal all at the same time, it's about you you you and not letting anybody get in your way, and I don't know that it's only architecture that will do that to me. I think a lot of the concerns people have for me right now is that I'll relapse into this way of thinking when I jump into another major, I mean I've built up a three year relationship with all of these people and that can't ever happen again for me... not until I pass on into the professional world. I'll never come upon this group of people again, this combination, this family.

So once again today, I was milling over the things in my mind that come and go like the most annoying mosquitos and I started thinking about how architecture isn't my 'dream job'..... okay. I know it's really rare that somone gets their 'dream job' and the funny thing with me is: I don't think I've ever had a dream job. The closest I've probably ever come was when coach Sara gave me the opporunity to join her racing barn and be a warm-up jockey with her at Saratoga for the summer. She hadn't offered any one of her students that job, and I didn't even take lessons with her. In fact, a lot of the people I trained with, she really didn't like, but a lot of my barn friends were in her lessons and I know they were putting in a good word for me. I was good at something back then. I was good at a lot of things. I was doing well in cross country, I would come from running miles and miles to ride and work at the barn until eight at night, and then I would go home and do homework and get A's and enjoy school. I had a real passion for horses, and this warm-up job was just my ticket to a great future. Of course to my mom, it was horses or college, and I was 'smart' [?] enough to take my ticket to college.

But what I wouldn't give to go back and have an opportunity like that, or like the time the barn up north, the crazy mom and her son that I rode with for about a month [because they really were crazy, wayyy to competitive and not that great of teachers], but they did offer me a place on their team to go and show in Florida [where riders get paid a lot of money for doing well in competitions, some prizes being $100,000 for a winning ride] - what I wouldn't give to be earning that in a days' work right now...

Of course I can join the team again, maybe become the president again, maybe do well in shows and be friends with everyone in the barn. That stuff is easy, it is natural to me and I love it, but for some reason that can't be my life. I've chosen to search for something different, something 'sustainable' even though that word makes me want to throw up over every single 'green' hipster person out there.

Okay, but 'dream job' what should that really mean to a person? Are people in architecture really in there because it's their dream career? Was it just a fallback? Was it a calling like horseback was for me? I always hear that people will have their jobs, but that doesn't have to be what they are in love with... but when I see architects, and when I'm in architecture school, I feel like this is something you have to really be strangely, deeply in love with. Why did the professors not weed me out? Why have they kept me dangling by a string this whole time? And why, after they break my heart do they not tell me it's because I don't belong and I should just get out now? Do none of them really believe that? What's good in me? I mean really, I would like some answers!

On another note, I really miss Pienza and want to go back there - like now!

-c