Haven't blogged in a while, but today's a slow morning. It's already three weeks into school... last week my my first of no sleep and I kind of forsee a lot more of these weeks to come. Of course part of my no-sleep was due to my studio from last semester setting up our project in EMPAC. Oatman named it "Blindfield" one of those clever word mashes he comes up with... I just kind of think it's silly.
I have to say before it got underway I was really nervous. I wasn't sure how mine and Katie's layout was going to work and I was kind of freaking out. I knew that if our layout was horrible in real-life we'd be getting ragged on for a long, long time... especially seeing as when I proposed the 'field' condition yet again at the end of the studio all I heard was about people talking behind my back about how bad an idea it was. Well, I must say after me, Jenni, Justin, and Elliot raised those first three panels in the back right corner, I was proud of pushing my idea so far (maybe when people disrespect me/ don't follow me it's they who don't know what they're talking about...). I know that Elliot and James will brag day in and day out about how much work they did - how they were the only people ever doing work in that studio - but they didn't see me and Katie every day and night up in Studio when they were working down in the shop - I really hate the self-righteousness of the people I have classes with.
In our critique there was a sweet old man from architecture+ in downtown Troy who I totally respect and am now interested in working for. He had great commentary for the entire project, and especially liked my layout ideas... he really discussed the effects of it in the ways I had intended - the reasons I had pushed so hard for a field condition... it's all about finding yourself, just like Francisco's music.... when you lose yourself and finally return - that's when you know the most who you really are. Well, enough of my self-righteousness... I felt like I had to get it across the work that I did for this project if not vocally, at least here on the blog. I hate not getting credit for all the things I do - even though it seems to happen on almost every project... people here are just so power hungry.
Ah, these things I always forget about architecture school. I always default to believing in the goodness and fun that I have with everyone here and then it's always the people that I'm closest to who disappoint me the most. I feel alienated already about the things I like: old architecture, reading/modernity class, etc. I feel like an outsider when I enjoy these things by the reactions of my friends.... which sucks a lot. This, as well as there being compeition in the hanging-up/ taking-down of 'Blindfield' makes me want to get away from all of this. I don't care who is wrapping up panels faster or better I don't even understand why it has to be brought into conversation... it just makes me feel worthless being told I'm inferior doing stupid things like that... I guess people really don't understand how little confidence I have in myself.
There are so many things I should be writing now, but for some reason it's like dragging a plow trying to get these words out. I could talk about how great my uncle's wedding was, how me and Eric are hanging by a string, how I get homesick every weekend and every time I see my parents... but for some reason I'm already shutting myself out being here at rpi. Whereas the words would flow like liquid gold this summer, it's like searching out for the tiniest diamond now... nothing's coming to me. So I guess this would be a good place to end things for now.... before I go onto to rambling more about things that don't matter or that I'll regret writing later. I just hope things get better soon... I want to feel like I belong here.
- c
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