So it's Monday night, after the first weekend of school... a weekend I should have enjoyed every minute of - to the fullest... three days we got here! But of course I look back and I don't know where it's gone. I know I spent all of today being an unproductive goofball and that seems to be the mark of the semester so far... I feel super lazy sitting next to James as he hacking away at our Microstation model. Even sitting here now, I know Marissa is in the kitchen editing her eighty diagrams to a perfection that noone will notice but her (that's saying that they are perfect diagrams, but she's going to work on them until they reach some sublime state of greatness). And here I am in my room writing on my bloooog... haha what a nerd.
What really sucks, too, is that I have my Modernity book sitting right next to me... and I WANT to read it, but for some odd reason I'm not. I think I'm believing Modernity is going to be the 'god' of all the BTA classes and I want to treat this book as the Bible. My notes have been so meticulous, I've even been trying really hard to write them neatly, orderly, and so that I can actually reference them for studying and after the class... gosh, today I even spent my entire morning dedicated to making a label for my notebook! (okay, so that was partly just a remedial hungover task for me to accomplish to start off the day...) I think this whole 'school thing' hasn't hit me yet, but come tomorrow - it will. I already have five chapters due tomorrow at 6p for ProP that I haven't started... as well as finishing diagrams, working in Microstation, writing a new paragraph for our project statement, there's also Structures II at noon, Marissa wants to go to Arlene's (and I need to get some things, too), anddd three more thirty-page Modernity readings that I haven't even started yet.... and that's not even beginning to think about Wednesday where there will be class at 8a and our first DD 'charette' experience.. yipee!
I also think that because I'm dreading DD so much, I'm not ready to dive into it yet. I am already wayyy over-honorifying Modernity, I'm scared to death of DD, and still not sure what to think of Structures or ProP. I also have a relationship that is currently in the decaying phase, and so that's probably out of some loneliness that I chose to sit down and write now. Not to mention a great deal of homesickness already... and I'm only over in Troy. Just talking to my sister today on facebook chat was making me sad and long for mom dad and whisper. Just to sleep in my own bed and only worry about seeing them everyday and being around the house. I don't know what's gotten into me this summer, that only after a week of being in Troy I'm longing to go back home. I can even talk myself into not caring if Eric's here or not, but I still just want to be back where I was all summer long. Maybe something about home this summer made me feel worth something... I didn't have a job, but my parents and I got along much, much better than we have in years and my mom's newfound approval of me really made me feel like I belonged there. (I kind of doubt that that's how DD is going to make me feel)
I'm super scared of working with James now, too. I like that he's a good talker, and knows what he wants, but I feel like an idiot making suggestions to his thoughtful, master plan. I just feel like my ideas aren't pushing the project anywhere, but then I feel lazy and useless when I have no work to add to the project... he's literally been carrying the team since the start of this thing.
Ahh, I just want more than anything to go home. I'm soooo scared about the rest of the time I have yet to serve here at rpi...
- c
p.s. forgot to write the plan for tomorrow morning, it's: call the Netherlands at 6a (if I actually get up), then go back to sleep, leave for hockey at 7:45a... andd then all of the other school nonesense that has to be fit into the day....
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