Got back from seeing Shannon and Kira a little while ago and of course taking a step away from RPI-work-world really gives me a perspective on life [ i just wish it were easier for me to see the "other side" when i'm toiling away in the greene building for days on end ]. But seeing my aunt and my new baby cousin and how great a life they have... i mean i guess it's really what i'm aiming for - just to be happy. I just keep getting caught up feeling like i have to compete, compete, compete and i forget that it's what after all this crap that really matters. My mind is always changing about architecture and i always wish i were a better student, but even if i'm not the 'best' here... or anywhere... as long as i can find my place someewheree... then i should be able to lead a good and happy life. I just need to pick myself up and out of this rut, feeling like because i'm not anything special at RPI doesn't mean i'm completely useless. Maybe this mind-set could get me a decent job for the summer - something interesting to keep me motivated in this school for two more years [motivated enough to finish a thesis project on this damn subject]. I mean i think what i worry about most sometimes is that i should really 'like' doing this stuff right? I mean i don't think i should necessarily 'like' the all-nighteres and stuff like that... but when i'm constantly getting bad crits i just start to feel like maybe this was a wrong choice on my part.... people who are successful enjoy what they do ALL THE TIME, right? Well i'm the best at presenting conflicting interests - i mean i started this entry thinking about not needing to be entirely a 'success', but just being happy... and now i don't know if the two always need to come hand in hand? I'm also pretty upset at school for never being taken seriously. My speech sucks - no one ever has a clue to what i'm talking about... and my visuals aren't top-par either. I guess i can just hope that two more years of this hard-labor will fix sometihng about those two problems...
-c
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