from my Buddha book - Merton is mentioned by psychologist Jack Kornfield
"How does it happen that even today a couple of ordinary French stonemasons, or a carpenter and his apprentice, can put up a dovecote or a barn that has more architectural perfection than the piles of eclectic stupidity that grow up at the cost of hundreds of thousands of dollars on the campuses of American universities?"
“We are so obsessed with doing that we have no time and no imagination left for being. As a result, men are valued not for what they are but for what they do or what they have - for their usefulness.”
“If you want to study the social and political history of modern nations, study hell”
"Do not depend on the hope of results. You may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect. As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not on the results, but on the value, the rightness, the truth of the work itself. You gradually struggle less and less for an idea and more and more for specific people. In the end, it is the reality of personal relationship that saves everything."
"To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything, is to succumb to the violence of our times."
"You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope."
"A man knows when he has found his vocation when he stops thinking about how to live and begins to live."
"Discovering vocation does not mean scrambling toward some prize just beyond my reach but accepting the treasure of true self I already possess. Vocation does not come from a voice “out there” calling me to be something I am not."
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
p.s. to what i am learning...
p.s. as you can probably see... i am not in "it" for the money. i'm here for security and happiness... i think i've chased the "glory" enough before in my past to have learned i'm here for my friendships and relationships and i'm tired as hell of competitions, proving myself, losing my self esteem, and feeling like a complete failure.
on that note here's the picture i'm completely obsessed with lately a little pup asleep in a martini glasss haha it's all over an form of internet real estate i have.... fun, sleep, and soft furs the best combination in this universe! haha
-c
What I'm learning...
And probably what i should already know. I mean you can tell me over and over again that it doesn't matter what i choose to do with my life "it will all work out" but i won't ever believe you. I am coming to realize though that no matter what I'm destined to begin my life out of college with huuuuge loans, a job paying around $30,000 a year, and uncertainity as to my location. All of these things frighten me, but it's what we are all going through. I guess it does just come down to me finding something to do that will truly make me happy. I'm not a competitive person, i'm very intellectual, i love to read, i love to write, i love learning about architecture, i love hand draftig, occassionally i love building models, i rarely enjoy making diagrams and i kind of suck in the computer graphics department.
Hmm... what else? i love learning/reading about buddhism, i love architectural philosophy even though i believe it's counteractive for the profession itself, i am curious about acoustics and neuroscience, i love coffee [good for any profession really], i love being a TA [even though i really sucked this past semester - sorry guys, oatman studio = stress to the maxxxx, definitely an embarassing experience but who cares? none of us were awake anyway], i love taking random classes aside from my main area of study [like suny photography, writing, art classes in high school - probably a good indicator that i will need TIME in my life to explore things outside of my career... aka i WILL NOT be forced to stay in a studio around the clock because i will dieee], i like getting along with the people i'm working with and having honest relationships in the workplace - this is actually verryyyy important to me and is somewhat a reason for why i am depressed about RPIand probably architecture in general being a damn stupid freshman i guess it was my fault [& other peoples as well... fuck people who cant grow up and get beyond things], i cant be in the same place all the time especially where i live - i will alwaysss find ways to not go back to the place i should call 'home' probably stemming from my home life/problems i've had for many yearssss butttt i still want time and the freedom to return to this place on occassion [i missed it soooo much and regret it soooo much not returning and hanging out at the Skank more when i had the chance... goddamn architecture second year....fuck], during the semesters i miss having the freedom to read, i miss horseback riding, i miss distance running and hurdles, i like working hard and being on somewhat of a tight schedule it makes me feel accomplished and also fosters my athleticism [but nooot when i'm being worked over the limit then i retreat and i don't dooo anything.... aka my ever-threatening deer-in-the-headlights syndrome], i like being in a relationship its just something about me feeling secure anddd its especially important to me now that i've found a great one and i don't want anything to get in the way of that not even architecture, alsooo i value my friendships and i hate sacrificing them for my relationship or for my "studies" sooo conflicts have come about anddd this is probably one of my biggest crossroads.
Sooo today i was researching job markets, salaries, how to pay off student loans, masters programs, phD degrees - values, processes, age/life timing.... and ahhh sooo many possibilitesssss nooot good for someone with a severe problem in the decision-making arena. I guess that's when i began to realize it DOESNT MATTER i can graduate in architecture, philosophy, "basketweaving" <--- that's my favorite from my mom telling me she doesnt care what i graduate with in undergrad because it doesnt matter.... it just matters that i enjoy myself, learn something, graduate, make friends and connections, have some form of hope for my future... if i can accomplish these few things i think i will have had a successful go at my undergraduate studies. In my research as mentioned above i also looked into teaching outlooks for the post-secondary level... which i think is something that i am seriously interested in i loooove TA'ing and being able to help people out [props to dBell lol] and reflecting on everything i have learned in my past... i fear in architecture that career track to becoming an archie professor these days means i have to become someone like Jefferson [have my own business, teach on the side, get my licesnce quick, not have a family or steady relationship, travel and never have a home.... sooo much insecurity all for what? money? fame?] and who of my archie professors is truly happy? they all seem very detached from their loved ones, from any form of 'normal' or steady life... true they are professors at a high-ranking private university in the northeast, and that's not something i would necessarily expect of myself, but even so ahhh soo frightening because i DONT want to be anything like that.
Ah... so back to what i was researching again... working for a community college as a professor.... pay sort of sucks, no fame or prestige, but also no burning out in my 30s/40s, happiness/rewarding like my time TA'ing, flexibility as to location [there are tons of community colleges and they aren't the most sought-after jobs by academics], working with probably funny and interesting students, maybe not as much competition with my collegues - we won't be trying to outpublish each other or outsmart each other, summer's off, possible tenure within 10 years!!! Ahhh seemssss perfectooo to mee....
now all i really have to decide iss whether to continue in the realm of self torture in architecture to reap the benefits of some sort of teaching in this field? Orr change as i have been considering... take this great big leap of faith, "live with no regrets" as i keep being told, leave the daily [and nightly] companionship of all people who i really love to be around and learn with, leave a field that somewhere deep down i love, but on a daily basis interacting with it/ the attitudes of the people in it... i absolutely hate
to
attempt a field/ jump into a field i have little background in, but some connections to [physics majors love philosophy! ahhhh the strange connections life makes twisting and tangling back in and upon itself], be ready to meet new people who have been doing this stuff for two, three, even one year who are more knowledgable than me, try to not be sad about leaving my friends in architecture even though this is the biggest obstacle, also leaving behind the rigor of architecture, and the spatial-thinking, 3d thinking [that i think is really beneficial and everyone should learn of it], "follow my heart" , learn this field intensely and graduate within 2 to 3 semesters with a thesis and/or final project, not have the possiblility to change back again and expect to be on the same level as everyone, not to be with everyone anymore [even though we won't all ever really be together again in architecture... i mean maybe for DD but that probably wont be thattt enjoyable... even TK said he only went out 3 times when he was in it and he alwayssss goes out lol], finding happiness and balance in my life, returning to my childhood ways of reading and thinking and questioning, gaining experience and a "story" about my struggles in undergrad, having time to live healthy, sustain a relationship, friendships, maybe not feel as competitive/fake/cutthroat/visually-pretty-graphic-design=architecture/lost/whereisthisfieldreallyfocused?/doubtful/frustrated.... okay you get the picture....
confliiicttt, as always this is what i get myself back to again and again... i mean i've made some headway... i kind of know what i would like to do with myself out of school..... but now with what degreeee???
Ah... so back to what i was researching again... working for a community college as a professor.... pay sort of sucks, no fame or prestige, but also no burning out in my 30s/40s, happiness/rewarding like my time TA'ing, flexibility as to location [there are tons of community colleges and they aren't the most sought-after jobs by academics], working with probably funny and interesting students, maybe not as much competition with my collegues - we won't be trying to outpublish each other or outsmart each other, summer's off, possible tenure within 10 years!!! Ahhh seemssss perfectooo to mee....
now all i really have to decide iss whether to continue in the realm of self torture in architecture to reap the benefits of some sort of teaching in this field? Orr change as i have been considering... take this great big leap of faith, "live with no regrets" as i keep being told, leave the daily [and nightly] companionship of all people who i really love to be around and learn with, leave a field that somewhere deep down i love, but on a daily basis interacting with it/ the attitudes of the people in it... i absolutely hate
to
attempt a field/ jump into a field i have little background in, but some connections to [physics majors love philosophy! ahhhh the strange connections life makes twisting and tangling back in and upon itself], be ready to meet new people who have been doing this stuff for two, three, even one year who are more knowledgable than me, try to not be sad about leaving my friends in architecture even though this is the biggest obstacle, also leaving behind the rigor of architecture, and the spatial-thinking, 3d thinking [that i think is really beneficial and everyone should learn of it], "follow my heart" , learn this field intensely and graduate within 2 to 3 semesters with a thesis and/or final project, not have the possiblility to change back again and expect to be on the same level as everyone, not to be with everyone anymore [even though we won't all ever really be together again in architecture... i mean maybe for DD but that probably wont be thattt enjoyable... even TK said he only went out 3 times when he was in it and he alwayssss goes out lol], finding happiness and balance in my life, returning to my childhood ways of reading and thinking and questioning, gaining experience and a "story" about my struggles in undergrad, having time to live healthy, sustain a relationship, friendships, maybe not feel as competitive/fake/cutthroat/visually-pretty-graphic-design=architecture/lost/whereisthisfieldreallyfocused?/doubtful/frustrated.... okay you get the picture....
confliiicttt, as always this is what i get myself back to again and again... i mean i've made some headway... i kind of know what i would like to do with myself out of school..... but now with what degreeee???
falling horse drawing... pretty amazing
-c
-c
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Road Race Weekend
This weekend was soooo much fun! Eric ran the LHRR a 10k in the little New England town next to his and did a really great job. Normally the town is dead quiet I don't think I've seen more than one person with a dog ever walking through it at a time... but today it was filled with more people than I had even seen at the Freihofer's Run that I used to race in in Albany. There were over 1500 runners... and that's a lot for a little Connecticut town! We also had a great weekend in general... went to a bar and had a good time with his high school friends... listened to some hilarious karaoke... and had 80degrees-hot wine [from a Mexican bar]... which was interesting. I also liked that his enthusiasm for running got me walking/ jogging more than I have been... hahah... yea architecture = you will ultimately suck entirely at working out... but this has changed! Even the depressing and rainy day wasn't a total loss... we went and saw the movie Get Him to the Greek! with Russel Brand which was super funny - as its to be expected... I think I just love it in CT in general. It's quiet and pretty and you don't have to drive past ugly car dealerships no matter where you want to go [cough cough Cohoes... yuck]. Instead there's tons of trees and old New England farmhouses.. all from the 1770s & some earlier... it's really beautiful.... [and trust me I love the cities, too I've always seen myself living in Boston or NY after graduation... but even though I used to diss this whole state it's really not as bad in the area where Eric lives.... it's really nice... I think the only thing that's missing are the people I know/ could hang out with!].
It only really sucks facing the ride back... when all my panic starts setting back in... worrying about jobs and majors and stupid Troy... but I guess that's what has to happen when you return back to reality hahaha. Ahhh I can only hope for some answers this week! Hopefully I'll be getting some form of a parttime gig and my meeting about the career aptitude test I took is happening Wednesday... and I'm extremely interested for thatttt conversation. It sucks sooo much going through college and feeling like you need to "know" things... jeesh we all only just got out of followbrainwashingclassesinhighschool to make a decision to change the rest of your life/ finances and in four short years you're spat out to survive. Maybe my uncertainty has arisen from this fear... being thrown into the "real-world" and somehow completely failing. Architecture has just turned my world so upside down... I mean it doesn't line up in this school who's "good" or who's "bad" there is just a bunch of grey and a few people who speckle out with some form of 'fame' each semester.... but ahhh I just don't want to caaaare anymore if I go back to this kind of studying. I'm soooo afraid of DD I just want to have a 'normal' life, experience a semester without stressing myself to tears literally every night and getting so down on myself I have headaches for weeks and fear all of my classmates for their comments/looks/condescending superiority. I mean it could be going from high school subjectivity to college... competing with people who I could have smoked in high school in the sciences, math, english... but falling short when it comes to this strange thing 'design' and 'bullshitting everything you do'. Ugh I know that we all do it at times... we all have to bullshit our stuff at times in architecture... but seeing some of the people who literally bullshit their way through and do reallllyyy well... ahhh it's super disheartening and discouraging, not something/somepeople that I really feel like competing with. But okay, enough of the complaints, this is supposed to have been about having a great weekend in CT and being homesick for there instead of here...
-c
A pretty path in the woods anddd the whoooolee little town [big compared to] the even smalllerrrr town where Eric lives!
It only really sucks facing the ride back... when all my panic starts setting back in... worrying about jobs and majors and stupid Troy... but I guess that's what has to happen when you return back to reality hahaha. Ahhh I can only hope for some answers this week! Hopefully I'll be getting some form of a parttime gig and my meeting about the career aptitude test I took is happening Wednesday... and I'm extremely interested for thatttt conversation. It sucks sooo much going through college and feeling like you need to "know" things... jeesh we all only just got out of followbrainwashingclassesinhighschool to make a decision to change the rest of your life/ finances and in four short years you're spat out to survive. Maybe my uncertainty has arisen from this fear... being thrown into the "real-world" and somehow completely failing. Architecture has just turned my world so upside down... I mean it doesn't line up in this school who's "good" or who's "bad" there is just a bunch of grey and a few people who speckle out with some form of 'fame' each semester.... but ahhh I just don't want to caaaare anymore if I go back to this kind of studying. I'm soooo afraid of DD I just want to have a 'normal' life, experience a semester without stressing myself to tears literally every night and getting so down on myself I have headaches for weeks and fear all of my classmates for their comments/looks/condescending superiority. I mean it could be going from high school subjectivity to college... competing with people who I could have smoked in high school in the sciences, math, english... but falling short when it comes to this strange thing 'design' and 'bullshitting everything you do'. Ugh I know that we all do it at times... we all have to bullshit our stuff at times in architecture... but seeing some of the people who literally bullshit their way through and do reallllyyy well... ahhh it's super disheartening and discouraging, not something/somepeople that I really feel like competing with. But okay, enough of the complaints, this is supposed to have been about having a great weekend in CT and being homesick for there instead of here...
-c
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Funny, but true...
In Other News..........................
Alsooo, I've been watching too much of "Say Yes to the Dress" anddd went on a spree of looking at wedding dresses... whiiiich I think I would like much more to just plan a bunch of weddings than really have one myself sooo here are some of my findings... again, not the greatest collection of photos... I've really been kind of crappy about the looks of this blog lately, but at least these are some kind of interesting finds:
Alsooo, although probably not appropiate following wedding gowns I saw a commercial about the whale pirates or something show... and decided to look at whales because they are sooo cuteee and if I were cool and fun and smart I could go and study marine life and play with whales all day!
Okay, that's all of my imagry nonesense for now!
-c
Acouuuuustics
I want to design stuff like this!!!
http://www.newmanfund.org/sdc/2009/2009-firsthonors.pdf
I think probably the only way to keep me interested in DD would be to do some sort of acoustics-related design.... Althoooough, if I change into Philosophy I have the opportunity to get an Architectural Acoustics minor, which prepares people to take certification in acoustics after just earning the minor! That could mean that I have the opportunity to work for archie firms orrr arch-acoustics firms with only the minor degree.... buuttt if I stay in Architecture alone I won't have this oppportunity annddd even more scary, if I decide I really like acoustics and want to pursue it as my Masters studies.... RPI has the greatest MA in Acoustics... blehh which would mean I "should" just stay at RPI for another year or two!
Also, here's the description for the Acoustics Minor [it's five classes and 19 cr/hrs... but I could fit it in with the Philosophy Major] :
The minor in architectural acoustics is open to all Rensselaer students interested in advanced study focusing on the optimization of acoustical quality of performance spaces and other aurally sensitive environments. After completing the minor, the student will be well prepared for an entry level position dealing with acoustics issues in architectural practice, in acoustical consulting, or as a preparation for graduate studies in acoustics. Approval required by director of program.
-c
http://www.newmanfund.org/sdc/2009/2009-firsthonors.pdf
I think probably the only way to keep me interested in DD would be to do some sort of acoustics-related design.... Althoooough, if I change into Philosophy I have the opportunity to get an Architectural Acoustics minor, which prepares people to take certification in acoustics after just earning the minor! That could mean that I have the opportunity to work for archie firms orrr arch-acoustics firms with only the minor degree.... buuttt if I stay in Architecture alone I won't have this oppportunity annddd even more scary, if I decide I really like acoustics and want to pursue it as my Masters studies.... RPI has the greatest MA in Acoustics... blehh which would mean I "should" just stay at RPI for another year or two!
Also, here's the description for the Acoustics Minor [it's five classes and 19 cr/hrs... but I could fit it in with the Philosophy Major] :
The minor in architectural acoustics is open to all Rensselaer students interested in advanced study focusing on the optimization of acoustical quality of performance spaces and other aurally sensitive environments. After completing the minor, the student will be well prepared for an entry level position dealing with acoustics issues in architectural practice, in acoustical consulting, or as a preparation for graduate studies in acoustics. Approval required by director of program.
-c
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