Finally, this semester... [&year?] is over. It's so strange how the semester when I have struggled the most and been the most unhappy turns out to be the semester with my highest gpa since freshman year... not to say that gpa necessarily "says alot" about me or any person, but I would more quickly believe someone with a high gpa is happy and fitting with what he/she is studying - and that certainly is not the case for me. It's not that I hate architecture... I am actually in love with the subject and with learning about it.... it's just the situation in school that is so discomforting and the prospects for employment, or maybe not the prospects, but what I have to look forward to [arguing with clients, contractors, engineers... and being a cad-monkey/slave for years on end]. I mean I could deal with the slave/cad-monkey bit... so long as I could have a life once my day at the office was over, but really this means I am not aspiring to be much. Sometimes I feel like I hold myself in too high of regards when it comes to deciding "what I want to be when I grow up".... I feel like I should just see myself as not-that-important and settle on something that I can do... but then again who am I to make things easier on myself? Not to mention my inner Kant would explode with rage thinking that I could just be some "means" passively sliding along in life, and not have a real care for what I want to do.
Typical Online Representation of Architects: bunch of superrr happy archies... obviously no arguements about anything and they all love each other sooooo much and all of the design went perfectly well and they are all making millions of dollars..... lol
I guess this leads me to some good findings that have currently come my way. I took the Intro to Philosophy course this semester, with Prof Fahey [who is a sweet and funny old man that I really adore] anddd some personal revelations came to me. The course sparked my interest from the start, and drew me back to memories of being in English class with Mrs. Dils - learning about Existentialism and my own book report on the writings of Zora Neal Hurston [especially concerning phonetics, storytelling, and cultural studies]. All of these things have always been very interesting to me, but I haven't explored much on these topics... before attending rpi I was mainly concerned with physics and theoretical physics, not necessarily linguistics, neuroscience, or consciousness that are really intriguing to me now. I'm not sure if my mind is just "changing" again, I mean it seems that all of these things that interest me are linked in some very fundamental ways [my interest in architecture is also leaning more towards the theoretical/philosophical side (bta, cda, etc)... although I'm torn because I really enjoy designing as well]. Nonetheless, topics such as consciousness, perception, Gestalt, evolution, language, geometry, space&time, blah blah blah.... are all common strings through physics, architecture, philosophy, neuroscience/cogs sci, and psychology. But hoooow do I chooseee?????
Today I went and took a "strong aptitude test" or career apt test at rpi, the results of which should return in about 10 days. I'm not sure whether to be excited or scared of what will be found. I'm also a bit nervous about talking to the advisor.... I mean knowing me and how indecisive I am, this person is probably going to be able to see very quickly how difficult it may be to work with me, work with trying to get me to decide and "be happy" with sometihng. I'm not 100% sure what my test results will be, but I have an idea that they will reflect some sort of inner conflict between my right and left brain, really that I can never fully commit myself to entirely creative endeavours or entirely scientific ones either. I mean through all of the reading I do it appears to me that someone strong in one area has a great advantage... they are able to obtain "expertise" and profession over subject matter, but meee... I just jump from one thing to the next that interests me and can hardly settle on learning something "for the rest of my life." Ahhhh - this is all just turning into conveluded mash of nonsense. I really wish someone could just reassure me of obtaining a happy place in my choosen major once I graduate.... not necessarily an always-happy environment, but one where I could thrive in accordance with my personality and interests.
As far as I can tell, architecture and my personality are what is really clashing. I am not uber-competitive and I hate the fakeness/salespeople techniques that go on in architecture school... its all so sleasey and unfair. I mean some of the most clueless people are taking positions at the most predominant firms in the field and it's all because of their brown-nosing capabilites... not necesarily their talent. I'm not saying here that I am the most talented in the class, I'm certainly not, but it doesn't make me want to work that much harder when I see some of the most idiotic designers going on to work for great companies.... I know it's kind of harsh... but being in school with these people doesn't make me want to go and find out what other of their types have come to own these businesses in the real-world.
Sometimes when I see my classmates, I notice that some of the most quiet and almost unnoticed people are really the most gifted in the class, but it breaks my heart that they are not getting all the attention and praise they deserve... just because they aren't selling their souls to the professors day and night.... ahhh I mean I guess this is just some flaws in my thinking. Maybe it's not wanting that recognition that I need to see. These people that I find are very talented and gifted, but sometimes go unnoticed aren't in there upset at their misfortune at not being the teacher's pet, they live their lives as they wish, make awesome designs and go on with life... not questioning and being as preturbed as I am. I think in this sense it's my low self esteem and very little to no confidence in myself where I go astray in architecture school, but I don't know if this can be changed or worked-around. I mean in the beginning of every semester I go in with a good attitude and willingness to work and by the end I come out a grumpy, disdraught mess... not even by the end! Closer to mid-semester I am already burnt-out and hating the world, but then struggle through the rest of the semester/year in a horrible self-destructive condition.
Even more of a Problem
Not everybody in school is like this though, and I think its this attitude or something associated with it that is ruining my entire experience with the subject matter. Talking to Eric sometimes I think its because in high school I was well-liked and respected by all of my teachers. I wasn't a brown-noser or a teachers pet, I was quiet but hard-working. Coming to college, I have found that I am more out-going and talkative, but I have lost alot of the respect and interest in the eyes of my professors [in comparison to the respect I had from my h/s teachers]. This sometimes makes me think it's my personality/ abilities in architecture that they are dissatisfied with.... and that for this reason I should change? I mean my h/s chem teacher, Mrs. Herr, always wished I would do chemistry.... I was not the best in the class, but I was good, and she liked me despite my flaws in parts of the subject... I feel like my place as a student in architecture is similar, but for some reason none of my professors seem to have that much faith, confidence, or drive to help me along.
ooooyyyeeee.... okay maybe I need to stop thinking about this for now. I have a fin aid meeting this Thurs anyway that will somewhat determine if I will even be able to change my major at this point.... I guess by then I'll see where to go.
-C
p.s. Some cool books I'm reading right now [laugh as much as you want b/c they are certainly very nerdy, but different from last summer's physics reading and Buddhist reading lol]:
- Second Nature: Brain Science and Human Knowledge by Edelman, Yale U Press [awesome book about neurology and epistemology, the part about the Darwin machines is amazing.... they have made behavioral devices with tens of thousands of neuronal groups and 500,000 synapses that mimic brain patterns in mammals!]
- A Voice and Nothing More by Dolar, MIT Press [just bought this today, a philosopher exploring the 'voice' and different ways of understanding what it is in relation and in dissociation with the body, not sure if this is going to turn more into the linguistics-side of things, but I would guess so seeing as it's coming from MIT - I think their philosophy program is centered around linguistics (makes sense at a tech school I guess, AI/computation) but I always love stuff that comes out of the MIT press so I'm excited to see what this will be all about]
