Haven't written on this in soooooo long. I guess there is a lot of updating to be had. This has probably been some of the most stressful and unenjoyable months of my life. And it's amazing the amount of ups and downs that can happen when you're staying awake 19 - 20 hours a day... for weeks.
The bad news first? Okay... here goes. Well Eric was acting like a total prick for months. He didn't stay with me on my birthday in May and was pretty much absent all summer long. It got to the point that I didn't even care what he was doing [he's boring on his own anyway] and also to the point where I was dragging my heels just to have him around. But like a sad little puppy dog I tend to just stay. I didn't break up with him even though I really wanted to, because I look at my parents and my 8 aunts and uncles... all in marriages and not a single divorce! Most of my aunts and uncles knew each other in high school and married after college, the others met around my age and were together for ten years before getting married [I don't want to marry at age 32 : ( ]. Anyway, he and I were together for almost four years [just shy by two months] I thought the time would have meant something to him, but I guess if it's just not right it won't work. And I was veryy upset for a long time after he finally came over and said he was done, but then about a month after I saw him walking down the street wearing some stupid train conductor hat and laughed at how terrible it was. I was starting to get over him after seeing his bad fashion choices... his likely attempt at being "hipster" one of his many self-absorbed dreams. Also during this time I started seeing Noah, my friend from Computer Games Camp. I thought this was just going to be a fun adventure, but I think he and I are like the most toxic mixture when we come together. Maybe we're both too passionate and crazy about everything we do? And at the same time we are opposites... it doesn't really make much sense. But that's another set of bad news to follow. So anyway, I go to library cafe with some friends one random day [I think I had pulled an allnighter before because I remember my eyes being super heavy] andd I see Eric and this leprechaun-witch thing walk into the library bathrooms together! What a whore and what a huge asshole. I think he just doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. I mean if he wants to have conversations about engineering and how fun their run was that day then so be it - it would make sense with how boring and dull he is [I always felt like I was a little too adventurous for him, but his parents seemed to praise me for getting him out of the house and out of strictly engineering classes...]. So this day was bad. I didn't even eat for another day after that. Ahh, also this new girl I think she has a boyfriend, but is with Eric? Also, all of the archies think she looks like a rodent. Gawd Kyle and Eric... why do you go and choose trolls after me? I hope this isn't a critique about how I look? Whatever...
And things are going as well as could be after that - I wasn't hearing from Noah, he was with his fun clubbing girl [so I heard] and I didn't see Eric, which was good! Andd thennn... I present my project at the final reviews Friday Dec 2 and it was amazing - great feedback from a jury of Harvard-ians and even Jefferson seemed supportive of me! So later that night at the Ruck - there are like twenty of us there to eat and get drunk. After two beers I get an email from Julia telling me I was choosen to present in the Awards Review in front of the Dean and all the visiting critics at 10 am Saturday. Woo!! Such good news! Andd thenn, twenty minutes later a terribly-bearded Eric and his witch walk into the Ruck... just them and together. I couldn't handle it. Really Eric? It was so upsetting. I felt so bad for Roz, Marissa, and Sage I cried the whole carride home, during my entire hour-long shower, and well into the night. I think that is what started my insomnia.
The Awards Review went really well, also. Maybe because the Arctic is like the last frontier, it is such a draw to have discussions about. And most of the design up there is indigenous. Foreign architects that have tried to create proposals up there have seen their efforts physically fail after 3 - 5 years. Of these designers, Erskine had been the most praised, but from what I've seen he was also too engrossed with the Modern Movement styling and etc to really be focused on the demands of Arctic living. So after my [long... always a little too much time] presentation, the jurors were supposed to talk for 15 minutes, only they spent close to an hour debating everything! It was so great.
To Be Continued...
Kay. Back.
After that Saturday review things were going very well. I was so happy that the professors and visitors thought so highly of my work. Andd thenn the week and a half of no sleep happened upon me. The Saturday night I think I only slept four hours and the nights following that got even worse. My body was sore laying in bed for too long and even though I was exhausted I could only get two consecutive hours. My mind wasn't even racing about things - it was vacant and oddly so - I didn't have to think about Thesis, the other classes were on the back-burner, Noah was off with clubbing-girl, and Eric was erased from my mind.
But that week was so tough. I was constantly frustrated. I didn't want to sleep during the day and be up all night so I just wasted my time either watching tv, organizing stuff in Studio, working on my Thesis book in little itty bitty parts. Really it was highly unproductive. Even drinking at night didn't put me to sleep. Even running did nothing. It was terrible.
Well that week came to a close rather awfully, too. It was kind of a snowball effect of greatness and terribleness. On Thursday I had a staff dinner with all the OCS friends - Norris, Chelsey, Kevin, Tim, Alli, and Howie. We went to Brown's and it was so great. Seeing them really made the end of the semester seem worth it, despite all the hardship. Always a silly group and amazing to see what we have all been working on - be it Theses or fraternity activity... hahaha. Also at the lovely Brown's that night was a table of the three musketeers, where my fun, fun Thursday all started. James, Steve, and Kyle were on a nice outing there and kindly invited me over to "watch some Always Sunny and hangout in the Vortex." Soon, after two beers [for me] and a bottle of Andre [for each of them] someone shouted "To the Ruck!" and we were out the door. Thursday was the fun night of that weekend. First it was "a beer for you, and one for me too" then there were four pitchers sitting on our table and about twenty more guys [LXA and AEPi surrounding us]. Anndd thenn, Noah walked in all by his lonesome. I did feel kind of bad seeing him like that, especially since I was there with like five other guys, but it also felt good to see him out of the context he tends to project himself as being immersed in. So I tried my hardest to avoid him, even asking Elliot to escort me to the bathroom and to not let Noah come over to our area... like he would with all the archie guys. But of course it happened - my small bladder got the best of me and I had to get back there. I agilely avoided him on my trip to the bathroom, but maybe he saw? Or maybe it was just my bad luck that when I came out he was blocking my only path back to the front of the bar. Well, THAT was a funny encounter that then ensued. He pulls me innn and acts all sweet and then good old Mike Zwack lets me know he's been hooking up with some girl who's been throwing up her guts in the bathroom for the past few hours... Nice Noah... haha I was sooooo glad for my out - I guess the win goes to Zwack on that one. Soo, eventually we all decide that we are not going to finish pitchers 3 and 4 and get a ride back to the Boat [I think there was also a stop at I Loves... but I've been notorious for blacking out during the food runs... like this entire semester]. I think the next thing I remember is waking up on the Vortex with a blanket, and Kehoe running up and downstairs to go on the skiing trip. Thattt was a veryy hung over, unhappy day.
Ahh, and then there is Fridayy night. This was made for Sage's Christmas & Graduation Party. Even though I don't think we left the house until after 5pm. We aptly gathered six? Seven? Thirty racks andd two handles? Something like that... and I swooreee not to touch any of it, not after a hangover that lasted til 4pm! And I guess I didn't... but I found other things... By dinnertime I was halfway through one of my red wine bottles, and I think Roz and I finished the first bottle of Merlot before people even got to the house. We had beer pong, cards against humanities, andd quarters hockey with all our lovely archie friends, and also some of Sage's biology and Circle K friends. I think I played a game of beer pong with Elliot... maybe two? But I'm sure it was terrible because my game has not been good like 90% of the time. Thenn I kept bothering Vin and Jeff for something to smoke and hilariously there ended up being a big group of like eight of us on the porch coughing our lungs up. [This is kind of where the night really got underway...] After taking a little bit too much I was coughing and running up to the bathroom to empty my stomach of extra wine... probably should have been a warning sign there. But the second I got back downstairs Kyle said his brother was there to drive us to AEpi... which was suuupposeedd to be like old times, me and Kyle and Shaggy Steve, but Steve wanted to stay for some reason... so the Vin came along instead. Andd even so it was totally like old times. The house was pretty empty, just random games and cooking going on. Some little kids hanging out upstairs and an empty basement... so we broke into the bar. With the intention of Starry Nights, but I was too drunk to even notice what terrible thing Kyle put in the shotski. It was horrible, and all three of us were coughing from the burn after. I think I started to not remember things a little while after that shot [they always do me in], because I knowww we left shortly after and went to the Ruck where I was absolutely obnoxious and definitely not aware of what I was doing. That's when I ran into Noah. My first reaction was to make him jealous, but oddly all the guys were feeling loyal to their girls that day... and I was left to fend for myself... literally. For some reason he made me cry and I went to the bathroom to get away from him and then a couple minutes later Rachel is tapping me laughing and telling me he's looking for me. And then he's there in my face. Andd we end up making outt. Suuuch bad decisions. Needless to say all the archie guys were apparently deciding whether or not to punch Noah... and I really wish they had. It would have made the past two weeks a little less stressful for me, but noone did and I ended up leaving with him [so stupid!]. It really wasn't as fun as it had been. Maybe because he seemed so exciting the first couple times, so new and fun, but then after not calling me for a month the funness wore off. It ended up just being the same-old with someone who had proven to me he didn't really care, it was so bad. Emotionally he wasn't there for me [anymore?] and physically he just doesn't listen well enough - it's like he's disconnected from something. I guess that's why I hope for him he mends things with his ex back at home, maybe she can straighten him out? I could have definitely set myself up for a lot of embarrassment for how much I thought I liked him, but if he's chasing some strange club-girl and still dreaming about his ex from hs, there's just no place for me in all of that. I think I figured all that stuff out the day after, laying in bed and trying to not become pregnant. Ahh, the end of the semester could have left me there, that far down in the pit, but to top it all off - it wasn't just my social life suffering terribly, but also my academic life? After such great reviews and awesome feedback I wasn't really worried about my grade, but then the Harvard bit back. I got an A- in Thesis and it's still crushing me now. It doesn't make much sense? Maybe she doesn't like me? Maybe it's supposed to motivate me to work harder in the Spring? Maybe she just doesn't give out A's? I think any of these could be true - it seems like she doesn't really like our class anyway. Telling handfuls of people in Studio that they would Fail mid-semester, and skipping our class outing... But whatever.
It's all love-hate [with everything] for me this year. I absolutely love my Thesis and the things we are researching. But I hate not having the support to back me up. I felt really strongly for Noah [or maybe just the artist/ friend type], but hated how worthless I felt after being with him. I did love Eric at one point, but absolutely hate him now for walking around campus with the red-haired rodent and completely getting rid of me after helping him prepare for his interview. Ahh too much complexity right now to figure anything out. I can only hope to get some clarity after graduation, but somehow I feel like it will just keep getting harder. All I can really hope for is to travel a lot, have a job where I make some contribution in a dynamic landscape [hopefully marine or aquatic], andd one day have an apartment or small place to myself with dogs and an adopted baby girl. Those are my wishes for 10 years from now? But I won't get married to them.... things change much too quickly to be set in stone [ha - architecture you are so last-four-years landscape is where it's at!].
-Cb
